John Lindsay - Emails from an A**hole: Real People Being Stupid
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Emails
from an
Asshole
John Lindsay
New York / London
www.sterlingpublishing.com
STERLING and the distinctive Sterling logo are registered trademarks of
Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
Lindsay, John.
Emails from an asshole : real people being stupid / John Lindsay.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-4027-7827-8
1. PersonalsHumor. 2. Electronic mail messagesHumor. I. Title.
PN6231.P36L56 2010
818'.602dc22
2010003578
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
Published by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016
2010 by John Lindsay
Distributed in Canada by Sterling Publishing
c/o Canadian Manda Group, 165 Dufferin Street
Toronto, Ontario, Canada M6K 3H6
Distributed in the United Kingdom by GMC Distribution Services
Castle Place, 166 High Street, Lewes, East Sussex, England BN7 1XU
Distributed in Australia by Capricorn Link (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
P.O. Box 704, Windsor, NSW 2756, Australia
Manufactured in the United States of America
All rights reserved
Sterling ISBN 978-1-4027-7827-8
For information about custom editions, special sales, premium and
corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales
Department at 8008055489 or specialsales@sterlingpublishing.com.
Photographs of Ford Explorer provided courtesy of John Spangler.
http://www.johnspangler.com/
THE NEXT TIME
you want to post an ad
in the online classifieds, think again.
Somewhere out there, I am lurking,
just waiting for any signs of weakness to jump on.
It doesnt matter if you are
from Philadelphia or Boise, Idaho.
Wherever you are, if you post a stupid ad,
I will find you and take you down.
THE AUTOMOTIVE SECTION of the classified ads is full of people looking for good, inexpensive cars. Some people even post ads demanding a free car. The ads are basically saying, If you have a car lying around that you dont need anymore, I will gladly take it off your hands. Great! I thought I would never be able to get rid of that 2006 Escalade that is just taking up room in my driveway. It really amazes me that the people asking for a free car seem to think they can choose what kind of car they get. I need a car to get to work, but I wont be seen in anything American or anything older than 1997. This is where I come in. I will show the victims just what kind of vehicle people are willing to give away for free. You dont want to pay more than $500 for a car? Well, you can have my Civic without a motor. It makes for a great mobile home.
On the flip side are the people who are trying to get way too much money for their shitty car. Minor fender damage really means frame bent due to major collision. Why are there no pictures of the passenger side of the car? It most likely was hit by a train. Every time someone lists a car with high mileage, the miles are all highway miles, of course. These people expect thousands of dollars for a vehicle with a transmission that will die in a week. Hopefully Ive helped discourage these people from ever selling a junk car online again.
This was the ad that started it all. It had been six months since the transmission was ruined in my last car, and I had been constantly looking at ads for a lucky deal on a car. Then I came across this amazing ad, placed conveniently in the for sale section. HEY YOU THERE !
How could I not click it?
Shaniquas original ad:
******** HEY YOU THERE ******** $1500
HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER! I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. IM A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. IM LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.A.P.
Included with the ad was a picture of the lovely mother posing for the camera, as if someone would see her picture and realize that this woman had to have a car. The fact that this woman expected someone to give her a perfect car and that she thought she had a right to specifically demand a Ford Explorer made me realize that I couldnt let this ad go unanswered.
From Me to Shaniqua
Ay yo girl, i gots a Ford Explorer for you!
Its not really a 1997, its a 1985 and its not really a Ford Explorer,
its a Ford Bronco but its like the same thing.
Here are the specs if youre interested:
217,292 miles.
Transmission is in good shape, 5th gear and reverse work but the rest dont.
The V6 engine was replaced with a V8, gas mileage is pretty goodI got about 12 mpg highway the other day but that was with premium.
Power windows but you have to turn a crank to roll them down.
Tape playerit does play but there is a Def Leppard tape jammed in there and it wont come out. Great for Def Leppard fans!
I am a smoker so you can smell it in the car, but Ill throw in an air freshener for an extra 10 bucks.
It came with front airbag, but it deployed in my last accident and I didnt get it replaced. Broncos are safe though so you wont have to worry about an airbag.
The air conditioning does not work anymore, but it used to and was really cold.
Heat works if you drive the car for a while.
The frame is bent due to an accident with a tractor trailer, but as long as you dont drive over 40 you shouldnt have any problems.
It can seat five which is good for kids, but the back seat has beer and urine stains. They have been professionally treated with Windex.
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