Lindsay - More Emails from an Asshole

you want to post an ad

in the online classifieds, think again.

Somewhere out there, I am lurking,

just waiting for any signs of weakness to jump on.

It doesnt matter if you are

from Philadelphia or Boise, Idaho.

Wherever you are, if you post a stupid ad,

I will find you and take you down.

Whoops, I just saw European Scooter and assumed gay dude.

Hey there,

I saw your ad looking for a European Scooter. Are you serious? Man up and get a real bike. I am selling a 03 Harley Davidson FXDL Low Rider. This bike will get you more bitches than you will ever get with a European Scooter. In fact, all you will probably get with a European Scooter is a bunch of metrosexuals coming out of Starbucks. If you are ready to ride a badass bike, let me know if you are interested in my Harley.

Yours truly,

Tim

Hi there,

Thanks but Im really not looking to man up and therefore am rejecting your bike and therefore your pre-owned facade of manliness. Oh, and Im good on bitches.

-Erin

Oh, Im sorry, I didnt realize you were a woman. You shouldnt be operating a motor vehicle anyway. I have some kitchen tools like pots and pans if you are interested. Let me know!

Tim

Hi,

I saw your ad for the Honda Accord. I will give you $200 for the alternator and driver side door.

Let me know if you are interested,

Tim

im not parting out the car. it is $6000 for the whole thing.

Cant you just sell me the door and alternator and then sell the car for $5800?

who the fuck would want to buy a car without a door and alternator?

You could sell it as a Honda Accord Jeep Wrangler addition, built for offroading without the doors, just like a Jeep. Instead of saying the alternator was removed, say the car was modified to help the environment.

thats fucking retarded. how about you go to a junk yard

How about I go to your yard, Josh, and fucking take everything off your car while you sleep.

Original ad:

looking for honda civic or accord, 1996 or newer. looking to pay up to $5000 depending on condition.

Hey,

Im selling my wifes 2003 Honda Civic while she is out of town. We are getting a divorce and I am selling it to spite her, so Ill sell it to you for 5k. It is nice. It has like 55,000 miles.

- Mike

I am very interested. Are you legally allowed to sell it, or does your wife have the title?

- Andrea

Oh Im sorry, I didnt realize you were a woman. What are you thinking? You cant drive! You better be e-mailing me from the laptop in your kitchen. Otherwise get back in there!

excuse me? this is the 21st century, and women can drive just as well as men! Im a good driver! can I take a look at your car or what?

no. I wont sell this car to a woman. I couldnt live with myself knowing that I made the roads a dangerous place. You should be riding public transportation, or have your husband drive you around.

I cant believe this. youre a dick! why did you let your wife drive the car if you are so against women driving?

She just bought it despite my issues with women driving, which is why we will be getting a divorce. Now unless your husband wants to buy the car, go back to making sandwiches and ironing, you self-righteous cunt.

YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU DONT DESERVE YOUR WIFE!!!! YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!

Original ad:

i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. Im estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

• The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, its all yours.
• Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. Ill throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
• The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it wont open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isnt that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
• The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isnt that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
• Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there dont really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
• There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
• There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Dont say who I am though.
• I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I dont recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the ladies mobile because the chicks dig it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike