The Rescue of Miss Yaskell and Other Pipe Dreams
Table of Contents
The Rescue of Miss Yaskell and Other Pipe Dreams
Russell Baker
Copyright
Diversion Books
A Division of Diversion Publishing Corp.
443 Park Avenue South, Suite 1008
New York, NY 10016
www.DiversionBooks.com
Copyright 1983 by Russell Baker
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.
All material appeared in the authors Observer column in The New York Times and his Sunday Observer column in The New York Times Magazine. Copyright 1975, 1976, 1977, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, and 1983 by The New York Times Company; reprinted by permission.
For more information, email
First Diversion Books edition August 2014
ISBN: 978-1-62681-324-3
Also by Russell Baker
So This is Depravity
All Things Considered
An American in Washington
Growing Up
The Good Times
Looking Back
No Cause for Panic
Norton Book of Light Verse
Oour Next President
Poor Russells Almanac
Russell Bakers Book of American Humor
Some Cause for Alarm
Theres a Country in my Cellar
The Upside Down Man
Contents
Regions of The Past
A Visit with the Folks
The Boy Who Came to Supper
Heck on Wheels 8 Gross Roots
Right Smart o Wind
Any Humans There?
There Is No There Here
The Unwelcome Wagon
A Memory of Rope
Moseying Around
A Patch in Time
Making It
Urban Gothic
Beastly Manhattan
Those Prussian Wheels
The Far Side o f Styx
The Lull in Lullaby
Such Nice People
Of Duds, Wogs, Mae West et al.
The Dreamers Progress
The Duds Doldrums
Now It Can Be Told
Marriage la Mode
Elephants-Eye High
A Gothic Tale
A Little Sanity, Please
Crank at the Bank
Moon of Cualadora
How Shall I Dear Thee?
Fear of Fossils
The Cruelest Month
Bye-Bye, Silver Bullets
Egg on the Face
Ghost Story
There She Is
Merrily We Pentagon
Universal Military Motion
Mail-Order Tanks
The $138 Million Mistake
Brass Hat in Hand
English Utilization
Babble, Babble, Glub-Glub
Vanishing Breed
Crashing into Crosswordland
Doctor of the Interior
Loss of Face
The English Mafia
Media: Or, Whats That Rotting My Brain?
Completely Different
Tooth and Man
Waiting for H-Hour
Forever Ember
The Legal Pitch
The Scrutable Kremlin
The Road to Apeville
Riches of the Tube
And the Reich Goes On
Rocked
Mind over Blather
The Mushroom Blues
Taking Heroes Seriously
No Peace for Old Pharaoh
The Male Weepie
A Better Column
Flicking the Dial
Etc.
Back to the Dump
The Only Gentleman
Being Rich
Summer Action
Back at the Manse
The Presidents Plumbing
Ball of Wax
Ringing Up the Past
Blowing Up
No Tears for the Giants
A Previous Life
On the Side of the Angels
Cigar-Smoke Science
By Royal Command
A Hey Nonny George
Nodding by the Mire
Being Mean
Barnum Lives On
Eat What You Are
From Chairpersons to Total Persons
The Boys of Autumn
Adversity
A Cold Hard Net
Through a Glass Darkly
In Bed We Lie
I Remember Papa
Sealed Ears
Master of the Chains
Getting Mighty Small Here
My Adolescent Bed
Addals of Medicid
To Catch a Train
To Wrack and Rome
The Well-Bred Mummy
Delights of the Time Warp
Rain of Terror
Cowering before Omoo
Tales for Cats
Where Have All the Ulcers Gone?
Wiggy
Fathering
Grandparenting
The Joy of Anger
Going First Class
Things Passed
REGIONS OF THE PAST
A Visit with the Folks
Periodically I go back to a churchyard cemetery on the side of an Appalachian hill in northern Virginia to call on family elders. It slows the juices down something marvelous.
They are all situated right behind an imposing brick church with a tall square brick bell-tower best described as honest but not flossy. Some of the family elders did construction repair work on that church and some of them, the real old timers, may even have helped build it, but I couldnt swear to that because its been there a long, long time.
The view, especially in early summer, is so pleasing that its a pity they cant enjoy it. Wild roses blooming on fieldstone fences, fields white with daisies, that soft languorous air turning the mountains pastel blue out toward the West.
The tombstones are not much to look at. Tombstones never are in my book, but they do help in keeping track of the family and, unlike a family, they have the virtue of never chafing at you.
This is not to say they dont talk after a fashion. Every time I pass Uncle Lewiss I can hear it say, Come around to the barber shop, boy, and Ill cut that hair. Uncle Lewis was a barber. He left up here for a while and went to the city. Baltimore. But he came back after the end. Almost all of them came back finally, those that left, but most stayed right here all along.
Well, not right here in the churchyard, but out there over the fields, two, three, four miles away. Grandmother was born just over that rolling field out there near the woods the year the Civil War ended, lived most of her life about three miles out the other way there near the mountain, and has been right here near this old shade tree for the past 50 years.
We werent people who went very far. Uncle Harry, her second child, is right beside her. A carpenter. He lived 87 years in these parts without ever complaining about not seeing Paris. To get Uncle Harry to say anything, you have to ask for directions.
Which way is the schoolhouse? I ask, though not aloud of course.
Up the road that way a right good piece, he replies, still the master of indefinite navigation whom I remember from my boyhood.
Its good to call on Uncle Lewis, grandmother and Uncle Harry like this. It improves your perspective to commune with people who are not alarmed about the condition of NATO or whining about the flabbiness of the dollar.
The elders take the long view. Of course, you dont want to indulge too extensively in that long a view, but its useful to absorb it in short doses. It corrects the blood pressure and puts things in a more sensible light.
After a healthy dose of it, you realize that having your shins kicked in the subway is not the gravest insult to dignity ever suffered by common humanity.
Somewhere in the vicinity is my great-grandfather who used to live back there against the mountain and make guns, but I could never find him. He was born out that way in 1817James Monroe was President thenand Id like to find him to commune a bit with somebody of blood kin who was around when Andrew Jackson was in his heyday.
After Jackson and Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War, he would probably not be very impressed about much that goes on nowadays, and I would like to get a few resonances off his tombstone, a cool frisson of contempt maybe for a great-grandchild who had missed all the really perilous times.