The Harvard Lampoon - Lame of Thrones

Dear Fans,

As I dictate this to you, Im lounging in Cabo with my feet on the biggest pair of knockers theyve ever seen. You gotta trust me on this, but these knockers make the knockers on the TV version of Game of Thrones look like the knockers in the book version of Game of Thrones .

Its me: George R. R. Martin (net worth: $100 million). If youre reading this, you probably dont have a TV. I have nine TVsand thats not even counting my tenth TV. Im, how do I put this delicately, really goshdarn fucking rich now. Why is this? Well, let me tell you.

Its summer 1996, and Im on the Strip. I open up my typewriter, make sure my ink ribbon is full, and realize my rampant, unrelatable obsession with fantasy is a nonissue. I should write a book about dragons , I think. I black in two months later, and somehow my fifteen-page pop-up childrens book about dragons has become a nine-hundred-page pop-up childrens book about dragons. Shit shit shit! Too long, George! Too long!

Yada yada yada, my editor got rid of the pop-ups, made me add more human sex, cut two hundred consecutive pages that were just last names of all the barbers in the Game of Thrones universe, and thats basically the first novel youve all come to know and love!

Fast-forward 25 years. Fast-forward 100 more years. Now rewind 102 years. Its 2019, and HBO has turned my book series into the preeminent softcore porn series. At this point, Im rich as a mother-effing motherfucker. I havent seen the show in years, but my friends describe the episodes to me. Sounds pretty good. Sounds exactly like how I wouldve done it. But now they want me to finish off these damn books.

Now look, I really wish I could end this series with a forty-five-slide PowerPoint, but fans always complain to me when I dont wrap up each characters story arc in a fulfilling way. Apparently, I introduced a character called Trashbag in the second book and never mentioned him again. I am accosted about the fate of this character on a weekly basis. Did you know I have introduced over three thousand characters in the novels who collectively have four thousand individual boobs with their own storylines? And as if I didnt have that many boobs on my plate, imagine what would happen if I didnt wrap up the character arc of the main guy in the books! The guy I killed. Whats his name? Tom? Tom Something? Tom?

I have been told repeatedly that its taken me over a decade to write this book, and its likely that many of my fans have forgotten some of the plot points during that time. Personally, I have never read a preface or a prologue or an introduction or an authors note in my life. I just skip to the book and deal with the ensuing confusion like an adult. For the sake of the children who read my dragon erotica, however, I will try to recap the plot as best I can. Jon! Dammit! Thats his name, not Tom. Oh God, did I write the whole book calling him Tom? Okay, if I did that, every time you see Tom just replace it with Jon.

So yeah, Jon Dough is the main guy, yeah? Whats up with him? Ah, right. Ive got to stop killing the main characters every time I get the itch. Speaking of which, Chauncibell, when you get a moment, fetch some more of my talcum powder . Okay, so Jon was the Bored Demander of the Nights Crotch, which means he was basically in charge of the guys who defend the Trench. Of course the Trench is some sort of magical thing up north, built to keep out the Mildlings. Trench? No, was it a trench, it was Yes. Yes, it was a Trench, mustve been. The White Wieners and the zombos, theyre there too. Chauncibell, this is real talcum powder. Yes, I know I said itch. But do I look itchy to you? I am a model of cleanliness and health. When I said talcum powder I meant another mimosa. You should be able to anticipate my needs regardless of what I ask for . White Wieners and the zombos and theyre led by the White Wieners and the zombos are led by Come on, George, come on, man .

The Nighty Night King! Right. And Jon saved all these Mildlings from him and brought them south of the Trench to Casablacka with the Nights Crotch. Some of the guys in the Nights Crotch got really mad about that and all stabbed Jon. Now hes dead. Unless it was all a dream! A dream? And there never was a Game of Thrones , and the little kid dreaming the dream went back to sleep and lived happily ever after?

Wait, no, George, youve tried this before, and every time your editor says, The dream ending will not appease fans. Its a cop out. You will become poor again. So here we go, what else, what else?