Kristin Hannah - Distant Shores

BALLANTINE BOOKS NEW YORK

There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current where it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, Act IV, Scene III

Seattle, Washington

It all started with a second martini.

Come on, Meghann said, have another drink.

No way. Elizabeth didnt handle alcohol well; God knew that had been proven conclusively back in 1976 when shed been at the University of Washington.

You cant refuse to drink at my forty-second birthday party. Remember how drunk I got last spring when you turned forty-five?

What a debacle that had been.

Meghann sensed hesitation, and like any good attorney, she pounced on it. Ill have Johnny pick us up.

Are you sure Johnnys old enough to drive?

Now, that hurts. All of my boyfriends have their drivers licenses.

And I thought you had no standards.

I keep them as low as possible. Meghann raised her hand and flagged down the waitress, who hurried over. Well take two more martinis. And bring us a plate of nachosheavy on the refried beans.

Elizabeth couldnt help smiling. This is going to be ugly.

The waitress returned, set two elegant glasses down on the table, and picked up the empties.

Heres to me, Meghann said, clinking her glass against Elizabeths.

For the next hour, their conversation drifted down old roads and around old times. Theyd been friends for more than twenty years. In the two decades since college, their lives had gone in opposite directionsElizabeth had put all her energies into wife-and-motherhood; Meghann had become a first-rate divorce attorneybut their friendship had never wavered. For years, as Elizabeth and her family had moved from town to town, theyd kept in touch via e-mail and phone calls. Now, finally, they lived close enough to see each other on special occasions. It was one of the things Elizabeth loved most about living in Oregon.

By the time the third round was delivered, Meghann was laughing uproariously about the sound the cash register made.

Dya see tha hunk o burning love in the corner over there? Meg glanced slyly at a college-age boy sitting by the window. He looks lonely.

And lookno braces. He probably got them taken off last week. Hes just your type.

Meghann dug through the nachos, looking for one with a lot of cheese on it. Not everyone is lucky enough to have married their college sweetheart, kiddo. Besides, I dont have a type anymore. I did once. Now Ill stick with what makes me happy.

Happy. The word hit Elizabeth hard.

I wonder if a big ole wet one from a birthday girlBirdie? Whats the matter?

Elizabeth pushed the martini away and crossed her arms. It had become her favorite stance lately. Sometimes, she found herself standing in a room alone, with her arms bound so tightly around her own chest that she couldnt draw an even breath. It was as if she were trying to trap something inside of her that wanted out.

Birdie?

Its nothing, really.

Meghann lowered her voice. Look. I know somethings wrong, Birdie. Im your friend. I love you. Talk to me.

This was why Elizabeth didnt drink. In such a weakened state, her unhappiness swelled to unmanageable proportions, and the cap she kept on her emotions wouldnt stay put. She looked across the table at her best friend, and knew she had to say something. She simply couldnt hold it all inside anymore.

Her marriage was failing. Thinking it was hard; saying it was almost unthinkable.

They loved each other, she and Jack, but it was a feeling wrought mostly of habit. The passion had been gone for a long time. More and more often, it felt as if they were out of step, dancing to different pieces of music. He wanted sex in the morning; she wanted it at night. They compromised by going months without making love, and when they did finally reach out, their passion was as tired as their need.

Still, they were the envy of their friends. Everyone pointed to them and said, Look, a marriage that lasts. She and Jack were like the final exhibit in a museum that had been emptying for years.

She couldnt possibly say all of that. Words had too much power. They had to be handled with fireproof gloves or theyd burn you to the bone. Im not very happy lately; thats all.

What is it you want?

Itll sound stupid.

Im half drunk. Nothing will sound stupid.

Elizabeth wished she could smile at that, but her heart was beating so hard she felt light-headed. I want... who I used to be.

Oh, honey. Meghann sighed heavily. I dont suppose youve talked to Jack about this.

Every time we get close to talking about something that matters, I panic and say nothings wrong. Afterward, I want to hit myself in the head with a ball peen hammer.

I had no idea you were this unhappy.

Thats the worst part of it. Im not un happy, either. She slumped forward. Her elbows made the table rattle. Im just empty.

Youre forty-five years old and your kids are gone and your marriage has gone stale and you want to start over. My practice is full of women like you.

Oh, good. Im not only unhappy and overweight, Im a clich, too.

A clich is just something thats commonly true. Do you want to leave him?

Elizabeth looked down at her hands, at the diamond ring shed worn for twenty-four years. She wondered if she could even get it off. I dream about leaving him. Living alone.

And in those dreams, youre happy and independent and free. When you wake up, youre lonely and lost again.

Yes.

Meghann leaned toward her. Look, Birdie, women come into my office every day, saying theyre not happy. I write down the words that will tear their families apart and break a lot of hearts. And you know what? Most of them end up wishing theyd tried harder, loved better. They end up trading their homes, their savings, their lifestyle, for a nine-to-five job and a stack of bills, while hubby-dearest waits ten seconds, then marries the salad-bar girl at Hooters. So, heres a million dollars worth of advice from your best friend and divorce attorney: If youre empty, its not Jacks fault, or even his problem, and leaving him wont solve it. Its your job to make Elizabeth Shore happy.

I dont know how to do that anymore.

Oh, for Christs sake, Birdie, lets be martini-honest here. You used to be a lot of thingstalented, independent, artistic, intellectual. In college, we all thought youd end up being the next Georgia OKeeffe. Now you organize every city fund-raiser and decorate your house. I got a law degree in less time than it takes you to choose a fabric for the sofa.

Thats not fai

Im a lawyer. Fair doesnt interest me. Her voice softened. I also know that Jacks job has been hard on you. I know how much you wanted a place where you could put down roots.

You dont know, Elizabeth said. Weve lived in more than a dozen houses since we got married, in almost half that many cities. Youve lived in Seattle forever. You dont know what its like to always be the stranger in town, the new wife with no friends or rsum of your own. Hell, you started college at sixteen and still managed to fit in. I know Ive let my house become an obsession, but its because I belong in Echo Beach, Meg. Finally. For the first time since I was a child, I have a home. Not a house, not a condo, not a place to rent for a year or two. A home. She realized she was practically yelling. Embarrassed, she lowered her voice. I feel safe there. You cant understand that because youve never been afraid.