Bender - The Grumpy Gardener

THE GRUMPY GARDENER

THE GRUMPY GARDENER

An A to Z Guide from the Galaxys Most Irritable Green Thumb

STEVE BENDER

Southern Living Garden Editor

DEDICATION

To my saintly wife, Judy, who saved humankind by taking me off its hands; parents Edward Sr. and Mary Alice; sons Tom, Matthew, Brian, and families; brothers Ed and Chris; cats Ketchup and Jean-Luc; incredible colleagues at Southern Living , especially Gene Bussell who coined the moniker, Grumpy Gardener; and legions of adoring fans who rightly treat Grumpys every word as gold.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

You are an extraordinary person. So many trivial matters compete for your attentionworld peace, climate change, job stress, marital accord, budget woes, choosing the perfect wine for dinneryet you have conquered the clamor and opened the one book written this century that can bring you hours of joy, fulfilment, and enlightenment every day. Why, youre probably feeling better this very moment, knowing that the knowledge to be imparted on the following pages will place you in the gardening elite. As Shakespeare noted in Hamlet, Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

I realize, however, that someone out there may shrink at the prospect of joining an elite. Im not worthy! goes the lament. Ill never know enough. Let me reassure you. This book is a compilation of articles, blog posts, essays, and answers to reader questions, all with the basic goal of helping both novice and veteran gardeners have a nice yard that pleases them. Empowering beginners has always been a hallmark of Southern Living . We live like youwell, except for the cave people in Arkansas, were not into thatand face the same challenges that make life rewarding and infuriating at the same time. Its what makes me Grumpy.

Many people ask why they dont see more of my garden in Southern Living . Truth is its because its not as pretty as the ones that you do. It lacks a pigeonnier, for one thingso embarrassing. A koi pond, Victorian glass greenhouse, Chihuly glass, sugar kettle, outdoor shower, and carriage house are missing too. My neighbors dont cut their grass. My roof has asphalt shingles. I collect antique glass insulators and display them proudly on our deck. And the garden has gnomes. Judy and I love hanging with our gnomies.

Would it shock you to learn that not every plant succeeds for Grumpy? Of course it would, but its true. I cannot grow a decent tomato. Apples rot on the tree. Moth orchids do not rebloom. My lawn has weeds. Voles eat my hostas and toad lilies. Stinking squirrels dig up my annuals. Tea scales encrust my camellias. Evil violets smother my luxurious moss lawn. Black gunk slathers the leaves of my gardenia. My fiddleleaf fig looks like its been strangled. My clivia shames itself with puny, stunted blooms. My sago palm rotted from too much water. Ive dosed a sick beautyberry with nitrogen, iron, manganese, sulfur, magnesium, and calcium, yet it remains horribly chlorotic. I can grow pothos and snake plant quite well, however. Theres that.

Gardeners often feel guilty when a plant dies. They feel they have failed in a public and most humiliating way. Nothing grows for me! they wail. I kill every plant I touch. Wait a minute. Did they ever stop to consider that perhaps they were not at fault? Maybe that wimpy plant would have ascended to The Big Compost Pile in the Sky no matter what. Possibly a sinister critter, bug, or fungus murdered it in cold sap. Plants die. Its a hard truth, but one all gardeners must face. I encourage readers to reverse their thinking. Think of a plants death in a positive way. If every plant you ever stuck in the ground lived, pretty soon every inch of your available gardening space would be consumed. Youd be sentenced to gaze at a stupefyingly boring, static landscape day after day. But when plants die, they present us with the opportunity to try something new and perhaps better. (Really, who needs another Knockout rose?)

In this A to Z Guide to Gardening, among other things were going to talk about some really dumb things that gardeners do, like butcher crepe myrtles, scalp their lawns, put down rubber mulch, grow things that look like marijuana, set loose invasive plants, and crank chainsaws while up in a tree. Were going to pan a slew of awful plants no one should grow, such as golden euonymus, Chinese privet, Bradford pear, and mimosa. Were going to take righteous revenge on loathsome pests like squirrels, moles, voles, and deer that devour our best laid plants. You will understand why they call me The Grumpy Gardener.

Take no prisoners. Lock and load.

A

AFRICAN VIOLET TO AZALEAS

AFRICAN VIOLET

Nowadays, being given an African violet is akin to receiving your AARP membership card. It means youre old, maybe on deaths door. Once the most popular of all flowering houseplants, the African violet remains practically unknown to Generation X, Generation Y, Star Trek: The Next Generation, millennials, and anyone who uses a smartphone to turn on their AC and dishwasher from another state.

But before you dismiss African violets as grandma plants, you might want to consider whether dear, old Meemaw ever flew in space. (Note: This does not include her unfortunate encounter with hard cider at the county fair.) African violets have. The EverFloris series resulted from seeds that spent six years in space, courtesy of the Space Shuttle. When the seeds returned and were sown, exciting mutations appeared. These space plants grow 50 percent bigger than normal. They display clusters of 20 blooms rather than the usual 5 to 7, and blooming is continuous. They also sing Shine on, Harvest Moon, whenever there is a harvest moon. Thats pretty special stuff.

Thus, the near disappearance of African violets from our homes is hard to explain. They arent difficult to grow. They arent expensive. And they bloom for a long time. They boast an amazing variety of flower shapes, sizes, and colors. Flowers may be single, semidouble, or double, and some flaunt fringed or ruffled petals. Color runs the gamut from blue, purple, lavender, red, pink, magenta, white, bicolors, and even green. Perhaps it was the green flowers that turned people off. Or the fact that they do need light and water to live, which doesnt fit in with todays active lifestyles.

African violets dont need direct sun to bloom well. In fact, they dont like it. What they want is 16 hours of bright, indirect light each day and 8 hours of complete darkness at night. A plant that is leggy, stretches, and never blooms isnt getting enough light. Of course, theyre not going to get this much natural light in summer, so grow lights become a necessary supplement.

Aha! I think weve discovered the problem! The vast majority of grow lights used today are employed by the medical marijuana industry. If people notice grow lights in your home, they might assume the worst and turn you in. Have you ever seen what shameful things sheriffs deputies do to African violets mistaken for marijuana? On a more positive note, more and more marijuana growers are adding African violets to their greenhouses for a delightful splash of color. Grumpy approves.

If youd like to follow their example, use well-drained potting soil thats formulated for African violets. Water from the bottom instead of the top. No, that doesnt defy the law of gravity like the moons inexplicable failure to crash down on Buenos Aires. Just set the pot in a saucer filled with water for as long as it takes for the soil at the top to become moist, and then dump out the extra water. Or use one of those nifty self-watering pots that also call 911 if you fall and cant get up. Each time you water, mix in a bloom-booster fertilizer formulated for African violets, such as 14-12-14. Let tap water stand out overnight to allow the chlorine to evaporate and the liquid to assume room temperature.