Grimes - Ordinary hazards
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- Book:Ordinary hazards
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- Year:2019;2020
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Growing up with a mother suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and a mostly absent father, Nikki Grimes found herself terrorized by babysitters, shunted from foster family to foster family, and preyed upon by those she trusted. At the age of six, she poured her pain onto a piece of paper late one night - and discovered the magic and impact of writing. For many years, Nikkis notebooks were her most enduing companions. In this memoir, Nikki shows how the power of those words helped her conquer the hazards - ordinary and extraordinary - of her life.
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Had to.Id already taken that rough ridewith my schizophrenic mother,and thats one ticketI will not buy again.Its a long story, but Im a poet.I can cut it short.
The girl with that name wasnt worth a lot, at least not so youd notice, which I suppose was why I chose to keep my distance. I mean, if she was worth the space she occupied, whyd someone lock her away? Whyd she take unearned beatings from strangers? Whyd her own mothernever mind. For now, lets just say the girl with that old name suffered things I wanted to forget. Besides, few people managed to pronounce my birth name as intended, and life is too short to spend correcting everyone I meet. I wont be revealing that name now, but thanks kindly for your interest.
I was particularly fond of parroting Scarlett OHara: Ill think about it tomorrow. But now my need for light and truth is greater than my fear of murky memories. Time to grab my flashlight and step into the tunnel. I peer into the past, pretending bravado, but still I shiver, as the ghosts of yesterday come screaming into the present without apology, dragging more baggage than I recall. Were masters of selective memory, arent we? Lets face it, were all allergic to pain. Pain can sully your soul, if you let it, and rage held in reserve will turn to sludge, will obstruct the passageway to your heart.
You wont even be aware of it, but over time, the river of your joy slows to a trickle. Your laughter loses its hardy echo. Before you know it, rage has you so clogged up inside, that precious little love or joy or laughter can squeeze through. If youre not careful, your heartjuststops. Emergency surgery is required. If youre going to survive, those passageways have got to be cleared.
Doctor? Get in here, stat.
Eat-in kitchen, living room, bathroom, bedrooms in the back. They called it a railroad flat, perfect preparation for the hours I would soon spend riding the rails.
I cant quite remember the hardness of the dresser drawer, only the softness of my blanket. I dont recall coming nose-to-nose with any rat, but there were mornings I did see an empty plastic bag on the kitchen table where a loaf of bread used to be, and the trail of breadcrumbs across the linoleum, a broken line of evidence.
No matter how you spell it, the word Mother is too small to suffice.
Yelling punctuated the air when he was there. Moms sharp tongue made his ears bleed every time hed gamble away the rent money. He nursed complaints of his own, like Mom draping wet diapers on his music stand, a sniper attack on a man who composed chamber music and played the violin. Cease-fires never lasted long.
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