Lederer - Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon the English Language
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Anguished English
Digital Edition v1.0
Text 2006 Richard Lederer
Illustrations 2006 Bill Thompson
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except brief portions quoted for purpose of review.
Gibbs Smith, Publisher
PO Box 667
Layton, UT 84041
Orders: 1.800.835.4993
www.gibbs-smith.com
ISBN: 978-1-4236-0889-9
Mark Twain once wrote, Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. He could have added, The human being is the only animal that truly laughs. Or needs to.
We all need to laugh. Recent studies have proved that he or she who laughs lasts. Each year the evidence grows that ingesting humor does a body good. Norman Cousins, who used laughter to conquer a debilitating disease, writes in Anatomy of an Illness, It has always seemed to me that hearty laughter is a way to jog internally without having to go outdoors.
A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures, winks an Irish proverb. A belly-shaking guffaw stimulates the circulation, fills the lungs, colors the cheeks, energizes the respiratory system, relaxes muscle tension, adds endorphins and T-cells to the immune system, aerates the capillaries, stabilizes blood sugar levels, dulls pain and inflammation, provides superb aerobic exercise, tickles the funny bonewell, you get the idea.
In Make Em Laugh, Dr. William Fry explains, When laughter gets to the point where it is called convulsive, almost every muscle in the body is involved. May Anguished English split your sides, rock your ribs, detonate your stomach into a rolling boil, and convulse every muscle you own.
Granting all the healthful effects of hearty laughter, I feel compelled to issue a warning: Overdosing on Anguished English could be hazardous to your daily routine. I caringly and carefully suggest that you sip the book slowly, imbibing no more than a chapter or two at a single sitting.
A word about the authenticity of the bloopers you are about to read: To my knowledge, all the fluffs and flubs, goofs and gaffes, blunders, botches, boo-boos, and bloopers in this book are certified, genuine, and unretouched. None has been concocted by any professional humorist.
In Anguished English, I lay before you the ripest fruits of a lifetime of being a hunter-gatherer of word botching. If you are a super duper blooper snooper, please send your best specimens to me at richard.lederer@pobox.com.
Richard Lederer
San Diego, California
www.verbivore.com
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or test paper. The original classroom blunder probably dates back to the day that some unsuspecting pupil first touched quill to parchment. Ever since, students have demonstrated a remarkable facility for mixing up words that possess similar sounds but entirely different meanings or for goofing up the simplest of facts.
The results range from the pathetic to the hilarious to the unintentionally insightful. The title of this chapter, for example, is based on a famous classroom faux pas: In 1957, Eugene ONeill won a Pullet Surprise. Other students have given bizarre twists to history by asserting that Wyatt Burp and Wild Bill Hiccup were two great western marshals and that the inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
Wyatt Burp and Wild Bill Hiccup
Sometimes the humor issues from a confusion between two words. Working independently, students have written, Having one wife is called monotony, When a man has more than one wife, he is a pigamist, A man who marries twice commits bigotry, and Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife. While one student reminisced, Each Thanksgiving it is a tradition for my family to shoot peasants, another observed, In nineteenth century Russia, the pheasants led horrible lives. And, reversing a g and q, a young man once wrote, When a boy and a girl are deeply in love, there is no quilt felt between them.
Side-splitting slips like these are collected by teachers throughout the world, who dont mind sharing a little humor while taking their jobs seriously. Many an inmate in the house of correction (of composition) knows the one attributed to William Lyon Phelps of Yale University, who allegedly found this sentence gleaming out of a student essay: The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom.
In the margin of the paper, the professor commented: My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped.
From my own cullings and those of other pedagogues, I offer my favorite student howlers, each a certifiably pure and priceless gem of fractured English worthy of a Pullet Surprise:
A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
I expected to enjoy the film, but that was before I saw it.
Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.
It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.
The problem with intersexual swimming is that the boys often outstrip the girls.
Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
The dog ran across the lawn, emitting whelps all the way.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
Bloopers abound in all types of classrooms. Take these (please!) from English papers:
The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.
A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in I am loved.
In Great Expectations, Miss Havisham puts herself into conclusion.
The first scene I would like to analyze occurs in Heart of Darkness.
At the start of The Grapes of Wrath, Oklahoma has been hit by a dust bowl.
At the end of The Awakening, Edna thinks only of herself. Her suicide is selfish because she leaves all who care about her behind.
In The Glass Menagerie, Lauras leg keeps coming between her and other people.
The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.
Students often revise history beyond recognition:
The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible.
Zwinglis followers all smashed their organs.
Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.
The Puritans thought every event significant because it was a massage from God.
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