Richard Lederer - The Bride of Anguished English: A Bonanza of Bloopers, Blunders, Botches, and Boo-Boos

My name begins with the letter M, and I pick things up. What am I?
You re a mother.

T he sins of the fathers, the Second Commandment tells us, shall be visited upon the children unto the third and fourth generations. And so shall the fluffs and flubs and goofs and gaffes of the fathers (and mothers), albeit in a much more innocent form. Children are rich natural sources of fresh bloopers. Some of the brightest pearls in my collection fall from the mouths of babes who are scarcely older than babies.

For example, an eight-year-old girl submitted this gem about people to her teacher:

People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are no good at all until they grow up and get married. Men who dont get married are no good either. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything they see except soap.

My ma is a woman and my pa is a man. A woman is a grown-up girl with children. My pa is such a nice man that I think he must have been a girl when he was a little boy.

Schoolteachers love adding such writing to their collections of kiddisms and keep journals of the amusing things their students have said. Some send these slops of the pen and slips of the lips to me so that I can share them with you:

A nursery-school teacher had spent half an hour dressing her kiddies for their outdoor playtime, pulling on boots, zipping and buttoning coats, matching mittens and gloves. As she finished struggling with Jennifers boots, she let out a sigh of relief. Then Jennifer tugged on her arm and announced, These boots arent mine, Teacher.

With a groan the teacher knelt down and pulled off the boots. Do you know whose boots these are, Jennifer?

Sure. Theyre my sisters. Mom makes me wear them anyway.

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.

A little voice from the back of the room asked, How will that help?

A third-grader announced that he had been to an upholstery farm. What? he was asked, and again he said that he had visited an upholstery farm. When asked to explain what he had seen there, he said, Why, turkeys and chickens, of course.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, Now, boys and girls, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.

Yes, sir, the students agreed.

Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesnt run into my feet?

A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet aint empty.

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, What flag is this?

A little girl called out, Thats the flag of our country.

Very good, the teacher said. And what is the name of our country?

Tis of thee, the girl said confidently.

During academic practice, students were asked to name our national anthem. One student answered, The Star-Strangled Banner.

Does anyone know what a pasture is? asked the fourth-grade teacher.

A hand shot up, and a pupil volunteered, Hes the guy at church!

No, corrected a classmate. The guy at church isnt called a pasture. Hes called a miniature.

When a six-year-old was presented with a photograph of a mummy and was asked what a mummy is, he replied, A mummy is a dead person wrapped in toilet paper.

Miss Mayfield had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they could pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, My name begins with the letter M, and I pick things up. What am I?

A little boy in the front row said, Youre a mother.

Who else but a mother (except, on occasion, a father) picks up things so thoroughly? And who else but a mother picks up and records the darndest things that kids say?:

A mother was putting away dishes in the kitchen when she heard her son call from the den, Mom, come quickly. I learned how to make babies in school today.

She almost dropped the dishes and had just composed herself when he again called, Mom, come and see what I learned about making babies.

When she finally arrived, her son beamed enthusiastically and said, See, Mom, you can change the y to i and add es to make babies.

A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled. From the very top hung something that looked strangely like a bullet. She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat and bushy pine tree. Its not a Christmas tree, he said. Its a cartridge in a pear tree.

A four-year-old girl was having a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. Her mother took out the wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her daughter. Once finished, Mother asked if the little girl had any questions, and the tike replied, Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?

Grandma decided to find out if her granddaughter had learned her colors yet. She pointed out object after object and asked the child what color each one was. Granddaughter answered each challenge correctly. Grandma was having so much fun that she continued. Finally, the child headed for the door and, pursing her lips, said, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!

A mother took her four-year-old son to a friends birthday party, where the father of the birthday boy had rented a cotton-candy machine for the day. The visiting child refused to try any cotton candy, whimpering, Mommy, you shouldnt eat insulation!

Another four-year-old boy was out in his backyard when he noticed a friend of his mother smoking a cigarette.

What are you doing? asked the tike.

Smoking, explained the grown-up.

To which the child replied, Dont you know that if you keep doing that youll get canceled?

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

How did you know? his mother asked.

Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think its printed on the bottom.

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, Dont kid me, Mom. I know theyre my feet.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

What are you doing? his mother asked.

The box says you cant eat them if the seal is broken, the boy explained. Im looking for the seal.

Mother (to her six-year-old son): What sound does a cow make?

Son: Moo.

Mother: What sound does a duck make?

Son: Quack, Quack.

Mother: Youre such a smart little boy. Can you tell me what sound a frog makes?

Son (after hesitating): Bud. Light.

A little boy was upset with himself. When his grandfather asked him what was the matter, he spluttered, Gramps, I wrote down the wrong homework assignment and spent the whole evening studying something I didnt have to know until next week!

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire. It hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.