Scarlett Moffatt - Me Life Story

Published by Blink Publishing

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535 Kings Road,

Chelsea Harbour,

London, SW10 0SZ

www.blinkpublishing.co.uk

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Hardback 978-1-911-600-46-6

Trade paperback 978-1-911-600-49-7

Ebook 978-1-911-600-50-3

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing of the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

Copyright Scarlett Moffatt, 2017

All photos courtesy of the author unless otherwise specified

All illustrations Shutterstock

Scarlett Moffatt has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

Blink Publishing is an imprint of the Bonnier Publishing Group

www.bonnierpublishing.co.uk

To my mam and dad (for all your love and support), to
Ava (for making me laugh everyday), to my auntie Kirsty,
nanny and pappy (for always being there and for all
those sleepovers where I got to watch Carry On movies as
a kid), and to the future generation of the family parties
Joshua and Noah xx

Love the book. Love the girl.

By Elisabeth Moffatt

Format: Hardback | Verified Purchase

Absolutely loved this book from start to finish it made me laugh out loud. And Im shocked at just how truthful Scarlett has been. Some very emotional pages which I must admit brought a tear to my eye. An added note: Scarletts mother sounds like a hoot. 10/10!

My sister is a LEGEND!

By Ava Moffatt

Format: Hardback | Verified Purchase

Eleven out of ten. Best book Ive ever read! I loved reading it, I feel like I almost know Scarlett lol.

One word: canny.

By Mark Moffatt

Format: Hardback | Verified Purchase

Could not put this book down. Read it in a day.

Nice one kid.

Ant always stands on the left and Dec on the right. They call it the 180-degree rule.

Over its lifespan, your sofa will be witness to roughly 293 arguments and 1,369 cuddles.

We find on average 1.80 hidden in our sofas every month. That equates to nearly 180 over the sofas lifetime (champion: thatll buy 211 sausage rolls from Greggs).

A s I stand there shaking like a shitting dog and smelling of mealworms, I clench Joel Dommetts hand. Ant and Dec are about to announce who has won Im a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! And to be perfectly honest I have no idea how I even made it onto the show, never mind made the final two.

I was all ready to say, Well done Joel, mate, youve done it, youve won! But when Dec announced, And the new Queen of the Jungle is , it actually took me brain at least five seconds to process what the words actually meant. Queen? Hang on, that must mean I have won, because, well, Joel has a penis and the Queen doesnt have a penis.

I could barely contain my emotions as I was ushered to the throne by Geordie royalty Ant and Dec. Wow! The show I had watched since I was eleven years old, the show that for the past two years people had watched me watch on Gogglebox. Nothing felt real as I was crowned the Queen of the Jungle.

Being on the Im a Celeb throne is my most celebrated sit thus far. This book tells me life story through a whole series of seats. Im always happiest sitting down. I think there is nothing better than simply sitting around with your family. The comfort and security of the family sofa is where you can truly be yourself, where you can sob your heart out and not be judged, where you can laugh so hard your belly aches.

We all love being a couch potato watching the television from time to time and I personally see it as a hobby. If you want to get into the technicalities of it, I know youre not physically doing much, but your eyes are getting a good workout, arent they? I mean, really youre practically doing bicep curls reaching into the packet of crisps, bringing them up to your mouth and repeat. Your legs get some exercise too, as youve got to do a Usain Bolt to the kitchen and make a brew during the ad breaks.

We also all love diving into a good book now and then. When I was little I used to always choose the same three books to read (or for my parents to read to me). It would either be a childrens illustrated Bible (although Im not particularly religious), anything by Dr Seuss and Aesops Fables. Thats because I love how the stories in these books always have a motivational quote, a life lesson or a moral at the end. So thats what Ive done in this book for you. As well as this, I have started each chapter with one of my true loves in life: facts. This is because I was one of those weird children that actually enjoyed learning. Hopefully, you can take away a few snippets of information from this book and shock your friends with some new-found knowledge. So, say your friend briefly mentions the fact there seems to be a lot of pigeons in town today, you can add, Did you know birds cannot urinate?

So I want you to take a seat, whether it be in the comfort of your own sofa, on the top deck of the bus, the Tube (so you dont have to make eye contact with anybody) or on the throne of the house (the toilet). I want you to get comfortable and get ready to laugh, cry and maybe even learn as I chat to you about some of the highs and lows of my life.

So yeah, so far, sitting on my arse has worked out pretty well for me. Thats why I always think:

Everyone starts out as an arsehole (we form around it in the womb).

Down the sides of sofas, underneath carpets, eaten by children and pets alike somewhere in the world there are over a million missing Scrabble tiles.

The first nativity scene didnt appear until 1223. It is a re-enactment of Jesuss birthday (which was not actually 25 December, it was more likely 17 June, scientists now think).