Liz Miele - Why Cats are Assholes

Copyright 2021 by Liz Miele

Illustration copyright 2021 by Chelsea Trousdale

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Chelsea Trousdale and Brian Peterson

Cover illustrations credit: Chelsea Trousdale

ISBN: 978-1-5107-5622-9

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-5623-6

Printed in China

To my parents and my cat, Pasta.
All three taught me everything I know.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Hi! Im a stand-up comedian and have been writing and telling jokes half my life. Whenever someone asks me whats my act like, whats my schtick, I always tell them, I mostly tell cat jokes. They always follow up with, Is there a demand for that? and the answer is, No... not really, I think because most cat people are introverted homebodies that cant bother to put on non-comfy pants to go to a comedy club. (I get it, Im with you!) I am also on YouTube and Spotify, but just go along with this theory...

So I thought, why not continue my underground punk bandlike legacy and expand my cat jokes to a cat book, taking a deep dive into the complexity of our love for felines. Are they tiny adorable terrorists that dont love us? OR are they tiny adorable terrorist that do love us? Let me help you solve this mystery once and for all!

But first, let me be honest and open. I have a degree in nothing. In fact, I can barely read. Enjoy what Ive written, but please dont take it seriously. Its not up for debate. This isnt Twitter. Im not trying to sway or shame anyone. Cat shaming will not be tolerated! This is merely a passion project to be enjoyed by the millions of cat lovers that just get it.

A bit of background. Both my parents are veterinarians. Theyre educated in the field, but Im just a cat lover with more free time than you.

I have a cat named Pasta, who is both the love of my life and simultaneously the worst thing that has ever happened to my favorite things. (RIP my favorite purse, backpack, half my shoes, and the right side of my comforter.) I think thats what real love is, being able to see all their flaws and loving them for who they are. Never really knowing if my cat loves me back is what keeps our relationship fresh and fun. Is she coming over to cuddle, or bite me? After fifteen years I still dont know. I think thats all you need to know to enjoy this book. Yes, you can love something so much you take pictures of it every day and show strangers on the subway, but also question why you allow it walk on your face while you sleep. You cant change them, and this book is here to help you understand why.

I have a lot of theories. I think about this stuff all the time. People ask about our ethnic background as a way to not just identify us but to understand our behavior. Its weird. I dont know how my grandfather being Italian makes you understand why Im yelling in this deli... oh wait, now I get it. But maybe, understanding your cats rote behaviors will help you get them better. Perhaps bring you closer or make you realize that ferrets arent that bad. I dunno. This book is neither a positive nor negative look at cats. Its just one woman asking one species, Why do you always cry at 3 a.m.?

Thanks for reading! And Ill say this: if at any time you feel the need to show me how cute or weird or crazy your cat is, I fully welcome all unsolicited cat pictures! They are the only reason I go on social media. Tag me on IG or Twitter @lizmiele and #WhyCatsAreAssholes.

MEET PASTA

I had a few cats growing up: Max (technically my older sisters cat) was black and white; Sancho, who died very young (also black and white); and all the cats that lived at my moms clinic next door. But Pasta was my first cat. I was nineteen and I had just moved into my first apartment in New York City. And because I had been living in dorms, I had gone two full years without living with a petwhich I had never experienced and didnt enjoy. I desperately needed a companion to ignore me, so I told my mom and she began scouting for some prospects. Every time she had a client come in with a pregnant cat or with kittens, shed snoop. Do these need a home? But no luck.

Then Ashley, one of my best friends from high school, had a cat on her farm that had kittens and I jumped on a train back to New Jersey to find me a kitty buddy. The litter was one grey tabby (my favorite color/pattern, if Im being honest, but it was already spoken for) and six all-black cats. So I sat on the ground playing with all of the kittens to find my new best friend. Pasta was so sweet and playful and cuddly! I loved her from the start and took her home immediately.

And she was never like that again.

Barely joking... but I did feel tricked. She was bitey, scratchy, uncuddly, and distant for probably a little over three years. I wanted a friend and instead got a Craigslist roommate. She sucked for a long time, and as this was my first cat I felt like Id fucked up. Like I made a bad choice or, worse, that I was a bad cat mom. Either way, I stuck with her. It felt the same way a real mom doesnt have a choice when her kids suck. (Does this mean Im ready to be a mom? Oh man!)

When Id go out of town for shows Id drop her off at my moms clinic and shed have to be in a cage away from all the other cats with notes that read Watch out she swipes! or Not friendly! or Filled with murderous rage. Will try to lure you in with her cuteness then tricks you and tries to scratch your eyes out. Dont trust. Bring back up. Heartbreaking! We are Italian! The only redeeming quality we have is that we are friendly. WHO HURT YOU?! You are making us look bad, Pasta! Every time she got a bad report card when I picked her up, I felt shame. Id say those clich client things like, Shes not like this at home. But it was kinda a lie. She wasnt as angry, but she had a lot of emotional baggage for a kitten.

We had our good and bad moments, and a little after three years she stopped being so angry at the world, and softened more each year. She cuddled more and soon became like a helicopter cat. Shed greet me at the door, follow me from room to room, watch me shower, sit on my lap when I was on the toilet, crawl in my lap the moment I sat anywhere, watch me cook, wanted to be held like a child (tall roommates and boyfriends were her fav, and they would carry her around the apartment doing errands. She loved it!), and when she wasnt following me around she was sitting somewhere high guarding the place, or deep in a closet taking a nap. Now when I drop her off at the cat clinic, she is beloved. Older staff would tell tales of what a terror she was and newer staff would hold her and say, I cant believe it! Not this cuddly angel! She no longer hates other cats and even has cat friends, roaming free at the practice and welcoming everyone like an ambassador or Walmart greeter. Some kitties need extra love and time. Ill be bringing her up a lot in this book, so just wanted you to know her story. Shes like the beast from