Michelle Heaton - Hot Flush

First published in Great Britain in 2018 by

Michael OMara Books Limited

9 Lion Yard

Tremadoc Road

London SW4 7NQ

Copyright Michelle Heaton 2018

All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-78243-953-0 in hardback print format

ISBN: 978-1-78243-979-0 in trade paperback format

ISBN: 978-1-78243-954-7 in ebook format

ISBN: 978-1-78929-007-3 in audio book format

www.mombooks.com

Contents

Foreword

CHAPTER 1 The Surgery

CHAPTER 2 The Shock of BRCA: Life-changing News and my Baby Girl

CHAPTER 3 The BRCA Bombshell Fallout and New Boobies

CHAPTER 4 My Baby Boy, Meningitis and Las Vegas

CHAPTER 5 Surgery Setbacks, Hair Thinning and Binge Eating

CHAPTER 6 Im Not Old: Fun, Anxiety, Friendships and Finding a Level

CHAPTER 7 Menopausal Mummy: Anger, Confusion and Losing Control

CHAPTER 8 BRCA Babies, Guilt and Dropping the Bombshell

CHAPTER 9 Married to the Menopause: Arent I Entitled to Be a Bitch Sometimes?

CHAPTER 10 Hot Work and Lack of Confidence

CHAPTER 11 Moving Forward

APPENDIX 1 Dealing with It: Finding What Works

APPENDIX 2 Eat Your Way to a Healthy Menopause

Thanks

Index

List of Illustrations

I dedicate this book to my mum and dad, who raised me and my baby brother David well. You all believed in me. I also dedicate it to my superstar manager Ali, my best friend Viv and her family.

But mostly, I dedicate this book to my husband, Hugh.

Without you and our two beautiful children, Faith and AJ, Id be a broken woman. You are my rock, my best friend, and more to me than you will ever know.

Heres to the future, no more looking back

Foreword

Ive been trying to write this book for years and while Im by no means at the end of this journey, with the toughest parts behind me and a brighter future to focus on and look forward to, it feels like the best time to commit my experiences to paper and tell the real truth about the last six years of my life. Buckle up and bear with me it wont be easy, but itll most definitely be honest.

When I was diagnosed with the BRCA2 gene mutation in 2012 and decided Id be having a mastectomy with reconstructive surgery and then a hysterectomy, which would put me into surgical menopause, all I knew about the M word was that it affected older women, like my mum, who suffered hot flushes, night sweats and headaches. I thought it meant something completely different to the reality of it.

Two major surgeries later, and Ive reduced my risk of breast and ovarian cancers down to a few per cent; but the emotional, physical and mental toll has been nothing short of cataclysmic, both for me and my husband and our two young children.

Im not alone in having the faulty BRCA gene and Im not alone in being a woman, a mother, whose life is turned upside down by something they didnt see coming and so couldnt prepare for. How we all cope with a diagnosis or change in life is very individual. Im not saying my reactions youll read about in the following pages are right, Im not saying Im proud of everything thats in this book but its the truth about how I coped, how my family coped, how we came close to not coping and how we eventually have learned to move forward in the face of it all.

You may have seen the TV interviews Ive done or read some of the magazine stories about my experiences and the surgeries Ive had, but this book lays bare the reality of what my journey has entailed. Its not sugar-coated, it doesnt fit neatly into a segment and there hasnt always been a happy ending.

Its been gut-wrenching, painful, heartbreaking, and at times it has felt impossible, but I hope my honesty about what Ive been through in the last six years will change more than a few opinions on menopause and how we view the millions of women across the UK who are going through it.

Ive lived a good life, one Im incredibly thankful for; Im a normal girl from Gateshead, I grew up on a council estate and I worked hard to get into, and stay in, the industry Im in. Im thirty-eight, I have a fantastic husband and great kids, and Ive been blessed with wonderful friends and an amazing career. My health hasnt played ball along with the other parts of my life, but its taught me so much about resilience, fortitude and strength, and I hope thats evident as you read through these pages.

What I also hope is apparent is that all any of us can do when faced with adversity is our best. Theres no magic answer, no magic key or solution that will let us sail through the tough things life throws at us; all any of us can do is try and figure things out as we go, and learn as much as from what doesnt work as from what does. No one knows what hand theyre going to be dealt and we can all choose either to let it break us or make us.

Ive had times when Ive been on my knees, both literally and metaphorically, not sure whether I could get up or carry on, but in those bleak moments we can all find a reason to keep fighting. For me, thats my family, but whatever youre going through in life, find a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you cant walk, crawl, but keep moving forward: its the only way through and at some point, a new day will begin.

At times as I went through my surgeries, I was in so much pain and hurting so much inside and out, the thought of moving forward felt impossible but, little by little, I got better, got more resilient, moved on, learned and let the experience make me a stronger woman, stronger mother, stronger friend, sister and wife.

Some of the things youll read about in this book are things Ive never told a soul and Ive been honest about things that are impossibly hard to admit. At times I doubted my marriage would weather the storm, and I wouldnt have blamed my husband for walking out on me and never coming back. Im incredibly fortunate Hugh is still my rock and while Im committing the last six years to paper, Im also moving on: looking forward and leaving the past thats taught me so much behind.

Im Michelle Heaton, and this is my journey

CHAPTER 1

The Surgery

Im sorry, Michelle; its inoperable and incurable. Theres nothing we can do. While we cant be sure, you have a few weeks to get your affairs in order. Im really very sorry

Mummy, Im hungry, I want breakfast, can I have Cheerios? Mummy?

Jolted awake, with my heart racing, I blinked in the half light, looking around at my familiar bedroom, my Faith all of two years old in her cute little Doc McStuffins pyjamas, scruffy blonde bedhead, eyes still half asleep thinking about her belly and yawning while she clambered up into bed beside me. She snuggled in while I registered what had just happened, and the words Id just heard, as clear as day.

The bedside clock swam into view it was 5.45 a.m. I could hear my husband, Hugh, in the shower already and while everything appeared to be normal, having been startled awake, I desperately tried to process the nightmare Faith had brought me out of.