Ben Karlin (Ed.) - Things Ive Learned from Women Whove Dumped Me

The events described in this book are true, but the names and other identifying characteristics of some of the people have been changed to protect their privacy.

Compilation copyright 2008 by Ben Karlin

Introduction copyright 2008 by Ben Karlin

Graphic for Nine Years Is the Exact Right Amount of Time to Be in a Bad Relationship by Andro Buneta.

The Heart Is a Choking Hazard copyright 2008 by Stephen Colbert.

Strange Gifts Can Scare copyright 2008 by Marcel Dzama.

Beware of Math Tutors Who Ride Motorcycles copyright 2008 by Will Forte.

She Wasnt the One by Bruce Jay Friedman was originally published as Kneesocks in Hampton Shorts magazine. Hampton Shorts, Inc. Volume 1, number 1. Summer 1996 Bruce Jay Friedman.

Being Awkward Can Be a Prophylactic Against Dry Humping copyright 2008 by Matt Goodman.

Always Make Her Feel Like Shes #1 copyright 2008 by Alex Gregory.

Technology Can Be Friend and Foe copyright 2008 by Alex Gregory.

Lessons of a Cyclical Heart copyright 2008 by Marcellus Hall.

Things More Majestic and Terrible Than You Could Ever Imagine copyright 2008 by Todd Hanson.

Dirty Girls Make Bad Friends copyright 2008 by A. J. Jacobs.

You Too Will Get Crushed copyright 2008 by Ben Karlin.

Sometimes You Find a Lost Love, Sometimes You Dont copyright 2008 by Bob Kerrey.

A Dog Is No Reason to Stay Together copyright 2008 by Damian Kulash, Jr.

Notes Towards a Unified Theory of Dumping copyright 2008 by Sam Lipsyte.

It Wasnt Me, It Was Her copyright 2008 by Rick Marin.

Dont Leave Too Much Room for the Holy Spirit copyright 2008 by Tom McCarthy.

Dont Enter a Karaoke Contest Near Smith College; You Will Lose to Lesbians copyright 2008 by Jason Nash.

Nine Years Is the Exact Right Amount of Time to Be in a Bad Relationship copyright 2008 by Bob Odenkirk.

Dating a Stripper Is a Recipe for Perspective copyright 2008 by Patton Oswalt, Lord Loudoun, Inc.

The first half of Neal Pollacks Dont Come on Your Cat was published, in somewhat different form, on Nerve.com.

Get Dumped Before It Matters copyright 2008 by David Rees.

Girls Dont Make Passes at Boys with Fat Asses copyright 2008 by Andy Richter.

I Still Like Jessica copyright 2008 by Rodney Rothman.

I Am a Gay Man copyright 2008 by Dan Savage.

You Can Encapsulate Feelings of Regret, Panic, and Desperation in a Two-and-a-Half-Minute Pop Song copyright 2008 by Adam Schlesinger.

Baby Ive Changed written by Adam Schlesinger and Chris Collingwood. Published by Vaguely Familiar Music and Monkey Demon Music. Copyright 2004.

A Grudge Can Be Art copyright 2008 by Andy Selsberg.

Eggs Must Be Broken... copyright 2008 by Tom Shillue.

Im Easy by Paul Simms was originally published as Four Short Crushes in The New Yorker, April 30, 2007.

Keep Some Secret Admirers Secret copyright 2008 by Eric Slovin.

Sex Is the Most Stressful Thing in the History of the Universe copyright 2008 by Dan Vebber.

Persistence Is for Suckers copyright 2008 by David Wain.

Women Are Never Too Young to Mess with Your Head copyright 2008 by Larry Wilmore.

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Grand Central Publishing

Hachette Book Group

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New York, NY 10017

Hachette Book Group, 237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017, Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

First eBook Edition: February 2008

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ISBN: 978-0-446-51138-4

This ones for the ladies

Time heals some wounds.

American folk saying

I Think My Son Is a Catch

by Barbara Karlin

My son is a real catch and shame on any girl whos ever thought otherwise.

Hes tall, but not too. He runs marathons and scales mountains. And of course he has those gorgeous blue eyes. And on top of it all, hes funny. Of course I didnt think everything he did was so funny when he was a kid. I used to tell him thats not so funny all over the house. Back then I called him a smart aleck but now I call him creative. If you make money from being a smart aleck, youre creative. If you dont make money, youre a putz. So, hes creative. Come on, girls, why would you break up with my creative son?

And a good time hell show you. You want fine restaurants? My Benjamin knows them alland he isnt afraid to spend his money. Not on me of course, but thats not what Im here to talk about. You want travel and adventure? Hes been all over the world. Without me. A great communicator you want? Well, I know hell call you more than he calls me. You want someone who can sing and dance? Forget about it.

Catches like my Benjamin you dont find every day. Did I mention he can cook? Im not talking brisket or chicken soup. Im talking very fancy food Ive never heard of. Hell make things so pretty you wont know whether to eat them or wear them. And then he makes these funny little jokes about you not appreciating it on the same level as he does. Im not sure what that means. But if you want to try organic fiddlehead ferns, hes your man.

Whenever a girl would dump my sonand he had his share of heartbreak as a boyI would always say the same thing to him: Those girls are all fools and idiots. They dont know what theyre missing. He would always say, Youre just saying that because youre my mom. He had me there.

But Id like to think just because hes my son, and I gave birth to him and fed him from my breast and raised him, doesnt mean I cant look at things objectively. Sure I can! I guess you can tell how much I love my son and what a great catch he is. So if you catch him, please tell him to call his mother.

by Nick Hornby

At the time of writing, I have been happily married for thirteen months, to a woman I have been living with for eight years. Thanks to the book you are currently holding in your hand, the implications of this are now clear to me: not only have I learned nothing whatsoever for the best part of a decade, but also the things I did learn are beginning to fade disastrously from the mind, in much the same way that the five or six facts gleaned from my formal education have almost disappeared. (I used to pride myself on being able to remember three of the Chartists six demands, but the three, I now realize, have become one: universal suffrage. That must have been a big one, though, right? The other five were surely all minor disgruntlements, by comparison.)

No, instead, reading about all this learning reconciles me to the future, when I have messed this marriage up and Im back on the singles circuit, aged fifty-nine, say, or sixty-seven, or eighty-two; the success of institutions like the University of the Third Age demonstrates that our thirst for learning remains unquenched even in our twilight years.

It is perhaps best not to analyse too closely what exactly it is that these writers have gleaned from their romantic mishaps. Andy Selsberg, for example, has clasped to his bosom the lesson that holding grudges is fun. (Well, der! What did he think relationships were for? Mutual support, raising children, looking after each other in old age? And how old are you, Andy?) Rodney Rothman learns that the girl who broke his heart doesnt actually remember dating him in the first place. Dan Savage found out that he wasnt interested in women. This is all useful stuff, but one can see that anyone doubtful about the intellectual value of romantic trauma might still need a little more evidence of its efficacy.