Anonymous-9 - Hard Bite and Other Short Stories

HARD BITE

&

Other Short Stories

by

Anonymous-9

Hard Bite & Other ShortStories

Anonymous-9

Meet a wheelchair-bound vigilante with a deadlyhelper-monkey assistant, a woman who murders the wives of men shewants for herself, and see what happens when cannibals overtake theCalifornia State Capitol! Down in Hell, we get a glimpse into thebureaucratic blunderings of the Family Homicide Department, andthere's a secret as to why one restaurant in San Francisco hasdishes that taste exquisitebut you might lose your appetite whenyou find out why.

Anonymous-9 "came from nowhere" in 2008 andgained critical acclaim for her hard-boiled vision and darklyhumorous take. Hard Bite & Other Short Stories collects heraward-winning fiction, ten tales in all, for the very firsttime!

Praise for ANONYMOUS-9

There is a novels worth of ideas here and I wishthere was one so I could go and buy it now. Anonymous-9 is one hellof a drug.

--BRIAN LINDENMUTH, BSC Review.com

Anonymous-9 is one of my favorite crime writers.

--NICK MAMATAS, Novelist, Bram Stoker andInternational Horror Guild awards nominee.

When you read Killer Orgasm you realize 1) thewriter is wicked, and 2) she had a blast writing it.

--CINDY CROSMUS, Editor, Yellow Mama

Too many self-styled noirists rely on the curdlednote, the wince of revulsion easy enough to accomplish in anopening line or scene and never bother to develop theircharacters enough to make us care. Anonymous-9 does her duediligence: her prose eviscerates and then sticks around to considerthe tableau. Her characters are layered and complex, and even attheir most horrifying, they smack of humanity and humor and evencompassion.

--SOPHIE LITTLEFIELD, A Bad Day for Sorry & A Bad Day for Pretty

Who Is Anonymous-9?

Winner, 2009 Best Short Story on the Web,Spinetingler Magazine

Two-time Nominee, 2009 Derringer Awards, ShortMystery Fiction Society

Nominee, 2010 Thriller Awards, Short Storycategory, International Thriller Writers

Nominee, 2010 Best Short Story on the Web,Spinetingler Magazine

Copyright 2011 by Anonymous-9 and ElaineAsh

All rights reserved.

Cover art by Rebecca Forster

www.rebeccaforster.com

Smashwords Edition License Notes: This ebook islicensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not bere-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to sharethis book with another person, please purchase an additional copyfor each person you share it with. If you're reading this book anddid not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only,then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your owncopy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

Contents

Hard Bite

Tequila Spike

Claw Marks

Backseat Driver

Mama Knew

Organic Chicken Tortilla Soup with

Chopped Finger Garnish

Return of the Night of the Living DeadMonkey

from Sunset Boulevard

Killer Orgasm

Eating the Deficit

The Master Bedroom

M-N-S (n) murder-necrophilia-suicide

Notes and Quotes

Acknowledgements

Dedication

HARD BITE

I like to kill people.

Its important to admit the truth to yourself,even if you lie to others, and I do a lot of lying in my line ofwork. Inside my head, I try to keep the truth black and white, nogrey area: I like to kill. I love to kill, people.

Sid knows were going somewhere tonightbecause my eyes keep flicking at the clock, and it usually meansweve got a job to do.

I found my latest target online, at a newssite. A national story, local to Los Angeles. Killing locally is anecessity, since Im not really mobile. A Mac with assistivetechnologies enables me to work the keyboard.

Assistive technology is a code word for stuffthat helps cripples use a computer. Easy to understand, right?Because its the truth. People have a hard time with truth when itcomes bent and deformed, crushed, or hideousso they invent termslike assistive technologies to sidestep the one word that makes itcrystal clear: cripple.

Crippled.

Crippling.

I went from noun to action verb riding ayear-long bed of pain. After flirting with suicide, which lost itsappeal contemplated deeply, a fresh start in rough justice soundedright. Why settle for cripple when you can be crippling, haha.

I admit, I dont look very imposing. Its mywheelchair, the steel hand, my pencil neck that would flop over andcrack from the weight of my head if it werent for the metal rodholding it up. I look useless, you think. You think wrong. And fuckyou, by the way, for your perception. I bring righteous vengeanceto evil people, make a living, and take care of myself, by myself.What do you do with your life motherfucker???? ..........Sorry, Irant sometimes. Sorry, buddy. Keep reading. Please.

I was going to tell you about a few successfulkills. At first I called myself an assassin to give the impressionI wasnt just a whack job lusting for bloodtheres a larger reasonwhy I kill. But then Merriam Webster ruined that idea by definingit as killing for impersonal reasons and thats incorrect. I killfor extremely personal reasons. Starting with the individual whohit me with his black BMW, carrying me ten blocks on the grille,braking so Id fall off, and gunning over top of me, shattering myneck, crushing my left arm and feet, and squashing my largeintestine to mush. I cant digest much of anything, but my dickstill works. Go figger.

Uh oh, look at that clock. Times a-wastin.Sid needs one more practice session before show time.

I drop my right shoulder so my neck isexposed. Soft bite, Sid.

Sid scrambles up my body, so light and fasthes more like a breeze than a weight, and locates the bulgingjugular vein. He gently squeezes it with his canines. Ever see apicture of a thirteen-year-old capuchin monkeys canine teeth?Theyre about a half inch long, curved and sharp. Sid lets go andgives me a lick.

Good boy. Get down. Fetch pencil.

In one spring, Sid is on the desk, expertlyplucking a pencil from a cup.

Here. I extend my lips like I want to befed.

Sid puts the pencil in my mouth. I grip it andsay out of the corner of my mouth, Hard bite. He snaps the thingoff in one crunch. I taught Sid to bite using varying pressurefrom a delicate bite that wouldnt break the skin on an overripepear, to a hard bite right through wood. Then I got him used tobiting close to my head and neck. Hes smart enough to make themental jump, and ace a hard bite to a guys jugular. Later thisevening, hopefully.

Sid is motivated to perform, thanks to myunique training and reward system. No nuts and bananas for Sid.When he does well, I let him watch monkey porn; a download ofcapuchins humping, and let him masturbate to it. Yeah, I know howyou feel, but I get mine from a rental chick once a week, so hedeserves some, too.

Cinda says she doesnt give anybody elsebareback BJs, but me, so Im trusting shes got no STDs. Of courseshe sees clients off her internet ads, but thats all condomized.She trusts Im not seeing anybody. Who would see me? I look like anAIDS patient already, my eyeballs sunk in the sockets, cheekshollowed out. That being said, Cinda actually calls me herboyfriend and I dont pay anymore. Says she feels safe with me. Iguess when a womans been kicked around like Cinda, a guy boltedinto a wheelchair is a plus. I might see Cinda latertonight.

Hit and runs are my thing. The kind where adriver drags a little old lady over a block of speed bumps, breaksher in pieces, and hightails it out of there. Or a methed-out witchplows through a little kid and puts the pedal down. I read everybit of news on local hit-and-runs. There are always people who canput two and two togetherbody shops and paint jobbers, people inthe vicinitythey all have a little something for me.

What...you thought I cruise the city on acripple scooter, playing detective? First of all, I ride anold-school motorized chair with big, spoked wheels, not a pussyscooter. I like the shock value. Second, everybodys on the netlooking for drugs, sex, whatever. Hit and run drivers are not themost upstanding citizens. Anybody who flees the broken body of aperson theyve crashed is into nefarious shit in some other area oftheir life, guaranteed. I find em, uncover whatever illegal orimmoral thing they want, and represent myself as the person who candeliver.