Troy Deeney - Troy Deeney: Redemption

There are a lot of people to thank for their support during this crazy journey Ive travelled so far in my life. In fact, too many to mention, so if you havent been mentioned by name we both know why .

But seriously, every person thats helped from conversations to arguments I appreciate you. Having said that, I have a few individuals without whom things could be very different and not in a good way. Firstly my mum, Emma, whos been a rock all my life and always been there for me. My father, Paul Anthony Burke, who you will read about, but who, regardless of his faults, loved and guided me in his way and gave me many of the traits that have made me what I am today.

My siblings Ellis, Sasha, Joel and Caiden, Im proud of all of you and love you all more than you will know. My agent and friend, Simon Kennedy, whos been there through all my career highs and lows and always had my back. Disk, my closest friend, my right-hand man, youve done more for me than anybody would ever know. I love you to death.

Finally to the lady, my Queen, who literally changed my life for the better. Alisha, you brought the light to my brain and showed me what Im truly capable of. This life will lead us down lots of crazy paths but Im forever grateful that its you walking side by side with me I love you.

To my kids, you will never know the impact youve had on my life youre the reason I get up and work so hard. I love you more than I can ever express.

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Three people made me who I am today: Emma Deeney is my Mum and the strongest person I know. My Dad, Paul Anthony Burke, decided I should take my Mums surname when I was a young child because he had the kind of reputation around Birmingham that made it better if I was not readily associated with him. Even though my Dad could be violent and abusive towards me and Mum, even though he was in and out of jail most of his life, he looked after me, he taught me how to be a man, he taught me how to play football and I knew that he loved me and that I loved him. And Colin Hemmings is my biological father.

They are what made me the way I am. The three of them. You dont really need to look much further than them to understand me.

Colin Hemmings was a hospital porter who wanted to be a DJ. He left me and my Mum when I was a baby and I have had very little to do with him since. Until recently, just hearing his name would make me feel angry. Rejection like that leaves a mark on a kid and on a man and, knowingly and unknowingly, I have been trying to deal with it for most of my life.

In the period of my life when I drank too much, a decade or so ago now, I thought I drank because I couldnt deal with death. When I was drinking the most, going straight from a nightclub in Birmingham to catch the 4.30am train out of New Street to Watford Junction, sleeping in my car for a couple of hours at the Watford training ground before I went out to play football, I attributed it to the fact my Dad was dying from cancer.

But the root of my unhappiness, the core of the struggle I was having with myself, actually came a lot earlier in my life. I think of Colin Hemmings as a sperm donor. Nothing more. That was the only contribution he made to my life really. But his rejection left a mark on me that I cant get rid of no matter how hard I try to scrub it away.

And when my father passed away, who was the DJ at his wake?

Colin Hemmings.

I know that surreal is an overused word these days but I think that qualifies. It was incredibly weird. He came up to me a couple of times and I was thinking, This is really not the time. He was trying to ask me if I was all right. Not really, no. Some people said we look alike my Mum always used to say it when shed had a few drinks and that really wound me up.

Im good at forgetting. In fact, over the years, Ive made myself an expert in forgetting. If youre in the same room as me and Im not looking in your direction, youre not here. Youre just a painting on the wall and I walk past you all the time. At the wake, a couple of people said to me: He looks like you, Troy. And I said: Yeah, its my Dad. They said: But werent we just burying your Dad?

Its clear to me now that that first feeling of rejection is why I have always wanted to fit in. Its why I have always wanted to people-please, why I have wanted to be one of the lads, why I have wanted to be happy, why I have wanted everyone to like me, why I have seen it as my role to make people laugh, why I have never felt like I was good enough, why I have felt like an impostor, on and off the football pitch.

Someone chose to bring me into this world and then have nothing to do with me. And the reason he left couldnt have been anything to do with my Mum because everyone who has met Mum knows that she is a wonderful, strong woman. How can you not like my Mum? So I deduced from that that it must have been me. Thats how I used to think about it: he must not have wanted me.

I know thats backwards thinking but thats how it was. A lot of things I have done are because of rejection. I have put this hard mask on, this tough guy who fights and brawls and gives no quarter and went to prison and told my family not to cry when the sentence was handed down and says the Arsenal players dont have cojones, all because I dont want to be rejected again.

Even the drinking comes back to rejection. I dont actually like to drink. I dont think anybody does. I dont think anybody picks up a pint of lager for the first time, drinks it and thinks, That was better than water. Its an acquired taste and just something that we do socially. No one likes it the first time. No one picks up a brandy and goes, That didnt burn my chest. So I never drank until I was 18.

But because everyone around me was drinking, I felt I had to drink or they wouldnt let me hang around with them. If you dont drink, youre going to be the weirdo. I used to drink because thats what everybody else was doing. I dont look at a brandy and think, I cant wait to drink that. But as soon as I have one, Im all or nothing: Im going to drink until I black out.

I also struggle with conflict resolution. People see Troy Deeney and think, Hes not scared of anything. Thats actually the opposite to the way I really am. I need a lot of reassurance in normal life. Football is where I have built this alter ego and I can be something else. The real me is very conscious of being classed as stupid. People say Im a smart individual but I know I dont have the books smart. Im more street smart.

When I do newspaper interviews, say, Ill maybe do an hours worth of research as to who they are, who they have spoken to already, just so I dont go into a room not knowing. Its not for preparation. Its so I can go in a room and feel I belong. I know once I speak to someone for five minutes, I can gauge that person. But going into a boardroom or a financial meeting, I put people at an intellectual level above me because I havent got that confidence.

If I like you, I will try my best not to argue with you. Even if I know Im right, Ill say Im wrong so I cant have an argument with you as I dont like what that does. I think that comes from my childhood sense of always wanting to fit in, always wanting to be someones mate and always wanting to be accepted.