Thom Bierdz - Forgiving Troy: A True Story of Murder, Mental Illness and Recovery

Millions of viewers fell in love with Thom Bierdz on The Young & The Restless unaware that his real life was more dramatic than any soap opera. This book proves he is not just another pretty face but an artist of substance, power and talent.

- Daniel R. Coleridge, TVGUIDE.COM

An epic, raw and overwhelming story of tragedy, chaos, humanity, and ultimately compassion. A rare book that dives, unapologetically and uncensored, into the workings of an American family torn apart by matricide and mental illness. Highly recommended!

- Jeffrey Keen, USABOOKNEWS.COM

Shakespearean in its tragic underpinnings, Forgiving Troy fearlessly tackles a litany of societal ills that ostensibly seem insurmountable, yet the book reverberates with the clear ring of redemption. Author artist activist Thom Bierdz has dysfunction running through his veins, but just like a junkie in the process of hardcore rehabilitation, he wages a war against his demons.

- Michael Kearns, IN MAGAZINE

your book is stunningIve been consumed by it all week, either reading it or thinking about it constantly - you have not helped my chronic insomnia any this week. I like to think Im fairly articulate, especially since I write for a living, but Im at a loss for words. Your honesty so raw, your personal journey so haunting, Im in a mixed state of being pained, empathetic, overwhelmed, exhilarated and incredibly inspired.

I have never ever read such a brutally honest and well written autobiographyI finished reading it last night and said WOW, I really could not believe one person could go through so much and still be saneit really is life-changing, mate. I really believe the book can show people that anything is possible.

I felt like I was intruding into your soul. Honest, I thoughtI shouldnt be here. This is private.

Your own personal life force literally flows off the pages

Have you ever read any of the books by Richard Bach by any chance? Jonathon Livingston Seagull? Illusions? Been pondering ad nauseum the last time I was affected quite this way by another book and it suddenly dawned on me

you may well have written the most self-analytical biography since Brian Wilsons book Wouldnt It Be NiceCongratulations Thom,

Copyright 2009 by Thom Bierdz

Thom Bierdz, Inc.

www.ThomBierdz.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the owner, Thom Bierdz.

EPUB ISBN: 978-0-98270-476-9

Mobi ISBN: 978-0-98270-475-2

PDF ISBN: 978-0-98270-474-5

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-61539-485-2

Paintings reproduced in book with permission from Thom Bierdz.

Front cover left photo by: Gregg Edelman (www.exposedgallery.com)

Front cover right photo by: Marina Rice Bader (www.marinaricebader.com)

Back cover top photo by: Barry King (www.barryking.com)

Back cover bottom photo: Steve Callahan (www.stevecallahan.com)

Book design by: Rosamond Grupp

Printed in the United States of America

To Mothers

our source of unconditional love

This book would not have been possible without the love, support, and kindness of my dad, sister, aunts, cousins, and all the members of my immediate family.

For sharing my life and work, thank you to Joe Argazzi, Doug Bisson, Steve Callahan, Gary Erxleben, Gary Scheuerman, and Steve Williams.

Thanks especially to my editor, Wil Perdue, for displaying his devotion, talent, and integrity by challenging my every sentence to keep this book honest.

And for embracing my story, thank you: Jeffrey Keen, Bill Granger, Alonsay Salon, Marc Alexander, Jamie Anderson, Bradley Bessey, Dr. Tom Bierdz, Jeffrey Blyseth, Pam Brealey, Elise Bromberg, Minda Burr, Becky Cannady, Phil Cannizarro, Robert Cichocki, Wayne Chester, Dennis Christesen, Joe Clapsaddle, Daniel Coleridge, Luis Contreres, Jilly Cook, Lamar Damon, Donalee Darby, Bruce Dent, Kate Diamond, Carol Doyle, Eddie Dyer, Tom Ellis, Ken Faulkner, Robert Gant, Larry Garcia, Stephen Gatta, The Gourmet Grape, Cathy Griffin, Ron Grove, Heidi Gilles, Kevin Haberl, Bill Harris, Emily Heckman, Warren Hohmann, Jennifer Howell, Jon Imparato, Andrew Isen, Nancy Jones, Sarah Kendell, Andrienne Kessler, Barry King, Janet Leong, Jacques Kaplan, Randy Allen Larsen, Neal LaVine, Jean Leigh, Patti Lesser, Kevin McDonald, Valerie McFadden, Colleen McGrann, Gina Meyers, Danne Montague King, Carl Moellenberg, Steve Moore, Bart Mruz, Breanne Munroe, Mark Nagel, Brian Niemark, Dr. Michael Olson, Marcel Pariseau, Mark Peterson, Marina Rice Bader, Tony Rizzo, Nick Salamone, Bob Scarano, Ron Scott, Shig, Amy Shomer, Devin Sidell, Robin Siegel, Soap Opera Digest, Doug St. Clair, Anne Stockwell, Rebecca Street, True Crime Magazine, Lucien Truscott, Robert Waldron, Brian Waldvogel, David Wareham, Jim Warren, Tony Westbrook, Marc Wheaton, Alec Wilder, Marianne Williamson, Travis Wilson, Bella and the Canters waitresses, and everyone at The Young and the Restless.

O n July 14, 1989, my youngest brother beat our mother to death with a baseball bat.

This book is a record in words and images of my need to understand why she was killed. The search was debilitating and caused me to doubt my own sanity. It was also exhilarating and, I believe, miraculous.

Me, Mom, and Troy (a month before Troy killed Mom)

All events in this book are true.
Some names have been changed to protect identities.

T hat Saturday afternoon, when the phone rang with news that would change the rest of my life, I was in a monkey cage.

I had built the cage for a little Rhesus monkey named Abu. I wanted him to have as much room as possible to swing on his toy tire, so the cage extended from my bedroom window a few yards to the driveway. It was a good thing I had this extra space because when I was inside this cage, washing monkey feces off the wood slats, and stepped too close to my pet, he would back into a corner and scream. This monkey seemed to fear me from the day we met. Abu rejected most attempts to love him, and his hostility tested my affection for him daily.

The phone rang again then the machine answered.

Tommy? It was Hope, my 28-year-old sister.

Although I was a year younger than Hope, I felt older because Id escaped our little midwestern town years ago. I was flying high in Hollywood, banking on my fame as a daytime TV star to propel me to my ultimate dream of movie-stardom. I might not look like Tom Cruise with my hands dripping soap scum and monkey shit, but people told me I resembled him. My look and determination landed me a big part on the countrys #1 soap opera, The Young and the Restless. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing to stop me from becoming the next big box-office star in 1990 or soon after.

Hopes soft voice cracked, Somethings happened here. We have to talk.

Surprised by her tone, I quickly climbed through the window into my bedroom, dried my hands, and picked up the phone. Whats wrong?

He did it, Hope said. Troy killed her.

What?

Moms dead.

Troy killed her?

He killed her, she confirmed.

Now wait a minute, I took a breath, letting it sink in. Moms dead?