Theodore Deacon - Jesus Was a Con Man Who Pissed Off the Romans

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2012 Theodore Deacon

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 9781624886119

This book is based on cons as chapter markers. Here is how it reads.

In The Beginning

B efore Jesus was brought into this world, there had to be someone to birth this iconic bullshit artist. Throughout the world, many women bore a child in hopes that they would be born into greatness. Each one of these ladies lacked that certain something to pass onto their child, the gift and knowledge of the ultimate con artist. The best of the best happened to run into each other, as you will see soon (the apostles).

These women bred their young men to go above and beyond the mere tricks of the trade the men before them had done and to excel in a way that very few have seen. These children honed their skills in very different ways, but they all had the same mindset; Do whatever you have to, to get whatever you want. It was only natural that these like-minded individuals would eventually find one another and create one of the most architecturally asinine pieces of literature, that to this day, people follow with all their hearts and do little to question its validity. God forbid you try to bring facts and reason into an argument with a person of faith, it will totally pass them by without them having a clue or possibly even making a rational retort that science could not prove.

Around the same time in history, all these children were born and developed into the rat pack that so many loved. Mary had been a young lady who felt she was destined for so much more than a mediocre life. She was not a rich person, nor the most intelligent (book-wise), but she was a crafty bitch. She could WOW the pants off any man or woman she met. She had this subtle nature about her that also made her seem so innocent, that accusing her of lying or deceit would be unimaginable. Mary was betrothed to Joseph and knew she had little time to get her rocks off before she was destined to a life of marriage and children.

Mary wasnt the little angel she is portrayed in the Bible. She had her wild side and was as conniving as the best swindler that came before her. She was the type of person who could lie to you and hold a straight face all the way through. If you were speaking to her and lying, you would fear she would call bullshit. Mary pulled many cons during her hay days and got away with them all. She was a master of disguise, slight of hand, and had a sharp and witty tongue.

Before the miracles Jesus pulled on the world, his mother, Mary, pulled a great one herself. This miracle she performed is obviously where Jesus natural ability as a con man came from. Mary was an exceptional bullshit artist. She was so good that she would make an everyday con man question the validity of their own knowledge. Since technology was not at their disposal in those days to let you know you are pregnant, the people only knew by the morning sickness and a bump. Mary didnt show much of a bump, so she was able to hide the fact that she was pregnant from her husband. She just said she was gaining a little weight, thats all. Kind of like the women on, I didnt know I was Pregnant that some many people follow these days. When Mary finally discovered she was with child, the engines started running in her brain. She had told her husband she was a virgin, under her breath she said, Unless you count anal. She was also pretty sure that throat babies werent possible either.

Mary sat and thought of the most outrageous, unexplainable, and unbelievable story of her pregnancy that she could possibly come up with that people would buy. Mary wanted to protect her unborn child as well and knew this story had to pass the mustard. The premise in which this con was created out lasts many of Jesus cons he performed.

We all know the story and the journey made by Mary and Joseph; what we werent told was that at first Joseph kicked Marys ass to the curb. Joseph sat and listened to the fable Mary had concocted in her devious mind. Joseph was a bitch and he went and found her to bring her back home and forgave her. Joseph searched all around for her and went to every house he thought she might have gone to stay. Joseph found her selling herself since she was not sure how long she would be out on the streets. Joseph was amazed to see such a sword swallower in his mists. He watched in awe as she took the mans piece right down to the balls. He began to jerk off into her mouth when out of the corner of her eye she saw Joseph and screamed, What the fuck are you doing here?

At this point, Joseph had forgotten her lie about being a virgin and was just dreaming of her performing that wonderful act on him. Joseph replied, I am your husband and I want you back. The man standing there with a rock hard erection uttered, Can she at least finish for the services I paid her for? Joseph looked at Mary and gave the OK signal, a slight nod of the head. Joseph pretended to walk away while she finished, but couldnt help but rub one out while watching his wife perform such magnificent fellatio. Joseph now had something against Mary to use whenever he wanted her to blow him and she said, No!

While they were out, Mary said she felt the baby start to kick and thought it was time. Joseph thought she was just trying to change the subject and laughed it off. When Mary wouldnt stop moaning and screaming, he knew she wasnt joking. They were near a stable with a manger and decided to post up there until the contractions stopped or she popped the kid out. Three men were passing by and couldnt help but notice what was going on and felt sorry for the man and woman. Mary told them the whole story (or at least the parts she wanted them to hear). The men wanted to scold Joseph for what he did, but Mary implored them not to do so. Joseph asked, Did you hear the first story she told me, about how she got pregnant? The men replied, No.

The three men sat and listened as Mary told the story she came up with and as with any lie, when you have to repeat it, the story may change from each time. Joseph noticed a few areas where her story changed, but also in his anger he missed quite a few more. When Mary was finally done with her babbling, Joseph turned to the three men and asked, Are you buying this shit? The three men looked at each other and then to Mary and Joseph and said, Yes, Yes we do. Mary dubbed them the three wise men at this point, even though they were more like the three stooges. The three men looked at what they were carrying and decided to give them gifts for the newborn child. Since it was for the birth of the savior, they did their best to find suitable gifts. It was written that the gifts were gold, frankincense and myrrh. The true gifts given were much more simplistic then that and included a few silver pieces, a coupon for a free meal at the local eatery in town, and a cheap bottle of wine.

If Mary were to say the Son of God received such shitty gifts, the child and herself would be laughed at. She changed it to the gifts that we are so known for receiving today. The three men agreed that changing the gifts given would be totally OK and went with it. The only problem was, they all wanted to be remembered for the one giving the gift of gold. No one seemed to keen on being the one giving myrrh. Maybe myrrh was the shit at that time, but today, it would baffle someone if you said that you gave the gift of myrrh. Mary began writing down everything she could remember for her son to know when he was old enough. Mary named her son Jesus and one day Christ was added as well. Good old JC.

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