George Saunders - I, TRUMP

I, TRUMP

The Alternate Reality of

Trump-Nation Realized

By Donald J. Trump

(from the Universe next door)

and

George Saunders

George Saunders 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in a book review.

ISBN: 9798715332240

AUTHORS NOTE

DONALD J. TRUMP

(from the next-door Universe)

This memorialization is for my special and beautiful people out there who I love.

To Q look to the number 4. And then 5.

Think Im kidding?

Do it! And be ready. Proud Boys stand at the ready.

Oathkeepers chief defenders of the Faith.

And if I dont spel good sometimes, that dont matter. Speling isnt that important. Its the message.

Imm one of you. Cant tweet no more but Im putting the word out. We tryd to get stolen, but we didnt let that happen.

All real time, my fellow patriots!

MAGA!

iii

AUTHORS NOTE

GEORGE SAUNDERS

It aint original, but January 6, 2021 will be a day that will live in infamy.

On that day, domestic terrorists attacked, stormed, and invaded the nations Capitol with the intent of doing untold harm to both personnel and property. They were told to do this at the behest of Donald J. Trump, President of the United States.

They didnt win in that universe. But in this parallel fucking universe of anything goes Trump prevails again.

Sit back. Enjoy the ride. Donald J. Trump lives!

This book is for 74 million of you out there heres how it played out in the universe right next door and to your liking!

MAGA!! FUCK YEAH!!

iv

CHAPTER ONE

BEACH HEAD

January 6, 2021 By Donald J. TrumpGod Bless them all! The Capitol is being stormed. The Revolution has begun!

Im watching this shit live from the Oval Office my people (my special people) are making a stand, taking up the fight to keep me in power.

Look at that guy with the buffalo horns! I chortle. Fuckin

A, hes got balls!

I look at my coterie of friends here, watching true patriots go to work on the corrupt Capitol. I bet that bitch Pelosi is pissing herself and that closet-queen Pence is clutching his pearls. Well, they deserve to be scared. They fucked with the wrong Marine!

I won this goddamned election and Im not giving up my post without a fight. Sure, this will look like shit on a stick to those fucksticks at CNN and CNBC, but what I have planned will shut them up right quick. Loser cunts.

I look to my phone, blinking now like a cop car siren light.

I pick it up.

Yeah, I said.

Its Harry, sir, the General whose name is coded as Harry the Horse (of Damon Runyan fame) speaks to me in a hushed tone.

Go ahead, Harry, I say.

I, TRUMP

Were good to go on Op Stormfront, he says. And we have incoming to support the freedom fighters. ETA in five minutes.

Helicopters? All the trimmings? I ask, scratching my nuts in excitement (and Ivankas looking super-hot today, daughter mine!)

Choppers, yep. Also, Humvees. We have our boy inside the D.C. police moving personnel into position.

Fine, keep me posted, I say curtly. But lets not have a body count and turn these fuck-sticks into martyrs.

No, sir. We dont want that, Harry the Horse concurs.

Excellent. Make it happen, I snap and hang up the phone.

I turn my attention again to the television. The half-naked dude with the buffalo coon cap and the spear, is howling. This is down-right fun to watch.

My chief of staff, Mark Meadows, comes over and whispers to me. Should we make a statement, sir?

What kind of fuckin statement? I ask.

Well, acknowledging that your supporters shouldnt be, you know, storming the nations capital, Meadows, the mealy-mouthed little prick, mutters.

Horseshit! I say indignantly. Theyre fighting for their country. For their president.

Yes, but the optics dont look good, Meadows presses me, and I want to grab him by the dick and shove it up his cowardly ass.

Screw the optics! These are my people! Theyre taking a fucking stand! Sit down and relax, Mark. Ive got an ace up my sleeve you arent gonna believe! I snarl and then look to my daughter, Ivanka. Shes in a rather revealing one piece dress suit, hem up above her thigh, very sexy. I wink at her and wave her over.

She smiles and heads over to me. I take her by the hand.

Sit on daddys lap, I cajole sweetly.

Dad, I cant, she slaps me playfully.

CHAPTER ONE BEACH HEAD

Why not?

Because my husband is in the room, Ivanka says, nodding Jareds way.

Oh, he wont care. Come on, Ive got a chub going, I wink at her.Youre horrible, Ivanka giggles. Okay, just for a few seconds,

she kisses me on the head and sits on my boner.

Oh, daddy, she giggles. My Wriggles happy to see me?

Oh, yeah, I say, closing my eyes.

Melania should take care of that bad boy for you, she whispers into my ear.

Shes being a cunt, I say miserably, then look to the TV again where my dwindling cabinet watches current events.

My phone rings again. I pick it up. What?

Mr. President, its Kevin McCarthy, the Congressman says.

Yeah, Kevin, what is it?

Listen, Im here in the Capitol. Its bad. Weve got a mob here,

McCarthy sounds out of breath.

Yeah, probably that Antifa crowd, I smile and wink at Ivanka on my little bullshit joke.

No, sir, McCarthy says, panicked. Theyre your supporters.

Yeah?

Yeah. You gotta do something, McCarthy sounds like he wants to girl-cry. Pansy waste-case.

What do you want me to do, Kevin?

Get on the TV, tell them to stop, stand down, go away, whatever. People are in danger here. Pence had to be evacuated,

McCarthy is now panting, as if running.

Im not gonna do anything of the sort, I snort. Let these fuckers burn the place to the ground.

I, TRUMP

Are you kidding? Theyre a mob, criminals, McCarthy is completely out of sorts.

Well, Kevin, maybe these people care more about the election fraud than you do, I snap.

Silence. Then: Who the fuck do you think youre talking to, you fat fuck? McCarthy has the nerve to say.

Who the fuck do I know Im talking to? Ill tell you, you Kike son of a

Im not Jewish, Mr. President, McCarthy seethes.

Well, you Mick prick

Im not Irish either, asshole, McCarthy is really pissing me off now.

What the fuck are you?

Im Scottish Anglo-Saxon, McCarthy bites back.

Well, listen, you kilt-wearing mother-fucker, Ill tell you who Im talking to. Im talking to a fuckin dead guy. Im gonna track you down and have Secret put two slugs in your head. Then Im gonna track down your wife, cut off her head and piss down her fuckin throat

Mr. President?

What, Kevin?

Silence. Then: Im sorry.

Thats more like it, I immediately soften. We all have bad days. Coup days, especially

I love you, McCarthy comes back in a fag-voice.

Still?

More than ever.

How much?

So much.

With a cherry on top?

Yes, sir. Two cherries.

CHAPTER ONE BEACH HEAD