Caleb Roehrig - The Poison Pen

Secrets are like cockroaches: When you spot one, you know there are hundreds more just below the surface. And the town of Riverdale is infested. I would know.

I ve learned a lot just by observing the people here. For example, when Archie and Betty were pretending to hook up as part of their ruse to smoke out Jughead s would-be murderers? It was pretty clear to me that their little spring fling wasn t a total sham. The way they d sneak glances at each other when they thought no one was watching all you had to do was catch the expressions on their faces, and you could read their true feelings like the menu at Pop s.

I don t mean to brag, but I figured out Veronica had something going on with Reggie while her erstwhile boyfriend was busy rotting away in juvie for murder. And Kevin Keller was so obvious about his fling with Moose Mason, back when it was still supposed to be hush-hush, that he might as well have just taken out a full-page ad in the Register to announce that they were sneaking around on the sly.

Some people might call me nosy. (And I guess there s a little truth to that, even if I don t really think of it that way myself.) The simple fact is, in a town like Riverdale? You have to try hard to avoid stumbling over other people s private business. None of us went looking for news about Hiram and Hermione Lodge s collapsing marriage, none of us really wanted updates on Betty Cooper s creepy Silence of the Lambs relationship with her father, and we didn t ask Cheryl Blossom to give us all a minute-by-minute update of her romance with Toni Topaz. But we got all of it, anyway, just the same.

How can a person be considered nosy when the secrets in this town practically go looking for us , rather than the other way around? Honestly, minding your own business is a full-time job in Riverdale. And I ve got too much to do as it is.

Recently, I learned something particularly juicy something I was definitely not supposed to know. I spotted one of those pesky little cockroaches, and before I could even think twice, I was flipping over the proverbial rock and finding dozens more. To tell you the truth, it made me sick.

And then it made me mad.

Maybe Riverdale has never been the perfect little greeting-card town people like to pretend it is, but I m sick of wading knee-deep in metaphorical cockroaches.

So I guess you could say I ve appointed myself our little hamlet s own personal exterminator. Too many beautiful people are keeping too many ugly things hidden, and I m done being a silent witness to it all. So grab your sunglasses, kids, because I m shining a great big light into this town s dark corners, and what comes out might shock you

Poison Pen

Summers in Riverdale can be positively beastlysticky as maple syrup, and not nearly as sweet. Lucky for me, the Five Seasons Hotel has particularly robust central air, and the suite that housed the Maple Club was as crisp as an October afternoon. I was also fortunate that the Maple Girls were willing to put in diligent labor right up to the last minute to prepare for that evenings event. The room bustled with activity as we all bundled party favors, hand-lettered place cards, and decorated personalized flasks of rum.

I have to hand it to you, Veronica, Cheryl Blossom said graciously, tossing her red hair over her shoulder as she admired the embossed cream-and-silver card stock of the invitations Id designed. With only three weeks to plan it, youve managed to put together an event that looks like you had well, lets say at least four weeks.

Thank you so much. My tone was drybut the fact is, this backhanded praise was about as undiluted as compliments got when they came from Cheryl Blossom. Flattery will get you nowhere.

Dont listen to her. This was Toni Topaz, Cheryls girlfriend. Her pink hair held back by a patterned headband, she was carefully filling out a sheet of blank labels with a calligraphy pen. In three weeks, you wrangled together ice sculptures, celebrity guests, a chef flown in from actual France to prepare the hors doeuvres, got a mixologist from the 21 Club to design an original cocktail named after the bride-to-be and youre using it as an opportunity to promote Red Raven Rum? Not many people could pull this off.

Thank you, I repeated, a bit more sincerely. This was the kind of appreciation I deserved for all the headaches Id suffered over the past month. And Id suffered plenty.

Even if the marriage is totally doomed, and we all know it is, and I feel like some kind of vulture filling out these labels right now, she added under her breath.

And there it was. I let out a defeated sigh and sank deeper into my seat, banging the keys of my laptop a little more aggressively, scrolling once more through a slideshow presentation that would be one of the evenings pivotal moments. Wishing I could disappear into my computer for good.

Listen, ladies, weve been over this and over this, and over this so lets just drop it, okay?

Cheryl reached out and gave her girlfriends hand an affectionate squeeze. All TeeTee means, Veronica, is that because this young couple is heading for the kind of dramatic crash and burn you see in Michael Bay disaster movies, capitalizing on their engagement feels a little bit crass. Thats all.

Thank you for interpreting, Cheryl, but I picked up on that. Letting out a louder and more exasperated sigh, I gave up on the slideshow and massaged my temples. Look. When Pernilla approached me about hosting her engagement party, I didnt ask questions before saying yes. The Pendergasts are a political dynasty, and I knew the guest list this guest list, I noted emphatically, scooping up the roster of names from a pile beside me, would be a whos who of influencers and tastemakers around the world. I didnt know the details until Id already made a commitment. And by that time, I couldnt exactly back out without an explanation, could I?

I fixed the both of them with a meaningful glare. They understood me. We all knew the Pendergast-Huxley marriage was doomed, and why, even if we could never say so aloud. It was knowledge we werent supposed to have, for one thing, and those of us involved had even gone so far as to swear an oath never to speak of it again. For many reasons, I had no intention of violating our pactbut especially not with sensitive ears present. Glancing up, I caught Penelope Blossom watching me from a corner of the room, as if she could read my thoughts, and I shivered. We had wanted her where we could keep her in our sights, but her constant presence in the club was unnerving.

I could still call the event off, of course, with no explanation at allbut it would bring ruination down on our names, and wed worked too hard for that. I had volunteered to provide a hundred and fifty personalized flasks of Red Raven Rum, labeled and numbered by hand, as favors for all the guests of our grand soiree. No matter what disasters befell the couple of the evening, Cheryl and I would emerge from the debacle a great success as both event planners and mavens of the social scene. I would accept no other outcome.