Bloomquist Ryan - Riverdish: the unauthorized case files of Riverdale

Contents

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This book is not authorized, sponsored, or otherwise approved by Archie Comics or any other person or entity owning or controlling any rights to the Riverdale name, trademarks, or copyrights. Riverdale is a registered trademark of Archie Comic Publications, Inc.

RIVERDISH . Copyright 2019 by Ryan Bloomquist & Samantha Gold. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Cover design by Owen Corrigan

Cover photographs BARRI12/iStock/Getty Images (milkshake); baibaz/Shutterstock (straw)

Title page milkshake image: bestv/Shutterstock, Inc.

FIRST EDITION

Digital Edition MAY 2019 ISBN: 978-0-06-290843-8

Version 04192019

Print ISBN: 978-0-06-290842-1

FOR NANA ROSE

Contents

H ey, River Vixens! Its Ryan and Sam, your hosts of Riverdish, coming at you in print! Since season one of Riverdale, we have gathered around a microphone with our friends and copious amounts of wine to discuss the goings-on in the crazy world of Riverdale. We have tried Jingle Jangle, threatened each other with sticky maples, and fangirled over the gay icon that is Nana Rose.

It all started one fateful Sunday afternoon when we sat down for a boozy brunch at Joanne Trattoria.

Yes, Lady Gagas parents restaurant. And no, she was not there. We were upset as well.

Now, not to turn this book into a Yelp review, but you could say that our service that afternoon was worse than the Jewels N Drugs track on Artpop. What should have been an hour-long meal eventually lasted three and inevitably led to us having one too many pitchers of mimosas.

Throughout our brunch, we could not stop chatting about the pilot we had watched for a new CW show called Riverdale. Wed both grown up obsessed with shows like Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl, so the pilot had everything that we looked for in a television showi.e., sexy teens and murder. With the help of some liquid courage and the microphone Ryan had recently purchased for his audition self-tapes, as well as the deep belief that there were others out there in the world who would have an interest in hearing what we had to say about this show, we went home that afternoon and pressed record, and Riverdish was born. Narcissism knows no bounds after multiple mimosa pitchers.

To be completely candid, when we recorded our first episode, Ryan had no idea that Riverdale was even based off a comic book series. Sam, being the good Jewish girl from Long Island that she is, had a vague recollection of the comic books from her summers spent at sleep-away camp. But neither of us would have considered ourselves massive Archie fans. How quickly that would change!

Before we knew it, this television show had consumed our lives. Our text conversations began to read like Law & Order scripts, as we desperately tried to parse out who murdered Jason Blossom. Every night, we would fall down rabbit holes, scouring the dark corners of the internet, reading every fan theory ever written about the show. We followed the cast on all their social media channels, hungry for any and all content concerning Riverdale. Thankfully for the sliver of our sanity that remains, it turned out that we were far from alone.

After its premiere, Riverdale very quickly became the leading network show among viewers ages eighteen to forty-nine. While the first season had a steady following, the network saw impressive spikes when the shows viewership grew more than 30 percent after launching on Netflix. When season two premiered, the demo rating and viewers more than doubled from the viewers who had watched the season one finale. More than 2.3 million viewers tuned in to the season two premiere alone!

Just as they had been for generations before us, the characters of Archie Andrews, Betty Cooper, Jughead Jones, and Veronica Lodge were once again at the forefront of popular culture. For Ryan, it is one of the few shows besides CBS Sunday Morning that he can actually talk about with his grandmother!

Yes, he is a devoted Sunday Morning fan.

Understandably, he does lose her slightly when he starts to discuss the serial killers and drug problems plaguing our favorite teens. Through Riverdale, our generation has been reintroduced to these iconic characters in a way in which they have never been portrayed before.

Now, as much as we adore this show, one thing that has always struck us about Riverdale is how incompetent the town law enforcement seems to be. No disrespect to Tom Keller, of course. We mean... have you seen his body? He could lock us up and we would thank him. But there is something so irresponsible about leaving the task of solving multiple homicides in the hands of teenagers who should be focused on school. Having traded so many theories back and forth about who is guilty of what, we have taken it upon ourselves to piece together the unofficial but essential crime files of Riverdale.

We suppose you could say that we were inspired by the detective skills of Jughead and Betty. Or maybe we were just jealous that they were living out the Scooby-Doo meets True Detective fantasy that we have always dreamed of. Perhaps this explains our obsession with escape rooms!

One time we were in an escape room that actually caught on fire! Being two theatrical people, we naturally assumed that the smoke pouring in from the outside door was all part of the room and were very impressed by the production values. By the grace of Nana Rose, we managed to escape just in time for the room supervisor to realize that we should escape the building. And that, our friends, is how you almost lost your Riverdish hosts.

If there is one thing that the history of Riverdale has shown us, it is that no one is innocent and that behind even the friendliest faces lie sinister aspirations.

Along with character profiles, we also have genuine photos from the scenes of some of Riverdales most heinous crimes. Oh no, we are not just wannabe detectives trying to piece together these crimes while sitting at home! Our task of uncovering the truth behind the seedy underbelly of this town inspired us to pack up our suitcases and take a trip to the one and only Riverdale.