Karen Bischer - The Secret Recipe for Moving On

Some of my best decisions have been the spur-of-the-moment kind:

• Stopping at Kennys Ice Cream Palace between work and home and being the ten thousandth customer and getting free cones for the rest of the summer.
• Not getting on that Six Flags roller coaster just before it got stuck and no one could get off for two hours.
• Going to that college fair and meeting my boyfriend.
• Finally sleeping with him.

Well, okay, in three weeks, anyway.

I just made that decision while sitting on the beach next to Lake Newman, and feel very secure in it.

Now I just have to tell my boyfriend.

Were surrounded by friends, so I need to get him alone. Unfortunately, Hunter and his friend Steve are listening intently to Steves phone, trying to pick out new songs that will fit in their a cappella groups repertoire.

But maybe Hunter isnt concentrating too hard, because he was just kind of weirdly staring at Brynn Potts as she slathered sunscreen on her arms and legs.

Earlier, when Id swum across the lake and stopped to catch my breath, Id turned just in time to see him pick up a squealing Brynn and toss her in the lake, which wouldnt have been a big deal if 1) Brynn wasnt wearing a skimpy bikini and 2) Brynn hadnt popped out of the water and chased after Hunter, the two of them giggling like crazy.

A nagging feeling of what I assume is some kind of biological Hey, thats my man territorialism suddenly forced me to think about whether I was finally ready for condom-purchasing and the ensuing nakedness after all.

So I stride over to Hunter, sticking my shoulders back, and hope I look just as hypnotizing in my purple-striped one-piece.

Hey, I say, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Whats up, babe? he asks, his eyes closed. Hes feeling the music, as he likes to say.

Want to join me for a walk?

Uh, maybe in a few minutes, he says.

But in a few minutes, Brynn will probably be sitting on his lap, and even the idea of that sends a weird spasm of urgency up my spine, so I squeeze his shoulder, a silent way of letting him know I need to talk to him.

But he doesnt get it. I feel like Hunter and I havent been in sync much lately, mostly because weve barely seen each other the past couple of weeks.

Id really like to talk to you about something, I say, and that seems to catch Brynns attention, because she turns around, shades her eyes, and gives me a smile.

Uh, okay, Hunter finally says as he takes the earbud out of his ear.

I wait for him to pull on his sneakers and T-shirt and try not to be bothered that he seems a little annoyed by this interruption. I comfort myself by thinking about how excited hell be when I tell him Im finally ready to sleep with him. The possibility of sex kind of trumps music at this point.

We follow the path away from the beach to the top of the small cliff overlooking the lake. Hes silent for most of the walk until we get to the top of the cliff, when he asks, So, whats up?

My palms start to sweat. Is everything okay between us?

Hunter cocks his head. Okay? What do you mean?

Youre imagining the weirdness. Awesome, Mary Ellen. But I plow on. I just feel like youve been a little distant the last week or so.

Hunter rolls his eyes and puts his hands on my shoulders. Ive been so wrapped up in getting the Ringtones setlist together, Ive been ignoring you, havent I?

So were cool?

Yes, and Im sorry. And I want to find a way to make it up to you.

Relief floods me and I smile. Well, Ive been thinking. You know how our camping trip is coming up?

Hunter slaps his hand to his forehead. Oh, crap, I still have to buy a tent.

I try not to seem ruffled by this. Theyre on sale at The Sporting Zone. Maybe we can go there later this week.

He nods. Yeah, sure.

Thats when Steve and some of the others on the beach start yelling up at us, Jump! Jump! Jump!

Even if my priority werent to drop this sex bombshell on my boyfriend, Id still have no desire to jump right now. For one thing, Im wearing my shoes, and my biggest pet peeve is having wet feet and not being able to take your shoes off. Second, Im wearing the semi-pricey eyeglasses that I accidently tried on before seeing how much they cost, but my mom insisted on paying for (Youve worked so hard this summer and they look great on you; let me treat you, shed said), even though I think shes had to bring lunch to work for the last three weeks as a result. I felt guilty enough letting her buy them given our familys current financial stateI dont even want to know how Id feel if I lost them by jackknifing into Lake Newman.

Hunter just waves at everyone like hes a politician or something.

I cant hold it in anymore. I think we should do it that night.

What night? Ive got rehearsal every day this week.

He still thinks were talking about The Sporting Zone.

No, I mean do it. When were camping. Have sex.

Hunter looks confused. In the tent?

Now, Im a little thrown. I was expecting him to smile dazzlingly and be like, No way! like the time his parents surprised him with Devils tickets. I mean, he doesnt even like hockey, but hes wanted to sleep with me for at least eight months now.

I try to force a laugh. Of course in the tent!

Hunter sticks his hands in his pockets and stares at the ground. Oh I just because you were so

I know he wants to say picky.

cautious before, I didnt think youd want to do it, like, in the woods.

I cant help it when a feeling of angst swells inside me. When Id put off all of his previous attempts at having sex, Id stopped because it didnt feel right doing it in his sweaty-sock-smelling room with his gerbils watching us from their cage. My room wasnt an option because I have a really narrow twin bed. It didnt feel right doing it in our parents beds because thats gross. And the backseat of a car just isnt romantic. But most of all, I knew once you had sex you couldnt undo it.

All those times Id said no, I didnt feel guilty because my mother, Teen Vogue, health class teachers were always like, Wait until youre ready. It felt okay saying no. But when it feels like every other girl is saying yes and your boyfriend is aware of that?

Yeah, there are times when it feels like Im in some remedial sex zone, like Ive been left back three grades and everyone else is on the AP track, graduating early and with full sex honors.

I think it will be romantic, I finally say. No one around except us, nature, and the elements.

This seems to bring him back into the moment. Youd better use those forecasting skills of yours and pray it doesnt rain, he says, smiling.