Hamish Macdonald - Idea in Stone

Idea in Stone

Hamish MacDonald

Idea in Stone

MacDonald, Alistair Hamish

British Cataloguing in Publication Data:

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 1-59971-490-6

2010 Hamish MacDonald

Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 UK: Scotland

No, notis no laughing matter; little by little, whatever your wishes may be, you will destroy and undermine, until nothing of what makes Scotland Scotland shall remain.

- John Gibson Lockhard,

Memoirs of Sir Walter Scott

One

Cargo Cult

Next.

Stefan approached the counter and placed his book face-down, sliding it toward the checkout clerk like a ransom note. The young clerk in a Book Block apron waved a beige gun over the books barcode. The till emitted a bleep and showed the price in blue. How will you be paying for this?

Stefan handed his debit card to the clerk, his thumb over his name until he had to let go. The clerk swiped the card and handed it back. With a sigh, Stefan reached for it.

Hey, said the clerk, taking a second look at the card, youve got the same last name as that cow whos always on TV. God, I hate her. The CBC rolls her ass out on stage every chance they get. Did you see that show on Sunday night? What was it? Down on the Reservation with Delonia Mackechnie for Remembrance Day? Ive heard shes not really even Indian. Shes like this weird ugly dyke giraffe. I cant wait till shes dead so I can stop seeing those stupid shows.

Stefan took back his card. The clerk picked up the book to put it in a Book Block bag. He glanced at the title: Selfness: A Workbook for Adult Children of Famous People.

Oh, said the clerk, sorry.

Stefan left the shop, pausing briefly at the door to stuff the book into a waste-bin.

~

Stefan shut the door behind him and put his house-key into the pocket of his heavy jacket. He raised his nose to the air: Shes home . The scent of ylang-ylang gave away Delonias presence. Perhaps, he thought, he could make it to his room.

Halfway through the dining room he paused. His mother stood there in one of the trademark outfits custom-made to suit not just her predilection for wild colours but her unusual height, too. The dress matched the bright blues and yellows of the tropical fish in the aquarium behind her. But someone else was with her, a young man with one arm sunk up to the shoulder in the tank. Delonia heard Stefan and turned around.

Stefan! Im glad youre home, she said with a big smile. Her top teeth protruded like the cow-catcher of an old train. His mother had a weight of presence, a charisma, but she was not pretty, and it hurt him every time he noticed. As a public figure, she was often projected and stretched and illuminated, adding to the effect. Other people liked her well enough, at least those who admitted to buying her records and watching her specials, so why should her looks matter? This particular smile, though, he knew this one, the up-to-no-good smile.

Stefan, this is Tyler, she said, gesturing to the young man, who turned and extended his hand to shake Stefans, then laughed and took it back when he noticed it was wet with dirty fish tank water. His smile flattened Stefan: wide, with teeth so white they verged on blue. His hair and eyes were dark, his wet arm thicker and more developed than Stefan could ever hope his might be, as if this mesomorph were a whole other species.

I met Tyler when he was cleaning the Jacksons aquarium down the street, and you know what a state ours is in. She turned to Tyler. Stefan wont even touch it when it gets like this. Oh, look, your shirts all wet with that filthy water. Stefan, take him downstairs, give him one of your shirts, and put his in the dryer.

Mom!

What? Youre both boys. You look like youre about the same age, too. Stefan is thirty-tw

Excuse us, Tyler, said Stefan, pulling his mother by the arm toward the kitchen. He closed the door behind him and spoke in a strained whisper: Mom, stop it. I know what youre trying to do, and I want you to stop it.

But Stefan, did you get a look at him? He stepped off the pages of one of those magazines.

Yeah, but I dont buy those magazines, do I? Besides, people like him arent interested in people like me.

How do you know that?

Look, Mom, people just dont like me that way.

She put a hand softly against his face. Stefan, I just want you to be happy. She moved her hand to his stomach as if examining for something. Youve got so much vexation inside you. If you met someone nice then maybe all that would settle down. I didnt mean to upset you.

He smiled at her. Its okay, I dont mind. He probably doesnt like men anyway.

Oh, no, he does. Sue Jackson asked him.

Ugh. That doesnt help. Okay, Im going to get him a shirt, said Stefan, heading for the basement.

A minute later, Stefan heard unfamiliar steps on the stairs, and the aquarium cleaner poked his head through the door, his arms on the door-frame. Hi, he said, its okay, I dont need a shirt. Im going straight home after this, so I can change there.

Stefan nodded, then laughed nervously. Im sorry about that, he said. Every once in a while Mom does this romantic hunter-gatherer thing. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable. Despite himself, he noticed he was trying to do his favourite attractive-guy look from the mirror.

Its okay, said Tyler, youd be surprised how often it comes up with this job. You know that Mrs. Jackson? Well, all Ill say is that shes got big tits. They laughed, then Tyler tapped the doorframe, smiled, and left.

Stefan sat down on his bed and sighed. This was familiar, this thing he called The Pain of Never. Why, he wondered, does beauty hurt to look at? The feeling wasnt loneliness; more like a cousin to it. But sometimes loneliness came along for the ride, and together they ran him down.

He stared at the ceiling, hearing his mother walk Tyler to the door, then creak about, on to some other task. He had things under control and was happy being singlewhy did she have to stir it all up again? He closed his eyes and imagined the house upside-down, with him pinned to the ceiling in his bed, and her walking upside down on the other side of his floor. With one mental shake she fell loose. He kept shaking the house until she dropped out the chimney.

~

Stefan woke up an hour later, stuck in the stupefaction of a mid-afternoon nap. He gradually recalled who and where he was, but lay in bed a while longer to avoid the responsibility of deciding what to do with the rest of his day. He remembered a new CD that was supposed to be released that week and made it his mission to find it. He looked to his right, where thousands of plastic jewel-case spines covered the entire wall. Hed have to shuffle them all around to make space for this addition.

He bounced himself out of bed, grabbed a CD, and bounded up the stairs. He passed the living room, where Delonia sat at the piano with her bifocals, a pen, and sheets of music paper. Where are you going? she called as he flashed past the rooms archway.

Out, he replied, poking his head back around the corner. I remembered something I need.

Need or want? she chided. Stefan rolled his eyes. Alright, but Cerise is going to be by this afternoon to move her things in, and I think it would be nice if you were here.

Okay, Ill try to make it back, he said, heading out the door. As he walked, his mind filled in variations on the rest of what he wanted to say. Because I wouldnt want to miss seeing my mothers girlfriend move into my parents house. Because Id hate for something heavy to drop on one of her cats. Because if Im really lucky youll crack some innuendo-laced joke to her thatll make me picture you two naked together.

Leaves clung to the trees overhead, strangely green for a November day. Stefan pulled the headphones from his jacket pocket and listened to the CD he brought, the previous album by Microchimps. He loved them, though there was something unfulfilling about listening to it when he knew there was a newer album out there. His lips moved slightly with the music, and he unconsciously adjusted the inner workings of his throat to mimic the singers style. He looked around, saw that there was no one within earshot of him, and sang quietly to himself.