Prachi Gangwani - Dear Men: Masculinity and Modern Love in #MeToo India

DEAR
MEN

DEAR
MEN

MASCULINITY AND MODERN
LOVE IN #METOO INDIA

PRACHI
GANGWANI

BLOOMSBURY INDIA

Bloomsbury Publishing India Pvt. Ltd

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First published in India 2021

This edition published 2021

Copyright Prachi Gangwani

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ISBN: PB: 978-93-90077-32-8; eBook: 978-93-90077-34-2

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To all the men who broke womens hearts. Without you, there would be no need for a book like this.

CONTENTS

A S THE SEX AND relationships writer for a leading womens lifestyle magazine, Id often strike conversations about dating, sex, love and marriage with my colleagues. The magazine catered to young women with a focus on heterosexual relationships. Thus, my questions, too, then were mostly to heterosexual women. For example:

Me: Whats the worst date youve been on?

Colleague one, while staring at her laptop: The one where the guy didnt show up only. Ha ha.

Colleague two *leans back into her chair and uses this question as a prompt for an untimely break*: Hmmthere was this one guy who just refused to leave. I met him for coffee, and I wasnt into him. So, I told him I had to leave because I had to meet some friends. He tagged along! I had to sit at some random caf and pretend my friends were running late.

Heres another example:

Me: Whats the weirdest thing a guy has ever said to you?

Colleague one *laughs to herself before answering while staring at the laptop*: My ex did it better, while I was necking him.

We stopped what we were doing and turned to her. It was their second date. A third didnt happen, obviously. She didnt care.

Heres another:

Me: What would you change about your boyfriend?

This question, as it became apparent, required undivided attention. My colleagues were all women, save for one who would chime in every now and then with, Really? Women dont like that? When a conversation about relationships necessitated a huddle in the middle of the bay, he would awkwardly plug in his headphones and pretend we werent there.

Colleague one: He never wants to go anywhere with me. Im friends with all his friends, but he makes no effort with my friends.

Colleague two: Yeah, mine too. And hes so awkward around my family! Weve been dating for years now, and he still keeps his distance from them.

Colleague one: Oh, and hes still friends with all his exes. I dont get that.

Colleague two: I think men in general just have a problem communicating. My boyfriend replies in monosyllables, and it drives me crazy. I get so annoyed.

Colleague one: Yeah, and conversation is sometimes so superficial. To him, everything is just okay. Like, nothing bothers him and that makes me feel like I cant talk to him about the things that bother me.

Colleague three: This is why I dont want a boyfriend. Not worth it.

Colleague three had had several dates in the past few months that didnt go anywhere. Some men ghosted her, some wanted to hook up with her but remain just friends. One guy she went on a few dates with told her he was going on a vacation with some of his friends and returned engaged to his long-term girlfriend.

Id have similar conversations with other groups of women friends from college, friends of friends, strangers in ladies washrooms pining over some guy whod broken their heart. There is a lot of heartbreak among women, I realized, at the hands of men.

A year in, I decided that we needed a dating guide for men. Thats how this book began. I already knew the kind of struggles women faced in relationships. I wanted to know what the other sex was going through. Were they confused about the rules of dating and relationships? Did they have any questions about dating that I could possibly address through this guide?

Promptly, I made a WhatsApp group that included 13 male friends and acquaintances. I started asking them questions: Did they think it was okay to ghost a woman? What kind of expectations did they think their girlfriends had of them? And they of their girlfriends? How did they deal with exes? Did they judge a woman based on the way she dressed? Whom did they think should pick up the tab on a date? Did they think a date was a go ahead for sex? I also started these conversations on social media (Instagram and Facebook), asking men to share their experiences. Both men and women responded to my questions. Over the course of nearly three years, I spoke to 71 men and 23 women about love and gender. While not all conversations have been included in the book, each one has informed the narrative. Also, while some of the learnings and observations in the book apply to both men and women, exploring the nuances for women is beyond the scope of this book, since this book is about masculinity and modern love, and has been excluded.

I have to say, I wasnt prepared for the kind of candour men brought to the table.

When I started having these conversations with men, I realized that a dating guide written by a woman for men would gather dust, not readers. More importantly, it defeated the purpose of this book. I wanted the book to redefine the role men play in romantic relationships and dos and donts wouldnt achieve it.

In the last few decades, the womens movement has gained momentum. In 2015, college students filed a petition to make hostel and paying guest (PG) accommodations less restrictive for women. Rightly named Pinjra Tod (meaning break the cage), this movement aimed to challenge the belief that women need to be protected.

Gulabi Gang, unofficially headquartered in Badausa in Uttar Pradesh, is a good example of the gnawing gap between law and culture. In India, cultural beliefs take precedence over the laws. While domestic violence was criminalized in the year 2005, it still exists.

All this while, men have been on the periphery of this gender revolution. While women have been breaking out of the mould of the patriarchy-prescribed idea of being feminine, and redefining what it means to be a woman, men have only begun to question the Man Box. The Man Box is a term used for a set of rigid expectations and traits attributed to men. It reinforces a hegemonic definition of masculinity and promotes a sense of superiority to other gender groups, as well as superiority of some men over others. It leads to emotional suppression, misogyny and homophobia in men. Behaviours encouraged in this definition of masculinity include high risk-taking, being in a position of power over others, being in competition with other men, defining success based on money, and suppressing weak or feminine emotions such as sadness and fear.