Michael McLean - Fairy Tale Christmas

2014 Michael McLean and Scott McLean.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the publisher, Shadow Mountain. The views expressed herein are the responsibility of the author and do not necessarily represent the position of Shadow Mountain.

Art direction by Richard Erickson Design by Sheryl Dickert Smith

Text 2014 Michael McLean and Scott McLean Illustrations 2014 Jason Quinn Song lyrics 2014 Shining Star Music (ASCAP)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the publisher, Shadow Mountain, at permissions@shadowmountain.com. The views expressed herein are the responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily represent the position of Shadow Mountain.

All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

McLean, Michael, 1952 author.

Fairy tale Christmas / Michael McLean and Scott McLean.

pages cm

Summary: When the Fairy Tale Villains kidnap Santa Claus, the Fairy Tale Heroes must decide if they will sacrifice their happiness so that Santa can bring Christmas to all the children of the world.

ISBN 978-1-60907-930-7 (hardbound : alk. paper)

1. Santa ClausJuvenile fiction. [1. Santa ClausFiction. 2. Fairy talesFiction. 3. Characters in literatureFiction. 4. Humorous stories.] I. McLean, Scott (M. Scott) author. II. Title.

PZ7.M4786995Fai 2014

[Fic]dc232014019047

Printed in the United States of America

Publishers Printing

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For Bucky and Sadie

Just past the breath

Where it seems like it ends

Is precisely the place

Where a new one begins

Chapter 1

The Abominable Stew

Once upon a Christmastime, just a few bedtime stories before Christmas Eve, and long after every happily ever after ending, a clandestine meeting was being held. Of course, youd expect such a meeting to be undercover, underhanded, sneaky, and dishonorable, but thats not why it was called a clandestine meeting. Before this meeting, at the annual Long Ago Island Job Fair for disenchanted fairy-tale villains seeking new employment, a bossy stepmother, a hungry Giant, a vengeful six-foot Fairy Queen, a self-absorbed Drama Queen, and a creepy little schemer with a truly bizarre name decided to skip the job fair altogether and call themselves The Clandestines. They did this partly because all of them were, in fact, underhanded, sneaky, and dishonorable, but it was mostly because The Clandestines made for a much better sounding name than Evil Fairy Tale Villains. And The Temptations had already been taken.

On this, their first official gathering of the winter solstice, they all arrived at the Abominable Snowman Caf, a sketchy little dive carved out of a barren copper mine on the outskirts of the North Pole. Owned and operated by a grumpy old prospector named Barnaby Tundra T. White and infamous for a rancid herbal tonic he brewed himself called Tundra Ts Thistleweed Tea. Barnaby was so convinced it contained healthy properties that he insisted on adding it to every recipeeven though it made everything taste disgusting. So the caf was a terribly unpopular place to visit, but that only made it the perfect place for the Clandestines to meet. No one with any inclination to do anything good had ever visited the caf. And thats why it was one of the few places left in the world where fairy-tale villains like the Clandestines could still disappear.

One by one they burst through the doors of the caf wearing their matching black leather jackets with The Clandestines etched in bold lettering across the front. Medoza, the vengeful Fairy Queen, who had designed the jackets herself, took pride in how intimidating they all looked together. She had also made a special set of clothes for their creepy little schemer, who was spying on Santas workshop and gathering intelligence for a very clandestine operation.

Rumpelstiltskin, however, did not feel intimidating when he walked into the caf wearing his jacket: a traditional elves workshop gold-button blazer with puffy white collar and cuffs. His red velvet pants ended at his knees, where a pair of red-and-green stockings disappeared into little brown slippers that curled at the toe. And if that wasnt bad enough, hanging from the tips of his slippers were two tiny bells that jingled happily with every step. It was enough to drive anyone mad.

Hey, Rump. Whats the word? Snow Whites dangerously vain Drama Queen asked.

Dont call me that, the little man snapped as he adjusted the fur cap on his head. I hate it when you call me that.

I thought you hated being called Stiltskin, Cinderellas wicked stepmother, Agatha, said.

I hate that, too. Just call me Goldman. Twisting around in his chair, he called for a waiter. Hey! Is anyone going to take our order, or do we have to cook it ourselves?

From a nearby table, old Barnaby White (who, in addition to being a terrible cook, was also the only waiter in the place, which only contributed to the cafs abysmally slow and short-tempered service) spitefully walked over to take their order.

This better not be on separate checks, Barnaby growled.

Its not, said Medoza. Give it to him. She pointed at Goldman.

What? Wait! Why me?

Because youre the one who can turn straw into gold, she snapped. Its not like any of us are working right now. The others nodded in agreement.

Fine, Goldman growled. Hows the stew?

Abominable, said Barnaby matter-of-factly.

Just how we like it, the Drama Queen said gleefully as all the Clandestines cackled in unison. Well, everyone cackled except the dim-witted Giant, who had the smallest brain in the room but somehow possessed a much more discerning palate than everyone else.

Do you have any Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum sauce? the Giant asked. Perched on two stoolsone for each half of his ginormous backsidehe barely fit beneath the cafs ceiling.

Red or green? Barnaby asked.

Red, like the blood of an Englishman. The Giant laughed at himself.

Yeah, like I havent heard that one before, Barnaby said rudely. He belched, scratched his beard and his backside, and sluggishly made his way back to the kitchen to fetch their stew and a bottle of red Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum sauce. In the meantime, the Clandestines got down to the real business of their meeting: plotting revenge.

For years, they had all been searching for a way to change the endings of their stories. They were tired of good always triumphing over evil. They were sick to death of love conquering all. Theyd had it up to their eyeballs with happy endings. Things needed to change, and they were bound and determined to make it happen at any cost.

The problem was, only heroes were awarded the endings of the stories. And once the stories were told, only the heroes could change the endings, or give them away. And they had to be given; they could never be taken. Somehow the Clandestines had to entice the fairy-tale heroes to willingly give up the endings of their stories, a feat believed to be impossible. That is, until now.

So what do you have for us, Goldie? Agatha asked.

Goldman. Its Goldman. Not Goldie. He gritted his teeth so hard it was a wonder they didnt crack.

Okay, okay. Goldman