David Teague - Henry Cicadas Extraordinary Elktonium Escapade

T here was one thing Henry Cicada wanted more than anything else in the world. More than he wanted to change history with an outrageously brilliant scientific discovery (which his mother, Melissa, had come pretty close to doing, sort of, according to some people). More than he wanted to save a school bus full of children from plunging into a lake, more than he wanted to rescue courageous explorers trapped amid unknown dimensions of space and time, more than he wanted to defend the president from kidnappers and become a hero, yes, a hero, with freeways named after him.

What Henry wanted more than any of that, at precisely 8:00 a.m. on the first Tuesday after Labor Day, was to turn the knob on the front door of his house and sneak out to launch a quest for something of truly monumental importance: He wanted to be ordinary. Innocuous. Inconspicuous. Just plain plain.

Time for Henry to be going.

But first, he checked over his shoulder.

For you see, if Henrys dad caught him before he cleared out of 339 Bill Street for the day, ordinariness was not what hed achieve. Itd be the opposite: notoriety. And burdened by notoriety, Henry would never fulfill his dream, which was to become an entirely new person, a plain one, so plain that hed never stick out, never attract attention, never do anything remarkable or noteworthy ever again.

So intent on his quest was Henry that he stumbled over a small mound of his fathers discarded, outmoded, obsolete, derelict, and downright ill-advised inventions, which scattered with a dull racket. Yikes! Had his dad heard?

Useless devices like these, every one made of Elktonium, an extremely rare and strangely glimmering metal, were stowed all over the house. They lurked in the closets, the spare shower, the garage, the attic, you name it. Now they had overflowed into the hall. Henry and his dad tripped over the contraptions all day long, and dodged them as they plunged off high shelves, and never once considered taking them to the dump, where they belonged.

As the clatter of falling Elktonium died away, Henry cringed, really, really hoping his dad had already gotten busy working in the basement and become, as usual, totally oblivious to everything else. He waited. He listened. The sound of faintly humming machinery emanated from beneath the floorboards. Nothing more.

Henry pushed the front door open six inches, holding his breath as it groaned, and he eased into the yard, lugging his book bag by the straps. Birds sang. The sun shone. A fresh breeze blew. Henry checked over his shoulder one last time. All clear. Hed made it! Heaving a sigh of relief, Henry turned to greet the brand-new day. And ran smack into his fathers navel. Henrys dad was six foot five. Henry! said Henrys father, whose name was Phil. I made a present for you! Out of Elktonium! To celebrate the first day at your new school!

Oh, said Henry to himself, no.

But Phil had brought up an excellent point: it was the first day at Henrys new school. So if he intended to achieve glorious ordinariness, avoid notoriety, attain the dream, and all that, this was basically his only chance. Which was why hed wanted to get out of the house undetected. Because the last thing Henry wanted to drag to sixth grade was another of his fathers crackpot Elktonium gadgets, something hed inevitably have to unveil at lunch, like his Elktonium lunch box; uncrate in the band room, like his Elktonium trumpet; use to calculate the hypotenuse in geometry, like his Elktonium triangulator; wear on his nose, like his Elktonium eyeglasses; or otherwise deploy embarrassingly.

Henry said, Oh. Dad. Well... He didnt want to hurt his fathers feelings. But he was on a quest. To be plain. So he had to say it. Maybe I could have my present after school?

Completely ignoring Henrys suggestion and what it implied (namely, that Henry wasnt exactly crazy about his presents), Henrys father shouted, Shoes! whereupon he produced the aforementioned articles from behind his back. Henry had never seen such ugly footgear in his life. I made them myself, by staying up late at night in the basement, said his father. He beamed at his monstrous creations, which kind of shimmered in the morning sunlight. Theyre made of one hundred percent, highest quality, unadulterated

Elktonium, said Henry glumly.

Did I already mention that? asked his dad.

Yes, said Henry.

Now, in Henrys eyes, Elktonium was the emblem of every misfortune to have befallen him in his young life. Elktonium was the spring from which the trouble flowed. Elktonium, if you asked Henry, was the root of all evil.

Elktonium was a new metal, the first new metal in many years, an element on the periodic table down at the end where most scientists are scared to go. Henrys mother had ingeniously synthesized it and cleverly stabilized it to quash any pesky radioactivity and named it after her hometown: Elkton, Maryland. The fact was, Henrys mother had been something of a bold genius. Shed been Professor of Phenomenal Phenomenology at the prestigious Lookings Institute of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the most important scientific laboratory in the country. Unfortunately, because of Elktonium, Melissas legacy as a brilliant scientist was now in decline, because apart from being the first new metal in many years, Elktonium had turned out to be pretty much worthless. It was three times heavier than lead, had an odd odor (kind of like tropical Mr. Clean), and was about as strong as heavy-duty Saran Wrap. It dissolved in lemonade, and dogs were slightly afraid of it. The one nice attribute of Elktonium was that it sometimes shimmered the same iridescent green as the lid of an old ladys pillbox. But thats not exactly useful, is it?

So what if Elktonium was a bust, was Henrys opinion. His mother had still been a great scientist, a great lady, and a great mom, and shed worked hard every day on her last creation, Elktonium, even when she was so tired she could barely stand up in the lab. Why not leave it at that?

Because now the problem was, even though Elktonium had turned out to be basically no good to anybody, Henrys father, Phil, wouldnt admit it. He claimed that people just didnt understand Elktonium. He maintained that if Melissa had created it, then Elktonium must be good for something. The only problem was, no one had yet discovered what that something was. So Phil Cicada took it upon himself to uncover Elktoniums true purpose. He started inventing new devices made of Elktonium. The Elktonium Bootjack. The Elktonium Spatula. The Elktonium Wok. Phil began neglecting his job at the Free Library of Philadelphia, requests for old volumes of Walt Whitmans poetry began to pile up, and eventually Phil got himself fired. He and Henry had to move to Texas so Phil could operate the cash register in a 7-Eleven in a small desert town called Pumpjack, which, he told Henry, was the nearest location he could find employment, given his highly specialized work experience. Plus, Phil added, Texas was a spectacular place, with deserts, mountains, stars in the sky, and, some people claimed, on certain moonless nights, ghostly blue lights that traveled mysteriously to and fro in the distance. On the drive out from Philly, Phil had told Henry they should go look at the lights sometime, but so far they hadnt managed to get around to it.