Kimberly M. Zieselman - XOXY: A Memoir (Intersex Woman, Mother, Activist)

Contents

Preface

The term intersex refers to someone born with one or more physical sex characteristics (such as genitals, reproductive organs, hormone levels or chromosomes) that dont line up with what is typically considered either a male or female body.

There are many different variations of intersex, and my story is just one narrative. One thing many of us have in common is the experience of medicalization, and the attempts to erase our healthy, non-binary bodies.

Our bodies are just another example that life is not so black and white. Much beauty exists in the infinite shades of gray. Intersex babiesas with all human bodiesexist in a wide spectrum. My hope is that readers will learn about, accept and support intersex children and adults, and respect that we have rights to truth, freedom from harm, and bodily autonomyjust like everyone else.

Male Pseudo-Hermaphrodite

I poured another glass of wine for my sister Tara, and then refilled my ownwe would both need to soften the rough edges of the day a little. It was only the third Thanksgiving since my parents divorce. My twin girls were off playing Nintendo Wii with my nephews. My husband and my brother-in-law were in and out of the kitchen and the living room: monitoring the progress of the dinner, keeping up with football scores, and roughhousing with the kids. We were all tense, waiting for my dad to arrive. He was bringing his girlfriend, Caroline.

Hes been all riled up about next years elections, Tara said, but I already knew. He kept sharing posts on Facebook filled with evidence of how the country was going to hell because of the latest left-wing conspiracy. He had always been on the conservative side, but recently he seemed to be increasingly staunch in his views and more than eager to share them.

Well just try to keep him on baseball. The Red Sox had just won the World Series. My dad was thrilled. So was Iafter all, Id been watching Sox games with him since I was a toddler, cheering along with my dad whenever Carl Yaz Yastrzemski was at bat.

Tara lived only a few minutes from him, and I was an hour away, so she took the brunt of hosting family gatherings, although we didnt have many more than these holiday get-togethers.

Did you call Mom? Tara asked. Id talked to her in the morning. She was going to be spending the afternoon at a neighbors in Naples, Florida, where shed moved full-time shortly after the divorce. Shed asked if wed be seeing our father, and Id told her that we were, but I didnt mention whod be joining him.

The doorbell rang, and my husband met Tara and me at the door. He rubbed my back, just enough. I knew he always had my back. My dad gave hugs all around, and then Caroline followed suit. She put her arms around me before I could process the act, and I cringed, though I gave her a stiff hug in reply. Tara and I knew that Caroline was involved in the breakup of my parents marriage. Caroline knew that we knew. Everyone was polite. Three years may seem like a long time to take to get over something, but when that something is the complete understanding of the first 38 years of your life, three years is no time at all. There were still plenty of exposed, raw nerves.

My parents made a big deal about holidays when I was growing up. Our family was smallmy parents each had a sibling, and I had a few cousins, but we rarely saw them. So before our husbands and kids came along, holidays had been the four of usme, Tara, my mom, my dad. My dad worked so much that my strongest memories of him were at holidays or on vacations. He loved to buy gifts and gave us anything we needed. I was grateful to him.

But now there was an asterisk over our entire history. So much of what I thought I knew was only a half-truth. It felt like hed been living another life, separate from us. I sensed their marriage hadnt been good for a while and they both seemed to get on each others nerves. But I never imagined it would end the way it did.

Now that it was out in the open, I wasnt sure if the two halves had come together, or if there was still another version of my dad out there. Someone I didnt know at all.

Everything smells so good, my dad said, and he made himself at home, trying to get Caroline to do the same. He smiled, and his eyes twinkled under his long eyelashes. You couldnt deny my dad had charisma. We were all adjusting.

Taras husband asked my dad about his new iPhonethe original version had just come out that year, and my dad always had to have the latest and greatest of whatever was out there. I just wish Id gotten stock sooner, my dad said.

Although, who knows? The Dows been dropping.

It could never stay that high, my dad said, but it will right itself. Everything will be fine. Theres always a dip before elections anyway.

I just cant wait to get Bush out of there, my husband said.

I kind of like Romney, but its going to be McCain, my dad said. I know its going to be McCain. Then hell take Hillary in a landslide.

I dont know, Dad, I said, Barack Obama has a shot at the nomination. Id just watched his transformative speech a couple weeks back. I liked the idea of having hope again. I felt like I needed it. I know peoples parents get divorced all the time, but the way it happenedit was rough on all of us.

My dad snorted. That guy. Hes got no experience. Hes another unrealistic liberal.

Please, no politics at Thanksgiving, Tara said. She leaned in while I set the table. I just want to get through this day.

I nodded. I looked at my father, who had been such a presence in my life: the great big teddy bear. Hed aged, his full head of hair now gray. Now he was always railing about politics, about how his stocks were going to come back up.

Caroline, can I get you anything? I poured out some wine and tried to think of something to say to her. I didnt want life to feel weird or fraught, but I was uncomfortable. We all were. This was a great dance of politeness.

Thank you, sweetie, everything is justlovely. She spoke slowly, as an affectation. She was a nurse, so I knew she must be sharp. But she seemed to have cultivated a style of speech designed to make a certain type of man feel at ease; telecasting how receptive she was to whatever brilliant thing the big, strong, and wise man had to teach her. I could see why my father12 years her seniorwas drawn to her. The long blonde hair and nice figure didnt hurt.

We ate the food, and it was as good as ever, but my tastes were off, and melancholy had seeped into every dish. My girls asked if they could have a second helping of pie, and my dad gave a wink and served each one an extra-large slice.

Not too much, Dad, I said. But I smiledmy dad had always been the one to sneak us sweets and indulgences when my mom wasnt looking. I kept this to myself. My dad, however, did not.

I dont know about you, but Im going to have a third piece of pie. Any other takers? Now that your moms not around, theres no one to stop us! My dad laughed, and Caroline was quick to add in a light chuckle, although I suspected that was for my dads benefit. She looked uncomfortable. I raised my eyebrows and gave a flat huh.

Tara cut in. Ugh, Dad, dont bring Mom into this.

Oh, lighten up, girls, I didnt mean anything by it, my dad said. Both he and my mom were carrying grudges, and it made both my sister and I very uncomfortable.