Joseph Piercy - Are You Turning Into Your Dad?

Copyright 2012 by Joseph Piercy

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First published in Great Britain in 2011 by Michael OMara Books Limited.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Piercy, Joseph.

Are you turning into your dad? / Joseph Piercy.

p. cm.

First published in Great Britain in 2011 by Michael OMara Books LimitedT.p. verso.

(trade paper : alk. paper) 1. FathersHumor. 2. Conduct of lifeHumor. I. Title.

PN6231.F37P54 2012

818.602dc23

2012020532

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

THE DAWNING REALIZATION

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man.

LEON TROTSKY

I can remember the day very clearly. It was a Friday after work and I was on my way to my parents house when the heavens opened. I got soaked from head to toe. Stepping into the hall, I took off my dripping coat and sodden shoes and went to put them in the closet. And then it happened. I spotted them right at the back. They were an unwanted Christmas gift from a Scottish aunt a few years back. I remembered the feeling of disappointment when Id unwrapped the box. Id been hoping for a really cool pair of headphones but instead I got a really uncool pair of fur-lined tartan slippers. Needless to say Id never worn them. They were slung into the cupboard under the stairs the day after Christmas and forgotten. Until now.

Heaven Sent

My feet were wet and cold and suddenly the slippers looked unbelievably attractive. The word that sprung to mind was cozy. I picked them up, turned them over in my hands and was about to put them on when my dad strolled into the hall and gave me a knowing smile. He was a dedicated fan of the softer-soled shoe; in fact, he was the only man I knew who had both a summer and a winter pair. He said one word: Wait. Then he ambled over, picked up the slippers and walked into the family room. He placed them on top of a piping hot radiator and said, Just give it a minute, I promise itll be worth it.

Worth the Wait

We waited. The minute lasted an eternity. My feet were freezing. Eventually he removed the slippers and carefully placed them in front of me. I pushed myself into them. Pure bliss. It felt like Id stepped into a bath of lightly toasted marshmallows.

When Id floated back down to earth I asked, Why didnt you tell me about this earlier?

He was very straightforward. Im sorry, son, but you just werent ready. You wouldnt have listened, let alone appreciated what Ive just done.

I bristled, but deep down I knew he was right. I had been a boy but now I was a man. Well is there anything else as good as this that youve been keeping to yourself?

Actually, there is something else I can probably share with you.

Such as? I asked, expectantly.

Have you ever sat on top of a mountain after a lengthy hike and drunk a cup of hot tea fresh from a thermos?

No Turning Back

It was March 8, 2002, and I was thirty-two years old. That was the day I realized I was turning into my dad. And it wasnt bad. In fact, it felt really good. I was having a midlife epiphany the opposite a midlife crisis.

But the jump from wanting to rave all night to wanting to ramble all day can be confusing. What follows is a guidebook for fellow travelers, a lighthearted concoction of tips, quizzes and funny stories, all designed to help you understand and embrace your inner dad. So get your slippers on, ease yourself back into a comfortable armchair, take a sip of hot chocolate (no doubt from your favorite mug) and enjoy.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

OSCAR WILDE

Just remember, once youre over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

CHARLES SCHULZ

DO YOU DRESS LIKE YOUR DAD?

THE FIRST TEST

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things that a man can suffer that doesnt involve a woman.

LARRY DAVID

With an ever-burgeoning waistline and an ever-receding hairline one would think itd be more important than before to be well dressed. Somehow, though, youve just let things slip these last few years. Then one day you open the wardrobe and the sinking feeling comes over you that youve started to dress like your dad. The following quiz will determine if your general attire is in desperate need of a makeover before its too late.

Do you own a golf sweater, possibly in a pastel shade of yellow or purple?

Yes

No

Is there a smart casual jacket hanging in the closet which you don for special occasions? You think it makes you look ten years younger but your wife vehemently protests whenever you wear it and regularly threatens to donate it to a local charity shop?

Yes

No

Do you have a loud shirt that wouldnt look out of place at a seventies themed fancy dress party? You secretly modeled it on the Top Gear presenters, although none of your family or friends have picked up on the connection.

Yes

No

Do you find entering a sports shop to buy a new pair of sneakers a traumatic experience, and imagine that the sales associates are all laughing at you behind your back?