Rachel Ballinger - 101 Things That Piss Me Off

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Have you ever gotten so angry that your fists curled, all of your muscles tightened, and every word out of your mouth was a scream? Then someone tells you to calm down because its not that big of a deal? Screw that person! I hate that person! You have the right to be unnecessarily angry. You have the right to curse, scream, and throw things. Most people might not get angry at someone for going the speed limit. But lucky for you, Im not most people. I will yell at that law-abiding citizen. I will scream at them (from the safety of my car) and tell them how stupid I think they are. Because that person Pissed. Me. Off. My name is Rachel Ballinger, and I have (admittedly, to a fault) a short and loud temper.

Welcome to my list of 101 things that piss me off. Some of these things are serious. Some of these things are petty. Some of them might be considered first world problems. However, I call them annoyances that simply need to stop. And I feel that most of you will agree with me (but frankly, I do not care if you do or dont). Lets do this.

When people ask me Does this smell weird?

Never. Never do I ever want to be your sniff tester. Why would I? Chances are, it does smell weird! If you are questioning the smell of something, it usually means the smell is questionable. Dont put it near me. Ya nasty.

Also, dont ask me to taste anything, either. My friend once asked me to taste her milk for her, and I ended up spraying white chunky liquid all over the kitchen and shoving anything I could find into my mouth to get rid of the sour taste!

Have some human decency; if something smells questionable, just throw it out.

When people say water doesnt have a taste.

Youre wrong. It does. It tastes like water. End of story.

When people type haha or LOL .

Now, Im not against these things. They express laughter or that something was funny. I often write them to express such things. But lets be real, when people type haha or LOL, you know that zero laughter came from their body. So unless you write: BAHAHAHAHAKHFDKHAHAHAHAH, I wont think you actually found anything funny.

And adding an LOL at the end of an uncomfortable text doesnt make it less uncomfortable. In fact, it makes it more uncomfortable.

Heres an example of an LOL not helping:

That LOL just made everything 80x more awkward!

How people get 10x stupider when entering an airport or airplane.

People forget how to walk, buckle a seat belt, follow a sign, follow verbal instructions, push a button, or even how to carry a bag once theyve stepped into an airport, especially in the security line. It really isnt that hard to figure out that you have to take off your shoes, belt, and jacket, then take out your laptop. Also, dont bring objects that can kill people or any large containers full of mysterious liquid. These are very simple rules. And then once youre through the scanning process, please step aside while you re-dress yourself so the rest of us can get to our bags. Its not rocket science, people.

When people dont brush their teeth immediately after waking up.

When I wake up, my mouth tastes disgusting. Everybodys does. How can people get out of bed and think, Yes! This is the taste I want in my mouth the rest of the morning? Its gross. Brush your teeth. And dont use the excuse, Well, I want to eat breakfast first. Heres a bit of information, you can eat breakfast after you brush your teeth. I know, I just blew your mind. Youre welcome.

When people roll down my window in the car without asking.

Im a human with long hair that, on most days, I wear down. That means that if a lot of wind blows in my face, my hair blows everywhere and gets completely tangled, resulting in me hating everything the rest of the day. People with short hair dont understand this problem; therefore, its usually short-haired people who decide to roll down my window without asking and get so confused when I roll it back up or threaten to murder them. This is just a warning to every human out there: people with long hair usually dont like it blowing in their face. Keep the windows up. You can roll down yours all you want but you better not let that wind touch my hair.

Window down:

Window up:

When you text someone something really funny and then they dont respond.

Excuse me. That was funny, write back.

When people start a sentence with Im sorry, but

Chances are, theyre not sorry. My father taught me that a true apology should never have but in it. If you are trying to excuse your actions, then you are not taking full responsibility for them. Or if you say, Im sorry, but before you actually do the thing that youre apologizing for, then youre not sorry in the least bit. Because if you were sorry, you wouldnt have done it in the first place.

Its the same as saying, Im sorry you feel that way. Thats not an apology.

I see you fake apologizing. I see you.

Ive made a list of fake apologies and excuses, so that you can look out for them. Or so you stop using them.

1. Im sorry, but Im the kind of person that always tells the truth, so I had to tell that guy you liked him.

2. Im sorry, but youre dumb if you thought that test was hard.

3. Im sorry, but I was just really hungry, so I had to eat your lunch or I would have gotten really cranky.

4. Sorry that I have to say this, but you look fat in that.

5. Im sorry that I told everyone your biggest secret, but you were being annoying earlier so I had every right.

Those arent real apologies or excuses.

When store employees are up my butt the entire time Im in the store.

I know most retail salespeople work on commission. Therefore, they are friendly, ask if I need help, and try to do whatever they can to make my shopping experience as blissful as possible. But for me that means letting me shop in peace and not reminding me of your sales promotion 6 times, asking if I need something in a different size, if I need help finding something, what Im looking for that day, what my favorite color is, what I ate that day, what my favorite season is, where Im from, if I like cats or dogs better, which Kardashian Im most like, and then telling me about your sales promotion once more. Im a grown competent woman. I can read your sale signs, and I know that if I have any problems, youll be there to help me. You dont need to hold my hand. I know I sound like a terrible person right now. Its because I am. But on the real, leave me alone. A cordial, Hello, need help with anything today? is fine.