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Billy Crystal - 700 Sundays

Here you can read online Billy Crystal - 700 Sundays full text of the book (entire story) in english for free. Download pdf and epub, get meaning, cover and reviews about this ebook. year: 2005, publisher: Warner Books, genre: Detective and thriller. Description of the work, (preface) as well as reviews are available. Best literature library LitArk.com created for fans of good reading and offers a wide selection of genres:

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Billy Crystal 700 Sundays

700 Sundays: summary, description and annotation

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From Publishers Weekly Reading the book version of comedian Crystals Broadway solo show can be initially off-putting. The jokes he uses to warm up his audience (on why Jews eat Chinese food on Sunday nights, his complaints about his circumcision, the nasal pronunciation of Jewish names, etc.) are distinctly unfunny on the page. But once Crystal is finished with shtick and on to the story of his marvelous Long Island family, readers will be glad they can savor it at their own pace. Theres the story of Crystals uncle Milt Gabler, who started the Commodore music label and recorded Billie Holiday singing Strange Fruit when no one else would. Then theres the Sunday afternoon when Holiday takes young Crystal to see his first movie at what later became the Fillmore East. Theres even Louis Armstrong at the Crystal family seder, with Crystals grandma telling the gravelly-voiced singer, Louis, have you tried just coughing it up? At the heart of these tales is Crystals father, the man who bought his little boy a tape recorder when he announced he wanted to be a comedian and didnt scold when he recycled off-color borscht belt routines for family gatherings. Crystals dad worked two jobs and died young, so they had maybe 700 Sundays togetherbut how dear they were. Photos. Copyright Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. About the Author BILLY CRYSTAL has created one of the most versatile and prolific careers in the entertainment industry. Beginning with the popular series Soap, he went on to phenomenal success on Saturday Night Live, creating memorable characters, including his impersonation of Sammy Davis Jr. and Fernando of You Look Mahvelous! fame. A writer, director, and producer, Crystal was the first comedian to perform in the then-Soviet Union with his HBO special Midnight Train to Moscow. In addition, Crystal has hosted the Grammy Awards three times, and, of course, the Oscars eight times. Billy Crystals childrens book, I Already Know I Love You was an instant New York Times bestseller. Some of Crystals most memorable films include Running Scared, Throw Momma From the Train, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, City Slickers I and II, Mr. Saturday Night, Forget Paris, Hamlet, Deconstructing Harry, Fathers Day, My Giant, Analyze This and That, Americas Sweethearts, and Disneys record-breaking Monsters Inc. Crystals film 61* for HBO showcased him as a director and a producer, garnering 12 Emmy nominations and the prestigious Directors Guild nomination.

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Copyright 2005 by Billy Crystal All rights reserved Warner Books Hachette Book - photo 1

Copyright 2005 by Billy Crystal

All rights reserved.

Warner Books

Hachette Book Group, USA

237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

Visit our Web site at hachettebookgroupusa.com.

Printed in the United States of America

First eBook Edition: October 2005

ISBN: 978-0-7595-6934-8

For Mom and Dad

Creating and performing 700 Sundays on Broadway was the most fulfilling time in my career. Many people helped make that journey the joy it was, and in many ways also made this book possible. So, to Des McAnuff, who directed the play, and to my collaborator and friend Alan Zweibel for his work, some of which graces these pages. I thank you.

To two David Steinbergs. One, my manager, who encouraged me to get back on stage. And the other David Steinberg, the comedian, who literally was on stage with me. To David Letterman, whose show became a safe place to go out and be funny. To Robin Williams, who always encouraged me to get back up there. To everyone at Warner Books and Jennifer Joel at ICM who has embraced the writing, and to the audiences at the La Jolla Playhouse in California and the Broadhurst on Broadway that were so extraordinary. To Steve and Andrew Tenenbaum, Larry Brezner, and Larry Magid, for all they have done.

To all my relatives, some long gone, Im so grateful for your love and laughter. To Jenny, Michael, Ella, and Lindsay for their devotion, and to my brothers Joel and Rip, who were always up there with me. And to Janice: Did you ever think when we first met, that some day we would be on stage together at Radio Music Hall, Tony awards in our hands, standing in front of our kids? Can you dig that? I knew that you could.

bc

Consider the rose... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and its the most beautiful because its the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place.

Zutty Singleton

W e got a new car I was the most excited kid in the world because we finally - photo 2

W e got a new car! I was the most excited kid in the world because we finally got a new car, and I didnt even know what make it was. All my father said on the phone was, I just bought a new car, and its a surprise, so, everybody be out in front of the house because Im going to pull up exactly at noon. So right before noon, we stood in the driveway, my brothers, my mom and I, trying to guess what Dad bought.

Maybe its the Ford Fairlane, Joel, who was fifteen, wondered.

No, I bet its the Bonneville, Rip, eleven, said with authority.

He mentioned something about the Chrysler Imperial, said Mom.

I interrupted, which I always did because I was the youngest and the shortest, which made me the loudest. I was also nine. Wait, he said it was a surprise! What if he got, as I looked up to the sky with hope, a Cadillac? (I swear I could hear angels singing.)

We were silent for a brief moment, all of us considering that heavenly possibility, when we heard Pops honk, and there he was waving, as he pulled up in our brand-new, right-out-of-the-showroom, 1957... gray-on-gray Plymouth Belvedere.

What the hell was he thinking? Of all the cool cars out there, he picks this one? A Plymouth? And gray? Gray isnt even its own color, its a combination of black and white. And two tones of it?

This was not the car of my dreams, but at least it was a new car with big fins, red leather interior and push-button transmission. The Plymouth replaced the only car I ever knew in my life and I was glad to see this car go. It was an embarrassing-to-drive-around-Long-Beach-in big, black, boxy, 1948 Chevrolet. This was an ugly automobile. It had a sun visor over the front windshield, so it looked like the car was wearing a fedora. Sometimes it looked like the car was an old-time film noir detective sitting in front of our house. It wasnt a family car. This was a getaway car. They killed Sonny on the Causeway in this car. Why on earth would he keep this car for nine years?

Two reasons. One, we couldnt afford anything else; and two, my father loved this car. He took perfect care of this car. He even named the car. He named the car Nellie. Men always name their cars after women, and talk about them like they are women. Its always, Shes a beauty, isnt she? Its never, Isnt Ira a great-looking car? Boats are almost always named after wives, daughters, or girlfriends. I have never seen the SS Larry. Even the man who dropped the bomb on Hiroshima named the plane after his mother, Enola Gay:

Hi Mom, I just dropped the A-bomb on Japan and killed eighty thousand people, and I named the plane after you!

Oh son, thank you, I cant wait to call Ida, shes always bragging about her Sidney.

And men talk to their cars, just like theyre womenCome on girl, turn over baby, turn over. Men treat their cars like women: put a lot of miles on them, and eventually they trade them in for newer models.

Toward the end of Nellies life with us, she suffered from post-ignition syndrome or PIS, as Emily Dickinson called it. That meant you would turn off the ignition, and poor Nellie would sputter and spew for a few minutes afterward. It sounded like Nellie was an old woman getting in the last words in an argument:

No, its you. Its you. Not me. Its you. Its you. Its you. Not me. Its you. Not me. Not me. Its you. Its you. Not me. Its you. Its you. Its you. Not me. Its you. Not me. Not me. Its you. Not me. Not me. Fuck you!

So finally we have the new car, with its intoxicating new car smell, which smells exactly like... a new car. We took it out for a ride to celebrate at our favorite Chinese restaurant in Long Beachbecause it was the only Chinese restaurant in Long Beacha place on Park Avenue that we loved, a place called Wing Loo.

We were sitting in the front booth, the picture window behind us, and my dad was in a giddy mood. He had a couple of vodka gimlets, which is vodka, with just a splash of gimlet in it. And every time Mr. Loo would go by, Dad would giggle and say, Whats new, Loo? And the gray-on-gray Plymouth Belvedere was outside, gleaming under the streetlight, as best a gray-on-gray Plymouth Belvedere can. We were having the time of our lives. In other words, a perfect time for something to go wrong.

Big John Ormento was one of the local Mafiosos in Long Beach. There were a number of reputed gangsters living there. In fact in the book of The Godfather, Vito Corleone and family lived in Long Beach. Big John was scary, our Luca Brasi. While we were eating our egg rolls, and drinking our drinks with the little umbrellas in them, we had no idea that Big John Ormento was drunk driving his new car, a 1957, anti-Semitic Lincoln Continental. And he came roaring up Park Avenue, swerved and slammed into the back of the Belvedere, which then slammed into the back of the car in front of it, reducing our new car to a 1957 gray-on-gray Plymouth Belv! The crash was tremendous. We turned around so fast lo mein flew out of our mouths hitting and sticking to the window.

Big John staggered out of his car, surveyed the damage, shook his head a few times and started to laugh.

Oh my God, its Big John, Mom gasped.

Im going out there, said Dad as he started to push his way out of the black leather booth.

Dont, Jack, what if he has a gun? Dad ordered another gimlet.

Ormento ran to his car and took off.

Ten minutes later, Officer Miller was questioning my father. Did you see who did this, Mr. Crystal?

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