Laura Pedersen - A Theory of Everything Else: Essays

Copyright 2020 Laura Pedersen

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Published 2020

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-63152-737-1 pbk

ISBN: 978-1-63152-738-8 ebk

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020905903

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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Hector Berlioz (1803-1869)

T hat elusive Holy Grail of modern physics, A Theory of Everything (ToE), would explain the universe in a single set of equations. Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking avidly confronted the problem during their lifetimes, and scientists on The Big Bang Theory continue the quest to this day, at least in reruns.

Leaving string theory, galaxy clusters, and supersymmetry to the safety goggle, quantum computer, and Hadron Collider crowd, Ive now taken up the rest; that is, A Theory of Everything Else (ToEE), based on my own groundbreaking experiences as a dog walker, camp counselor, and bingo caller. For instance, the transitive property says that if a = b and b = c then a = c. Yet, my dogs hate being put in a tub of clean bathwater, but adore jumping into a dirty pond. Particle theory contains rules for the spacing of matter based on composition and energy. So how is it that a dog one-third of my weight ends up with two-thirds of the space on a king-size bed? And if a cats eyes can shift wavelengths to navigate in the dark, then why did one break the Limoges lamp I inherited from my grandmother? And why arent there any seeing-eye cats?

My interest extends to life-forms other than just cats and dogs. In my kitchen theres an avocado plant and a colony of ants. Despite tremendous efforts to nurture the plant and kill the insects, Ive ended up with a dead plant and a thriving ant colony. One equation Im particularly interested in working out goes as follows: God has dominion over all things. Man has dominion over all the beasts of the Earth, including fish in the sea, and birds of the sky. Yet microorganisms can kill us all.

Like anyone descended from Ingmar Bergmans part of the world, Im intrigued by death. Its puzzling how so many fitness gurus expired young while Irish grandparents in my neighborhood drank, smoked, inhaled diesel exhaust, never touched a vegetable, prayed the rosary as their only exercise, and lived to be ninety. When I was born, childhood was a perilous time as nurseries were stalked by polio, diphtheria, German measles, and scarlet fever. Thus it was practical to have spare children, and large families were the norm, especially in predominantly Catholic areas. Parents toiled round the clock in factories and kitchens to make our lives better than theirs and would have questioned your sanity if asked to organize a play date. Yet it appears what future generations took away from this sacrifice was to not have nearly as many kids, since they clearly ruin your life.

Finally, we have human nature, and there appears to be a lot of that in all of us. Its no longer politically correct to say ladies and gentlemen. In fact, women isnt an acceptable designation anymore since its just men with what sounds like woe tacked on, and wed like to be called Estrogen-Americans going forward. Meantime, The LGB label has grown from sandwich-size to a Slavic last name. In my immediate family several people struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder, and Im wondering if it wasnt just plain cruel to put the acronym OCD in non-alphabetical order. Why not CTU for Continuously Tidying Up or ACT for Always Checking Things?

Otherwise, Id like to consider this manifesto a public service. When I first arrived in Manhattan, I paid a guy (who, it transpires, was not operating in any official capacity) five dollars to ride the Staten Island Ferry (which, it turns out, is free), so now you wont make the same mistake, unless you always skip over introductions, which A Theory of Everything Else has just proven can be costly.

All knowledge, the totality of all questions and all answers is contained in the dog.

Franz Kafka

A re dogs so pleased to see us when we return because they assumed we were gone forever? They cant tell time on a clock face, but do canines know how long weve been away, whether it was an hour, a day, a week, a month, or an entire year? This is the number one argument among companions to canines. (Cats are well aware of how long you were gone but dont give a crap.) My black Lab, Maisie, knew to the minute when it was time for breakfast, dinner, walks, and treats. So actually my question is Do dogs sense the passing of time?

When I was a kid in the 1970s, before videography and surveillance became omnipresent with the advent of nanny cams and GoPro, I often wondered what my dog did while the family was out. One time after we left the house, I had my dad stop the car a block away so I could sneak back, climb behind the hedges, and peer in through the window. There was my poodle curled up with her despondent face turned toward the door. It was horribly sad, yet thoroughly satisfying: Fifis entire existence revolved around me, and life as she knew it was on hold awaiting my return.

Most canines catch a panic when suitcases or large backpacks appear on the bed. If your dogs are sometimes included on trips, there may be a frisson of excitement as signs of car crates, airline animal totes, and travel bowls are eagerly sought out in the packing jumble. However, when a dog concludes this is a humans-only excursion, it will often attempt to cleverly conceal itself inside a suitcase, which is no small feat for a Labrador retriever. I had a five-pound Yorkie (what size brain is inside there?) that could tell by the dimensions and scope of luggage taken out how long a trip was intended to last.

Enter the Royal Academy of Canine Actors. If anything larger than an overnight bag appears, we are treated to a reenactment of the death scene from Camille. At departure time my dogs gather by the door wearing their funeral faces, looking like Chekhovs Three Sisters hoping to be swept off to Moscow. They take it as a personal affront when I leave on a trip without them. A meeting is called which always ends in the same decision: Lets all get sick. With a show of paws, they volunteer for vomiting, peeing, pooping, and explosive diarrhea. They become true philosophers and students of Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, who said the fact there is something rather than nothing requires an explanation. The only rule for creating a minefield of dog mess throughout the house is that it mustnt be done on any hard, washable surfaces such as tiles or a linoleum floor. They swear an oath. Soon after, the carpets, bedspreads, and upholstered furniture become empty canvases, unfilled dreamscapes, and hazardous dumpsites.