Paris Lees - What It Feels Like for a Girl

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First published by Particular Books in 2021

Text copyright Paris Lees, 2021

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Cover design: Tom Etherington

ISBN: 978-0-141-99307-2

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For Mister Duck

The vicar sez Lord Byron worra bit of a gay boy an I had to bite ma tongue so I dint burst out laughin. Sez he worra right bogger. After we left, Old Mother ubbard guz, He dint mean what youre thinkin, duck. He meant he worra rogue. A ladies man. Someone wi loose morals. I thought, OK, but they do say he were bisexual. An he were into that black magic. Serves em right for namin me after im, eh? I were born on the exact same day as im, two hundred years later. Were Capricorns.

Its a nice name, innit? I wonder where they could possibly have got the idea from. Oh yeah, I forgot. Everythins called Byron round here. Byron Taxis. Byron Cinema. Byron Bingo. At the end of our road theres even a pub called wait for it The Byron. Smanfas brother guz, even though hes only just turned sixteen. They dont check or nowt. It gets dead busy at weekends. Blokes always come an piss outside our house comin back from the boozer on Friday nights. I watch em through the net curtain an try an gerra good look. Its bad, innit?

Lord Byrons buried in the Parish Church of St Mary Magdalene in ucknall an unbelievably, indescribably, mind-bendingly borin town in the Nottinghamshire countryside that folk say got shut down wi the mines in the eighties. The people are small-minded an the streets are paved wi dog shit. He were menna go in Westminster Abbey with all the other important people, but they said he were too risqu. So they brought im back here, to slowly rot away wi the rest of us. I think about im sometimes, in is crypt, an is tattered old clothes. He were dead pale-lookin. I reckon hed make a great vampire.

Hed be in good company. Most people round ucknall look like theyve lost the will to live. They just shuffle about like the livin dead, goin on about kitchens theyre too skint to do up or marriages theyre too scared to leave. Not that theres owt else to do. Theres a Wilkos an a flea market, an thats yer lot. Nothin ever happens an no one ever leaves. But dya know what I hate most about people round here is? They lack aspiration. Mammar Rita sez Im precocious when I talk like that. Mammar Ritas ma dads mam. Mammar Joes me mams mam but I call er Old Mother ubbard coz shes always runnin low on supplies, apart from Giro day. Gaz sez, Theres no need to gi yersen airs an friggin graces just coz yer a clever clogs, but I dont even reckon I am that clever. I just think everyone else round heres stupid.

Ben Caunts buried in St Marys too. He worra famous boxer in Victorian times. They named Big Ben after im. Gaz sez hes a local hero. OK so how come he died in London? An how come Lord Byron died in Greece? They say is hearts buried out there. He said England could have is body, but yer hearts what makes ya who ya are. So it is possible to escape. He were rich, though. An Ben Caunt were the strongest man of is time. Last time I checked, Im neither. Mary Magdalene were mates wi Jesus, but Mammar Joe sez she were just as bad as Byron. She worra prostitute! So how come they named a friggin church after er?

I live at 26 Annesley Road, ucknall, an ya can see St Marys from here an quite a bit of it if ya happen to be havin a sneaky fag out the back window in the attic, like I am. Its five to five an when the bells start Im gonna see if I can run downstairs before the last one. Youve literally got five seconds. I nearly did it the other day. Mammar Rita sez Im gonna end up breakin ma neck if Im not careful an she might be on to summat, but I cant miss the start of Ready Steady Cook, canna? Its ma favourite programme. Well, after Big Brother. Ya can watch em in the shower if youve got the internet! Which we dont, obviously, coz Gaz dont seem to realize theres bin a cyber revolution an a new Millennium an that.

No wait its Absolutely Fabulous. Thats ma favourite TV show ever.

Ive gorra change this shirt, though. Ive got coal stains on it again. I lost ma key last month so Ive had to climb in through the coal grate for the past fortnight. If I go to the shop or take the dog out I leave the back door on the latch an hope he dont notice, which so far he ant. Im not tellin im. Hed go mental.

Thats im now, pullin up outside the DIY store next-door-but-one. He drives a black Golf GTI. Ya can hear it comin down the road from a mile off, screechin or purrin dependin on what mood hes in if he slams the door, yer in real trouble. Ya dont mess wi Gaz Lees, not if ya wanna keep hold of yer teeth, ya dont. Hes the ardest man in ucknall. And, unfortunately, ma father.

Gaz is thirty-three an spends is weeknights weightliftin, badger baitin an findin things that have fallen off the backs of lorries. On weekends he starts fights outside the Wine Bar, ucknalls most sophisticated drinkin establishment. Gaz is the ead bouncer. Hes under the impression that people round here respect im, but theyre just scared of im. He thinks its the same thing. Is favourite films Braveheart. Thats how he sees issen.

Gaz has three kids wi three women, an possibly more we dont know about, accordin to me mam. They all respect im too. Hes always gerrin people pregnant, sometimes two at once. Mam sez its the only bit he seems to like about parenthood. Ma lil brothers mixed race. Hes an equal opportunities womanizer, our Gaz, an orrible bastard no matter who ya are.

Gaz never guz to parents evenin, which is funny coz hes always goin on about how Education is the key ter the world like hed know owt about that! I dont even think he can read an write. I know he dont write ma birthday cards coz ya dont have to be Sherlock Holmes to recognize Mammar Ritas handwritin, an the nice messages are a bit of a giveaway, too. No, I reckon the closest Gaz Lees has come to gerrin a certificate is havin is name put in the cane book. Mr Smith remembers im. Mams in there too, claim to fame or what? God knows why they think Im gonna behave any better than they did!

Id better open this window a bit wider. I dont tell Gaz nuffin, although he must know I smoke coz Im always goin in is leather jacket an nickin is Benson an Hedges. They come in a gold packet so theyre quite posh for im. I think theyre the ones ya put in them cigarette holders they used to have in Olden Times, ya know, like what Joan Collinsd smoke. Ive always wanted one. An them long gloves they had, dead glamorous an that. I get Superking Blacks usually coz theyre big an ya can have half an save the rest for later. I tried a Menthol at break once like Dot Cotton off of