Emily Axford - HEY, U UP? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact

Editor: David Cashion
Designer: Devin Grosz
Production Manager: Alex Cameron
Illustrator: John Devolle

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017949415

ISBN: 978-1-4197-2914-0
eISBN: 978-1-68335-236-5

Text copyright 2018 Brian Murphy and Emily Axford
Cover and illustrations 2018 Abrams

Published in 2018 by Abrams Image, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below.

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We dedicate this book to you, cutie ;-)

When youre single, it feels like youre surrounded by happy couples. You imagine all of your friends in relationships constantly having mind-blowing sex, occasionally coming up for air and candlelit steak dinners. In your head, all they do is bone and brunch and go on hikes and ignore your text messages. Somehow, theyve managed to thrive in the very same dating pool in which you are currently drowning. Whats it going to take for some hot lifeguard to finally pull you out? And maybe let you live in their penthouse, rent-free, because they also happen to be rich? You know, one of those wealthy lifeguards, who works by choice.

Why does it seem like everyone can find love but you?

You are, objectively, a great catch. You are a learned person who reads books (apparently), you have enough disposable income to buy books (presumably), and you have a great sense of humor because youre enjoying this book so far (definitely). You should be the one having tantric sex in your king-size bed with your conventionally attractive soulmate and ignoring your friends texts about the weird bird they just saw.

But your friends relationships arent as glamorous as they seem. For every romantic getaway that they document on Instagram, there are twenty-six Costco runs, eighteen mandatory family gatherings, and at least two fights about whether or not they should get insurance on the rental car. In fact, theyre jealous of you! You dont have to attend your nephew-in-laws christening this weekend! Youre free to waste your whole Sunday on a hangover. Single people have no one to hold them accountable!

Everyone wants the companionship and security of a relationship, but with the passion and enthusiastic oral sex of being single. Its like that movie Blade, where Wesley Snipes has the advantages of being a vampire without any of the weaknesses. Is that too much to ask? To get all of the good parts of a relationship, without any of the bad? And to have vampire strength, but also be immune to wooden stakes?

Well, were here to tell you that you can have it all. Because we found it.

We are Murph and Emily. Before we got together, we knew each other as coworkers at CollegeHumor.com. That all changed when we got a little too tipsy at a work party and ended the night dancing naked to Frank Ocean. It was sweet. It was romantic. It was the most 2012 thing you could do outside of voting for Mitt Romney.

Our secret office romance was secret for about two hours, and we continued to raise eyebrows when we moved in together after only three months. The general reaction was a mixture of concern and awe. As our friend David put it, This is either going to end in marriage or murder-suicide. Luckily for us, it ended in marriage!

We got engaged six months in and married shortly thereafter at a wedding venue that a cultured person might describe as reminiscent of a medieval hamlet, but we described as mad Lord of the Rings-y. Since getting hitched, weve continued to work together as comedy partners, collaborating on a ton of successful (and unsuccessful!) Internet, TV, and, now, literary projects. If you dont know us from Hot Date, College-Humor, or Adam Ruins Everything, you would probably recognize us as that couple in your Facebook feed that occasionally pops up having sex in a comedy sketch. We havent made the shift to actual porn yet, but who knows what will happen if this book doesnt sell!

Somehow, we manage to work together, live together, and sleep together without killing each other. Weve got what everybody wants and what every so-called qualified relationship expert says isnt out there: Someone Just Like You That You Also Want to Bone. Its for this reason that our friends, skeptical at first, now come to us for advice: How can I be like you? How can I find my soulmate and nail them down, in no time flat, after a series of rash decisions?

Well show youout of the goodness of our hearts, but also to fulfill our publishing contract. This book is a step-by-step guide through every stage of a relationship. Well take you from your first hookup to consummating the marriage doggy-style. If youre already in a relationship, there is still plenty to glean here, but you could always skip ahead to the section that best applies to you for Maximum GleanTM. If youre single and/or know how books work, just start at .

Be aware: some of our advice is not to be taken literally. This is comedy, after all. Ahead are a series of satirical stories and essays that can be applied to your own life as you see fit. You know, like the Bible. Also, like the Bible, we recommend you start pushing this book on all of your friends and maybe even go door-to-door asking people if theyre ready to accept Murph and Emily into their hearts. If any hotel managers are reading this, feel free to place this in every dresser in your establishment.

We promise it has almost as much weird sex stuff as any holy text.

Our Story

We got drunk at a work event and went down on each other.

This book is about finding your soulmate. And the first step to finding your soulmate is to drunkenly make out with your soulmate in the back of a cab that youll forget you paid for until you look at your bank statement. Welcome to the hookup scene! We hope you brought a travel toothbrush.

Navigating this hive of scum and villainy (and, in some cases, HPV) can be tricky. How can you be sure youre hooking up with The One and not some jamoke who just happened to look good in the low lights of that painfully self-aware dive bar? You cant. You can, however, up your chances of knockin boots with The One if you narrow your pool of potential hookups. Maximize your chances of going home with a winner by ruling out the losers. Youll thank us when you dont wake up on an air mattress next to a thirty-four-year-old wannabe DJ named Klaus.