Beverly Gooden - Surviving: Why We Stay and How We Leave Abusive Relationships

Surviving

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD

Lanham Boulder New York London

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Gooden, Beverly, 1982- author.

Title: Surviving : why we stay and how we leave abusive relationships / Beverly Gooden.

Description: Lanham : Rowman & Littlefield, [2022] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021042826 (print) | LCCN 2021042827 (ebook) | ISBN 9781538158098 (cloth ; alk. paper) | ISBN 9781538158104 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Gooden, Beverly, 1982- | Abused women--United States--Biography. | Victims of family violence--United States--Biography. | Family violence--United States. | Intimate partner violence--United States.

Classification: LCC HV6626.2 .G6667 2022 (print) | LCC HV6626.2 (ebook) | DDC 362.82/92092 [B]--dc23/eng/20211228

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021042826

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021042827

TM The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

For Nadia Ezaldein

Landon, Hudson, and Paxton, who saved my life.

Ella Mae, Terrence, Charlie, Yvonne, Kisha, and Debbie. All of my family in Ohio, Georgia, Alabama, Virginia, and West Virginia.

Larissa Melo Pienkowski, who I was drawn to from the moment we met. An encourager, editorial archer, and incredible agent; thank you for everything. I cant wait to see whats next on this journey.

Suzanne Staszak-Silva and the Rowman & Littlefield team: Thank you for believing in me.

Courtnie Ledet, MA, LPC, and Mary Kay Hamilton, LPC-S, Lori Kozlowski of More Light Media, Dr. Mary Elsbernd, Jill Grinberg Literary Management, Lissa Warren PR, Stephanie Nilva, Jessica Merrill, Theo Moll, and Keppler Speakers.

A. D. Smith, Kera Lawson, Geoff Blackman, Shyvon Lacy, Kyra Stephens, B. Monique Hutchinson, Antanique N. Adegbesokun, Brittany Jones, Kim Johnson, Marguerite Matthews, Miranda Gary, Julie Artieri, DaNella C. Knight, Megan Maddox, Quinn Hamilton, elle roberts, and J. Lavela.

In many ways, I still grieve my marriage, an entire decade after ending it. I still think about the what-ifs. What if Id gone to therapy with him just a few more times? What if wed chosen to have a prolonged separation period, followed by a restorative process that culminated in us renewing our vows? What if Im wrong about how bad it was, now that Ive seen more severe cases of physical abuse happen to others?

What if I had just stayed?

I have traveled around the country talking to people about the complexities of domestic violence. How sometimes there are red flags; sometimes there are none. How a person who is abusive carefully peels away the layers of confidence you have in your ability to make decisions, causing you to question reality. Is this real? Are they right? Are my feelings irrational? Am I being dramatic? How victims are so often dismissed by the public, accused of trying to ruin a persons life, or confronted with questions like How do we know youre telling the truth?

But I realized that even as I write these words in December 2020, exactly ten years removed from the marriage I left, I am gripped by how confusing it is to survive abuse. How every day in the relationship is a game of wits; who will outsmart who in the race to win control. I look in the mirror at my skin, knowing that as a Black woman, the severity of my experience will always be questioned, if taken seriously at all. And if I am believed, my strength might be hailed as valuable and I may even be called heroic, all while my vulnerability and pain goes overlooked.

So, the words that follow in this book will be deliberately vulnerable. I dont want you to see me as strong, even though that is true and something I value. I want you to see me as sensitive and delicate, capable of being harmed, in need of care and attention. I want you to see me as someone who survived, not because of any superhuman abilities, but because of intentionality, timing, will, and good luck. And I want these things because I want you to see survivors this wayas people who have, over time, had their agency removed by someone they love, and who have had to make difficult choices, some you agree with and many you might not, in an effort to reclaim power and reinvent themselves in order to live a full life.

This is not a traditional, triumphant love story as there is no new love at the end of this book. There is only me; I am my triumphant love story. So then, this book, what you will read, is my journey from choosing outwardly to choosing inwardly. Licking my finger, raising it in the air like a weathervane, determining the path of my own emotional winds and moving in the direction of peace. And I hope my journey propels you into a deep, abiding love for yourself. A love that exists even when life is bitter. A love that brings sweetness. A love that invites freedom. And a love that you, in all your power and autonomy, choose for yourself.

I hope that you are your happy ending.

Our first responsibility in the midst of violence is to prevent it from destroying us.

Henri Nouwen

The thing about abuse is that it creeps up on you. Its not a horror film where the villain sneaks up behind you in the night. Its more like a psychological thriller where the quiet, ever-present stock character is ultimately revealed as the orchestrator of chaos. You didnt see them coming.

It can be gradual, in the way that learning is. You start out with a bit of knowledge and, over time, discover more. You notice a few odd behaviors and, over time, they multiply. But by the time they multiply, its too late.

You meet someone, and they take your breath away. Love is beautiful, life is looking super up. You have someone who