Ian Frazier - Lamentations of the Father: Essays

Ad Martinum Lutherum
Doctorem Theologiae
Univ. Wittenberg
Saxonia, Germania

Sextus Februarius A.D. 1519

Fr. Martin, our brother beloved in Christ:

I bring you greetings for your good health from our blessed father, His Holiness Leo X.

His Holiness has instructed me to send you this letter of thanks for your very interesting Ninety-five Theses, which you or perhaps a friend sent to us some months ago. He wishes to apologize for his slowness in replying to this work. He adds that it has a pleasing appearance, is well numbered, and shows the great skill of those who made it. Those new machines for printing that you Germans have built should help you to disseminate such writings widely.

Unfortunately, His Holiness has not yet been able to read through your theses with the care he would wish to give them. I can promise you that Ninety-five Theses is on the table next to his bed, and he will certainly get to it soon. As you know, this is a busy time on our ecclesiastical calendar, and he is required to attend several mystery plays every day. When he lies down in the evening and tries to read, in just a minute or two he has fallen asleep.

In truth, ninety-five theses are really a great many to expect him to read. Perhaps with some excision you could reduce your list to a mere four or five; then he could read them all with not so great an effort.

His Holiness also asks that I wish you good luck in the composition of other writings, in the grace of our Lord,

Michael Rintonius, O.S.A.
Amanuensis

Mr. John Peter Zenger, Esq.
New-York Weekly Journal
Broad Street, New-York City

Monday, September 23d, 1734

My Dear Sir,

As Governour of this fair Colony, I commend you for the Excellence of your Newspaper, justly famed among Citizens of our City for the Regularity of its Publication and the sprightly Contentiousness of its Views.

Tho I am told that it does truculently attack both Myself and Our Sovereign George II, I cannot say this to be true from Reading of it, as I receive all the News of Importance from the Town Crier and so make do without Newspaper at all.

However, please be assured that a big Pile of Journals awaits me still in my study, where I plan to sit down and read through them One by One, Occasion permitting, perhaps after Council adjourns next Spring.

Your most obliged, &c.

Col. William Cosby
Gov. Genl

M. mile Zola
42, rue des Ormes
Paris, France

28 Juin 1898

Mon cher mile,

Jadore JAccuse! I congratulate you on the creation of this wonderful title you have devised for this new novella of yours. JAccusewhat force, what audacity, what conciseness you have managed to convey in a single word printed so boldly there at the top of the page for all to see!

The quick perusal my schedule has so far permitted of your story seems to indicate that it has something to do with a young man in the army. Ahhgood! I have always enjoyed a fascinating war yarn! Although at the moment my wife is holding firmly to our only copy and refuses to give it up on pain of death, nevertheless, when she is finally finished, I anticipate reading it myself with the greatest pleasure.

Please accept the most sincere compliments from both Mme. Faure and myself. With that title alone you have joined the ranks of the immortals!

With greatest admiration,

Flix Faure
Prsident de la Rpublique

To: All Writers, Journalists, Editors, and
Publishers of the U.S.S.R.
From: The Peoples Commissariat for Internal
Affairs (N.K.V.D.)

12 August 193

Comrades:

We officers and other workers of the N.K.V.D. join in unanimous praise to you for the remarkably large number of books, newspapers, magazines, privately circulated typewritten documents, and other works you have produced during the preceding year. We can tell that an absolutely enormous amount of labor must have gone into them. They look beautiful. Well done!

If you saw the enormous heaps of writings we have down here at the Lubyanka, you would understand why we cannot say for certain that we will be able to read everything in the near future, especially because we have only recently received a shipment of new Deanna Durbin films, which we must first screen. Unavoidably, it might take us quite a while to get back to youat the rate we are going, perhaps even decades. We regret this extreme delay, and assure you that it does not reflect on the quality of your work, which is no doubt excellent.

From the desk of
A. R. KHOMEINI, Imam

11 Safar A.H . 1409

Salman

Satanic looks great. They did a tremendous job on the cover, didnt they? You must be thrilled.

I cant wait to dive into it (its as thick as four Korans!), and its driving me crazyheres what my week looks like: Ive got the big party for the death of the Shah tomorrow night, then I spend two days racing around meeting the guys who flagellate themselves, then I have to judge a Jimmy Carter look-alike contest. And on and on.

If I dont have a chance to read your book right away, youll forgive, yes? I give you my word I will do my absolute best to read it as soon as I can. Next vacation to Mecca, at the latest. Or else Ill bring it with me on the red-eye, next trip to Paris. Truly, I can sense already that this book is a creation of genius. In a strange way, I feel so in tune with it, its as if I hardly have to read it for real.

Death to Bush or whoever, and kisses all around,

Ruhi