Jennifer Rosen - The Cork Jesters Guide to Wine: An Entertaining Companion for Tasting It, Ordering It and Enjoying It

PRAISE FOR Jennifer Rosen

I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats .

~ Darryl Roberts, Publisher, Wine X magazine

As always, witty and informative. Pithy. You are such a talented writer!

~ Bruce Cameron, Author; 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

An amazing writer. I love these columns. Brilliantly written, edgy viniferal-infused prose on the wine industry as we know it. Im a total fan.

~ Bob Guccione, Jr.

Witty and entertaining. I remain a devoted and admiring reader

~ Allen Meadows / Burghound.com

Terrific, very funny.

~ Leonardo Locascio / Winebow Imports

Damn youre good

~ Terry Theise / Food & Wine magazines 2005 Importer of the Year

Comic intent is clear; chock full of info as well. And I love her penchant for bluntnesstotally wacked. Chotzi [Rosen] tackles lots of topics wine lovers care about, and she does so with real zing.

~ Tish / Wine for All

You write REALLY well. Im very impressed. You are very funny!

~ Jan Eliot / Stone Soup Cartoons

Very, very witty, and you certainly know a lot too; I learned a few things that I hadnt known before. I am glad I am on your mail list!

~ Bill St. John / Wine Educator

Yet again you made my day. I came to the office with a bad mood this morningbut reading your column made me laugh out loud. THIS is a way of making the worldwell, at least my room at the German Wine Institutea better place.

~ Steffen Schindler / German Wine Institute

Congratulations!! You have been bestowed with the title of Champagne Pannier Wine Author of the Year 2005. With a plethora of distinguished authors whose works resound with such pertinence and aplomb competing, it was a difficult choice. I think the tipping point was the award committees understanding the difference between wanting and deserving recognition. Bravo.

~ Terence Kenny / Director Export, Champagne Pannier

I just love this funny, witty, irreverent, refreshing book! My mentor, Lucio Sorr, always said that wine has one purposeto give pleasure. I thank you for taking that philosophy to the nth degree.

~ Sharron McCarthy / Vice President Banfi Vintners Wine Education

You are simply hilarious. Love your writing. No wonder you won the Beard. Love the way your mind works. You teach people about wine the same way I teach them about food. Arent we lucky to do something so fun. Keep it up, kid. Youre the real deal.

~ Linda West Eckhardt, James Beard Award winner for radio and cookbooks, Julia Child Award winner for cookbooks

The Cork Jesters Guide to Wine

COPYRIGHT 2006 BY JENNIFER ROSEN

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any fashion, print, facsimile, or electronic, or by any method yet to be developed, without express permission of the copyright holder.

For further information, contact the publisher at

CLERISY PRESS

306 Greenup Street

Covington, KY 41011

Edited by ANGELA HOXSEY

Cover and interior designed by STEPHEN SULLIVAN

Jester illustration by KARI LEHR, BIRCH DESIGN STUDIOS

Author photos :

FORD STOCKTON MCCLAVE

DENVER, CO USA 303-394-3673

Distributed by PUBLISHERS GROUP WEST

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Id like to thank:

Nick Selvy , for research, list work and adding delight to my life.

Maria Cote and Mike Rudeen, my Rocky Mountain News editors, who kick my procrastinating ass every week but never fire me.

Jessica Yerega, who helped wrangle a bunch of ornery columns into one corral.

Angela Hoxsey, editor extraordinaire, who knows wine as well as words.

Eric Orange of Localwineevents.com, for delivering readers, plus hes always bugging me to push his site in print so maybe this will shut him up.

Richard Hunt, for plucking me out of the self-publishing ghetto and making an honest writer of me.

Lane Steinberg, for his hallucinogenic haiku.

Monty Jorgensen, whose fabulous website design nets me ten marriage proposals a day.

Marilyn Ross, for inspiration, organization and a terrific contract.

Ted Dewald, who never misses a column and raises hell when I do.

Don Peters: Yo, Don, I said court jester. But dont ever get your hearing fixed.

Jean-Nol Fourmeaux, who handles what Im hopeless at and is always there for me, no matter how hard I make it.

Readers who email: I keep every word, praise or vitriol. You teach, energize and inspire me. Dont ever stop!

And most of all:

To my father Blair

Who taught me:

You dont ever have to grow up and get serious.

Blair Chotzinoff

19262005

Play in Peace

Introduction

ILL BE HONEST WITH YOU. I cant simplify wine. Frankly, wine is complicated, and gets more so every day. I can hardly keep up with all the new wineries and regions. Daily, people ask, What do you think of the new Wasted Walrus Pinot Blanc? And I have no idea what theyre talking about.

But everyone insists wine is simple. Dont worry about ratings, they say, just drink what you like. But youre no dummy. You wouldnt order Blue Nun in front of the boss, no matter how much you loved it.

Americans need to start viewing wine as an everyday beverage, claim producers. Then, on the back label they write, Pairs well with truffled oxen snout in finnberry reduction on a bed of flaked Andalusian taro. Sure. Every Thursday.

The front label is even worse. But winemakers refuse to see the problem. Reading a Moravian label is easy! they say. Just three quality levels, ten regions and four grapes. Anyone can learn that! Yeah, anyone who plans to spend the rest of his life in Moravia.

They dont factor in learning those simple rules for all the countries on the planet. They dont realize that just locating the Moravian aisle at Wine-a-Rama can be a major expedition involving tents, compass and handheld GPS. (Safety note: Always inform a buddy before going in.)

Price is another bed of quicksand. Do big bucks guarantee quality, or just brand you as a sucker? How come that $200 Chteau Humpty-Dump left you cold, while your $6.99 Shiraz was delicious?

Even more slippery is that wine is a living creature. You never know what lurks under that cork. Many wines go through puberty, like adorable children morphing into repulsive, sullen adolescents. Pour that Riesling you adored in December today, and instead of exuberant fruit you get attitude: Fine, youre going to pour me. Like I care.

Then theres wine talk; a tortured, arcane lingo that seems designed to keep you out of the club. You might well decide its a bunch of pretentious mumbo jumbo for snobs, and you dont need it. Or you might become a snob, shoring up your shaky confidence with ratings, prices and exclusive allocations.

But theres another approach. Sure we all swig sometimes, but what separates wine from apple juice and root beer is the possibility of going so much deeper. You can discover chemistry, agriculture, marketing, politics, history, psychology and geology, all in one glass. Not to mention romance and passion. Wine lovers all speak of their First Time, a quasi-spiritual moment of awakening to wines wonderment. After that, its a life sentence. Ive seen it happen to even the most confirmed beer sluggers.

Take Ted Dewald, a staunch suds man, ex-military and tough as nails. Despite reading my columns for years, he continues to cling proudly to his vintage-idiot status. All that vinous gobblety-gook is for touchy-feely artistes, not coarse Neanderthals such as him. Then, the other day, after a bottle of Petite Sirah, he writes me this: