Augusten Burroughs - Take Five: Four Favorite Essays Plus One Never-Been-Seen Essay

It was a low point in my career when I found myself as the sole copywriter on the Junior Mints account.

The concern is, the account executive explained, growth. How do we grow this business? Because our consumer research shows, people have a mint threshold. And theyre just not willing to cross it. He frowned when he said this. Worry was etched on his forehead. Poverty, global warming, the threat of terrorism. I wanted to laugh. And then scream and punch my eardrums out with pens.

I hadnt been on the account for one week and already the phrase mint threshold was being bandied about. This was, I felt, a bad omen.

I was in the first of what would be many Junior Mints meetings. Far more meetings than one would expect of a product that is eaten entirely in the dark.

Movie theaters, obviously are very important, consumption-wise, the client said, as though ticking off items on a list. And But then he stopped. Having apparently reached the end of his list. Well, what Im saying is that moviegoers are a primary target for us.

And I thought, Youre paying a Madison Avenue advertising agency countless millions of dollars a year to tell you this? Dont you already know this?

He added hurriedly, as though just remembering, And Halloween. He smiled. Yeah, cant forget Halloween. Thats a real big one for us. Real big.

Oh yes, I thought. Must not forget Halloween.

In fairness, the client appeared nice enough. A tall man with red hair and a pencil mustache, he had kind eyes. While not what I would call a dynamic leader, at least he wasnt bitter and outwardly hostile, the way many clients could be. He was polite. This was saying a lot.

Once, a client told me to imagine his product in a brand-new way, in order to energize the brand. Think of it as a dick. And make people want to suck it.

The Junior Mints brand manager was a relief after that.

But still there were concerns. So one thing does really worry us, he said.

I wondered if this was not, in fact, why he had been hired by Junior Mints in the first place. What better career for a worrier than as the marketing manager of a lackluster candy brand? How do we deal with this mint threshold issue? Because if it truly cant be crossed, well, that would seem like big trouble and maybe our sales goals arent realistic and need to be adjusted. Except Im not in a position to revise those sales goals. So somehow, we have to meet them. If its at all possible. Somehow, weve got to get people across that mint threshold.

The account executive said, We will find a way! He displayed a pumped energy and enthusiasm that collided with the worry and dread hovering in the air. The result was lightning in the form of Absolutely! and This is going to be exciting! comments from around the table. And, just as after a thunderstorm, there was a sense of relief, a decompression.

The Junior Mints man smiled for the first time and leaned back in his chair. He glanced down at his hands, noticed they were clenched into fists, and then stretched his fingers over the arm of the chair. He said, Maybe I will have a little coffee, after all.

Later, in my office, I discussed the project with my art director, Ann.

So what can we do for dusty old Junior Mints? she asked.

Well, I guess we could do something with the name.

Oh yeah, she said. Thats a good idea. Thats what we should do. Pretty much, thats all we can do.

We could take the name and visually illustrate it. Perhaps we could build a campaign around Junior. Or Mints. Or even just mint. I said, Refresh mint. Know what I mean?

Got it, she said. Thats what well do. Well do a montage spot. So, like, well see somebody in a convertible reach into the glove compartment and pull out a box of Junior Mints. Then well have a super over it that reads, compart mint. And then maybe well show somebody on a beach. She paused. Or maybe not a beach because the chocolate melts. But maybe on a roller coaster. And they pull a box out of their pocket. Maybe a kid pulls a box out of his pocket.

And I said, Yeah. Excite mint.

Yup, she said.

And well just take it totally out of the movie theater environment, because they already own that.

Ann added, Or maybe we could do one. Like, at the end of each spot. We could always end in a movie theatre and say

And together we said: Entertain mint.

We began laughing hysterically. We hunched over, clutching our stomachs and gasping for breath. It was as though we had been told the funniest joke in the history of the world that, for safety reasons, had not been revealed until now. We were laughing because the idea was so stupid and obvious and we had finally hit rock-bottom and were full advertising whores. Ninety seconds, I said, finally catching my breath.

Damn, were fast. She blotted her eyes with a tissue.

Lets go to a movie, I said.

Okay, she said. And then, Whats today? Tuesday?

Yeah, I said.

Okay, so then what do you think? Well show the account people ideas on Thursday?

No, I said. Well tell them on Thursday that were close but need the weekend.

Okay, thats good. Well show them Monday.

Yeah. But we should have a couple of other ideas that they can kill.

She said, Exactly.

Just then, one of the account executives came into our office. Hey, you guys. Then he smirked. Why are your faces red? What, do you have a suntan lamp in here or something?

Nothing, Ann said. So whats going on?

I just spoke with the client. And he said theyd like you to tour the factory.

The pleasant, professional expressions on our faces froze in place. Touring a clients factory was akin to spending the afternoon with the parents of the worlds ugliest baby and being forced to endure eight hours of home movies.

Really? I asked. Because I dont know that we really need to see the manufacturing process. I think its a pretty straightforward brief.

The account executive said, Well, technically we dont have a strategy yet, so you have nothing to execute against. So the thinking is, well tour the factory tomorrow. Then well create an advertising strategy by Thursday. Client will sign off on Monday. And you guys will then work and have things for Wednesday.

I pointed out that this gave us two days to create the advertising.

Yeah, he acknowledged. I know, the timing kind of sucks.

But we all knew it didnt really matter. Because wed start working immediately and wouldnt even glance at their strategy. We all knew that there would only be so many ways to skin this mint cat.

The Junior Mints factory was in Cambridge, just outside Boston. Home of Harvard University and M.I.T.

Our client met us at the front door of the huge building. Its really nice that you could come. I think youll find it very helpful.

We smiled and agreed that it would be very helpful indeed.

But once we got onto the actual factory floor, it became immediately clear that a factory campaign was not to be in Junior Mints future. Sometimes, if a company has a particularly unique factory, its interesting to show the inner workings. Like, if a car is truly handcrafted, you might want to show the craftspeople stitching the leather. Often, when all else has failed, a creative team can present a factory campaign to a client and it will be bought, simply because it features so much footage of the product and often many of the actual employees.