Augusten Burroughs - Sellevision

sellevision

This novel is a work of fiction. The characters, companies, and television stations portrayed in this novel are entirely fictional, with the exception of certain actual persons, television stations, or companies that appear in the novel and are used fictitiously. All events and conversations depicted in the book, including those involving actual persons, television stations, or companies, are entirely the product of the authors imagination.

SELLEVISION . Copyright 2000 by Augusten Burroughs. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Design by Kathryn Parise

ISBN 0-312-26772-X

First Edition: September 2000

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Acknowledgments

M y deepest (and I can be deep) gratitude to Jennifer Enderlin and everyone at St. Martins Press who laughed. Love and thanks to: Suzanne, Mark, Pick, Lona, Jon, Margaret, John Elder, Mary, Judy, John, and Jack. Special thanks to Christopher Schelling. In memory of Pighead.

one

Y ou exposed your penis on national television, Max. What am I supposed to do?

I didnt expose it, Howard, it just sort of peeked out .

It peeked out during the Toys for Tots segment in front of twenty million viewers, many of whom were, not surprisingly, children . Its twenty-four hours later and were still receiving faxes. The phone lines were so jammed last night that no one could get through to place orders. Plus Ive got every mother in the country threatening child-abuse lawsuits.

Howard Toast, the executive producer of the Sellevision Retail Broadcasting Network, glared at the show host who was sitting in a black leather chair on the opposite side of his large glass desk. Behind Max and facing Howard, a bank of television monitors silently played live broadcasts of Sellevision, QVC, and the Home Shopping Network as well as broadcasts from the other three B-class networks.

Howard leaned forward and said quietly, Jesus fucking Christ, Maxwell. This isnt the Playboy channel, its Sellevision .

Max ran his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit. Look, I was wearing a bathrobe, it was Slumber Sunday Sundown. We were all wearing bathrobes.

Howards normally placid, waspy features contorted with frustration. A vein on his temple pulsed. Max, the other hosts werent naked under their bathrobes. Its justwell, theres no excuseseven-year-old children and their mothers just should not know that youre uncircumcised. He took four Advil from the bottle on his desk and washed them down with cold coffee. I mean, this could be worse than that Cuban raft-boy thing.

Max wiped his hands on his slacks. Look, Im sorry, it was an accident. I already told you, Miguel knocked my latte over onto my lap in the dressing room while he was doing my makeup. What was I supposed to do, wear soaking wet boxers? Cmon, man, I had less than four minutes before I had to go on air, I had no choice.

Howard straightened the stapler on his desk. You should have borrowed Miguels underwear, he said angrily.

Miguel is Hispanic . He doesnt wear underwear. Besides, thats a disgusting thought, even if he did.

Not as disgusting as showing your dick to families all across America while theyre sitting down to eat dinner.

Max rolled his eyes. Jesus, Howard, you make it sound like I did it on purpose. Like Im some kind of exhibitionist or something.

Howard leaned back in his chair, sighed, and looked up at the ceiling. There was a silence between them, and Max glanced over at the executive golf-putting toy in the corner of the office. Howard leaned forward and placed both hands on the desk, palms up, like he had nothing left to offer. Max, Im very sorry this had to happen, but if I put you back on air, Ill lose my job, the station will be boycottedas it is, youre just lucky your penis didnt make the cover of USA Today .

Max leaned in, blinking. So what are you telling me? Youre saying, what, that Im fired? Is that what youre telling me?

Howard nodded his head solemnly. Yes, Max, Im afraid were going to have to let you go. Theres no way we can let you back on the air after this, just no way.

Maxs hands flew up. I cant believe youre firing me over this.

Im sorry, Max, I really am. Ive got a few friends over at QVC and the Home Shopping Network, I could give them a call, see if theyre looking for anybody. But you might have to start off doing the overnight. And if worse comes to worst, theres alwayshe shifted his gaze toward one of the television monitors that was currently displaying an electric egg scramblerthe E-Z Shop Channel.

I cant fucking believe this, Max said, slumping in his chair, letting his mouth fall open.

Max, Americas premier retail broadcasting network simply cannot be associated with a controversy of this... magnitude .

Oh, well, gee, I guess I should take that as a compliment, Max said sarcastically.

Its not funny, Maxwell. Its sad, is what it is. Its very sad that you were so careless. Youre a good host. But you crossed a line and, well, there are consequences.

Max left the office, mortified as security personnel accompanied him while he collected the possessions in his office, and then escorted him out of the building like a sex offender.

P

eggy Jean Smythe sat in her office, reading an E-mail a viewer had sent her. Because of her high-profile time slots as a Sellevision host, she received dozens of E-mails each day. She normally responded with a standard forwarded thank-you letter. But if an E-mail was particularly flattering she would sometimes respond personally with one or two lines.

The reason viewers loved Peggy Jean was because they could relate to her. She often spoke of her three boys, four if you count my hubby. She was a working mom and a good Christian woman who often hosted Jewelry of Faith programs, which featured crucifix cufflinks and Star of David money clips, both of which she presented with equal pride. She was attractiveblond hair worn in a short but full style, blue eyes, fair skin. Her roundish face seemed approachable and trustworthy. She was highly polished, yet friendly and accessible. Peggy Jean knew all of this to be true, because she had seen the consumer research. In fact, she had personally attended many of the focus groups.

Peggy Jean, did you hear? About Max, I mean? Amanda asked, standing in Peggy Jeans doorway.

Peggy Jean turned dramatically in her chair to face the young woman. Of course I heard, and I think its exactly the right thing to do.

You dont think its a little too severe? I mean, just dropping him like that? asked the associate producer.

Peggy Jean smiled the exact smile she often wore for viewers while hosting a vacuum-cleaner showcase or one of the monthly Easy Wear 18K Gold specials. She touched the lapel of her jacket. Well, of course Im sorry for Max, as I would be for any human being facing an adverse situation. But when God closes a door, Amanda, He opens a window. Peggy Jean looked up at the suspended ceiling. He must have other plans in store for our Max. Then the smile was gone. And now, Amanda, if you dont mind... I have an awful lot to do.