Burroughs - Runnig with scissors: a memoir

A UGUSTEN B URROUGHS was a child actor in a Tang Instant Breakfast Drink Commercial, It was a small role and did not, as he had expected, lead to a slot on The Brady Bunch or his own variety show. He has no hobbies, interests or skills, other than writing about himself. He lives in New York.

From the international reviews:

If you thought that your family was odd, try this one for size... Running with Scissors is hilarious: Adrian Mole scripted by Hieronymus Bosch. You couldnt make this up. You find yourself laughing like a drain at each surreal event and Burroughs deadpan asides... When life is this awful you have to laugh or go under. Luckily Burroughs has a talent for laughter. Fiona Hook, The Times

It is impossible not to laugh at all the jokes; to admire the sardonic, fetid tone; to wonder, slack-jawed and agog, at the sheer looniness of the vista he conjures up. What Burroughs has given us is the Brady Bunch on Viagra: just listen to all those manmade fibres crackle. Call me twisted but, I cannot wait for the next in the series. Rachel Cooke, Observer

Augusten Burroughs is Judy Garland in A Star is Born, or Eminem in 8 Mile another poor winner from nowhere, validated and transfigured, living the Dream. Lewis Jones, Daily Telegraph

Running with Scissors is in every positive sense I can think of a blast... Augusten Burroughs is a likeable and wry narrator, and a born writer... So, if you thought The Ice Storm showed how messed up the liberated 1970s were, think again. In the world of horrific and self-amazed childhood memoirs, Running with Scissors sets a new standard. Lynne Truss, Sunday Times

The memoir tradition isnt famed for its belly laughs but Augusten Burroughss account of growing up, Running with Scissors, is Dave Pelzer with a whoopee cushion attached. Burroughs starts out with an uninterested father and a mad mother. So hes packed off to live with his mothers shrink, but the shrink is nuts too. Part harrowing, part hilarious, the tale barrels along helped by snippy dialogue and oddball characters... genuinely memorable. Top 50 Cultural Events of the Season, Observer

Funnier and more alarming that any memoir in recent history... In the hands of Burroughs, a spirit of upbeat geniality emerges so that his family episodes become Readers Digest episodes from hell, filled with honesty, hilarity and horror. Christopher Fowler, Independent on Sunday

A remarkable autobiography... achingly funny and terrifyingly cruel. Sally Morris, Sunday Mirror

An exceptionally fine memoir of an extraordinary upbringing... a shocking, passionate, hilarious, compelling, at times scatological and ultimately redemptive book. John McTernan, Scotland on Sunday

The hilarious but harrowing memoir of Augusten Burroughs, raised by crazy parents and an insane psychiatrist 5 Best Debuts for 2003, Observer Magazine

A frank account of an unusual and harrowing upbringing... Powerful Herald

Augusten Burroughss bawdy, irreverent account of his bizarre American upbringing charts the ultimate in flamboyant dysfunction. Irish Times

A darkly comic memoir Vogue

Gripping like a car crash, and just as painful, * * * * * Marie Claire

Deftly written, smart and funny... Running with Scissors is a story so strange it could never be fiction GQ

Twisted, hilarious and relentlessly bizarre... Running with Scissors single-handedly redefines the term fucked-up childhood Sleazenation

Burroughs will be hard pressed ever to better this, his debut effort... Its one youll never forget Time Out

An incredibly moving memoir, but also at times jawdroppingly funny. One to definitely savour Whats on in London

Bawdy, outrageous, often hilarious... so flippant, and so insanely funny (quite literally), that the effect is that of a William Burroughs situation comedy Janet Maslin, New York Times

Hilarious, freaky-deaky, berserk, controlled, transcendent, touching, affectionate, vengeful, all-embracing... Amazing Carolyn See, Washington Post

Hilarious and horrifying... the nuttiness of the goings-on described in this memoir seem to exemplify the adage: truth is stranger than fiction Merle Rubin, Los Angeles Times

The events of five years in the life of Augusten Burroughs, as recounted in a memoir that is both horrifying and mordantly funny, are so unbelievable, they make even the most outrageous episode of The Jerry Springer Show seem rational by comparison. Running With Scissors just might be the most aptly titled book ever written. David Wiegand, San Francisco Chronicle

Augusten Burroughss memoir makes you laugh, because its as funny as it is twisted GQ (US)

A witty and vivacious account of a wildly unconventional childhood... vivid and entertaining Mandy Sayer, Sydney Morning Herald

Jaw-dropping, often hilarious, and always engaging Catherine Keenan, Sun Herald

Sharp and irreverent... insightful, genuinely funny and often disturbing Mary Philip, Courier-Mail

This is a memoir brilliantly executed, with writing that glows James Macgowan, Ottawa Citizen

A MEMOIR

Augusten Burroughs

First published in 2002 in the United States of America by
St. Martins Press, New York.

First published in Great Britain in 2003 by Atlantic Books,
an imprint of Grove Atlantic Ltd.

This paperback edition published by Atlantic Books in 2004.

Copyright Augusten Burroughs 2002

The moral right of Augusten Burroughs to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book. Authors note: The names and other identifying characteristics of the persons included in this memoir have been changed.

3 5 7 9 8 6 4

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

1 84354 151 3
eBook ISBN: 978 0 85789 352 9

Printed in Great Britain by Mackays of Chatham Ltd
Atlantic Books
An imprint of Grove Atlantic Ltd
Ormond House
2627 Boswell Street
London WC1N 3JZ

For

Dennis Pilsits

Look for the ridiculous in everything

and you will find it.

Jules Renard, 1890

M Y MOTHER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR smelling polished and ready; like Jean Nat, Dippity Do and the waxy sweetness of lipstick. Her white, handgun-shaped blow-dryer is lying on top of the wicker clothes hamper, ticking as it cools. She stands back and smoothes her hands down the front of her swirling, psychedelic Pucci dress, biting the inside of her cheek.

Damn it, she says, something isnt right.

Yesterday she went to the fancy Chopping Block salon in Amherst with its bubble skylights and ficus trees in chrome planters. Sebastian gave her a shag.

That hateful Jane Fonda, she says, fluffing her dark brown hair at the crown. She makes it look so easy. She pinches her sideburns into points that accentuate her cheekbones. People have always said she looks like a young Lauren Bacall, especially in the eyes.

I cant stop staring at her feet, which she has slipped into treacherously tall red patent-leather pumps. Because she normally lives in sandals, its like shes borrowed some other ladys feet. Maybe her friend Lydias feet. Lydia has teased black hair, boyfriends and an above-ground pool. She wears high heels all the time, even when shes just sitting out back by the pool in her white bikini, smoking menthol cigarettes and talking on her olive-green Princess telephone. My mother only wears fancy shoes when shes going out, so Ive come to associate them with a feeling of abandonment and dread.