Winifred Coles - The Art of the Put-Down

Heres Ben Elton! Frankie Boyle, comedian, on television show Mock the Week [The television is] an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldnt have in your home. David Frost, television personality, comedian and journalist My biggest regret in life is saving David Frost from drowning. Peter Cook, comedian Taking your clothes off, doing sexy dancing and marrying a rich footballer must be very gratifying, your mother must be so proud. Lily Allen, singer, to Cheryl Cole, singer and television presenter That guy would bottle your pee and sell it for a fiver. Ringo Starr, musician, on novelist and politician Jeffrey Archer A suicidal, silicone-breasted, bleached-blonde, 40-year-old mother of four, adulterous spawn of Hughie Green and a Bluebell Girl, with a dead boyfriend, an even deader career and a habit of being sick into her handbag at parties. Julie Burchill, writer and newspaper columnist, on Paula Yates, ex-wife of Bob Geldof and partner of the late INXS singer Michael Hutchence This deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, scent-impregnated, chromium-plated, luminous, quivering, giggling, fruit-flavoured, mincing, ice-covered heap of mother love William Connor, writing as newspaper columnist Cassandra , on entertainer Liberace in the Daily Mirror Shes as dim as a light bulb in a power cut.

Sharon Osbourne on Australian singer Dannii Minogue The man who wears his hair back to front. Comedian Frankie Howard on David Frost Jeffrey Archer has issued a strenuous denial as good as a signed confession really! Des Lynam, television presenter You make the Queen sound rough. Paul Merton, comedian, to posh-speaking art critic Brian Sewell Like Anne Robinson in a Korean restaurant. Its dog eat dog. Graham Norton, comedian and television presenter Like the Queen, only grander. Alison Pearson, novelist and journalist, on charity campaigner and model Heather Mills Heather Mills is a liar.

I wouldnt be surprised if we found out shes actually got two legs. Jonathan Ross, talk-show host Poor old Kate Moss. Looks like shes reached the end of the line. Luckily shes got another seven chopped out already. Jonathan Ross If Cher has another facelift shell be wearing a beard. Jennifer Saunders, actor, writer and comedian Not satire, but name-dropping.

He writes like a man who wishes he were invited to more parties. Writer, Paul Theroux, on writer and critic Clive James I didnt realise she had facial hair, I couldnt get past the Gene Wilder wig. Sharon Osbourne on Britains Got Talent winner Susan Boyle Most comedians arent funny in real life. Take Jennifer shes so boring if you meet her. Her natural state is flatlining. Ruby Wax, comedian, on Jennifer Saunders Is it true that you make your own yoghurt you get a pint of milk and stare at it? Ted Robbins, comedian and broadcaster, to journalist and television presenter Anne Robinson Is there any beginning to your talents? Clive Anderson, television presenter, to Jeffrey Archer Simon Cowell, judging a group on X Factor : Contestant: I always thought you were such a wonderful man.