Annette Gisby - New Zealand with a Hobbit Botherer

New Zealand

with a Hobbit Botherer

by

John Gisby and starring

Annette Gisby as THB

Cover Design by James

GoOnWrite.com

Smashwords Edition, LicenseNotes

This ebook is licensed for yourpersonal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or givenaway to other people. If you would like to share this book withanother person, please purchase an additional copy for each personyou share it with. If youre reading this book and did not purchaseit, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you shouldreturn to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you forrespecting the hard work of this author.

New Zealand with A Hobbit Botherer

Smashwords Ebook edition

John Gisby/Annette Gisby 2013

ISBN: 9781452310039

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

No part of this book may be produced in anyform,

by photocopying or by any electronic ormechanical means,

including information storage or retrievalsystems,

without permission in writing from both thecopyright

owner and the publisher of this book, exceptfor the

minimum words needed for review.

To Annette,

with all my love.

Thanks for not laughing when I said I wasgoing to write a book.

Its OK to laugh when you read it

Thanks also

to Edie and Jack,

to JRR Tolkien for The Book,

to Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and PhilippaBoyens for The Movies

and

to the People of New Zealand for theirHospitality.

See you again soon!

CONTENTS

Prologue I Had A Dream

1 Auckland Hoops But No Rings

2 MatamataCalm Down, It s Only A SheepPaddock

3 Rotorua Hongi And Hangi

4 NapierWhere s All The Art Deco Gone?

5 Wai-O-Tapu A Woman Who Turns Out To Be AGeyser

6 Tongariro Going For A Tramp

7 Wellington A Beehive And AChocolate Fish

8 North to South Sounds Of GreenLipped Mussels

9 Nelson Knob Jokes And WearableArt

10 Greymouth New ZealandsG-Spot

11 The Glaciers Tears Of TheAvalanche Girl

12 Wanaka Making The BabyElephant

13 Queenstown Thats No Good,Its Australian

14 Queenstown The Lord Of TheRings Bathroom

15 Te Anau Thousands Of Pinpricks ofLight

16 Milford SoundA Bird With A RubberFetish

17 The Catlins A Surveyor With A Sense OfHumour

18 Dunedin Get Your Albatross Here

19 Aoraki Flour And Water

20 Christchurch A Hillock In The Middle OfNowhere

Epilogue Another Dream

Glossary ForPeople Who Think Lord of the Rings is an aristocratic jeweller

PROLOGUE: LONDON

I Had A Dream

Have you everhad the dream where you find yourself at a party dressed in nothingbut your underwear? No not that dream. Not that kindof party. I mean the one where all the other guests, draped indesigner labels (and remaining so throughout) whisper smuglyamongst themselves, falling silent as you approach. You only catchsnippets of what they are saying, Has he no shame? Y fronts areso pass, Did you see the size of it? and so on. Eventually youget so fed up that you make for the kitchen to fetch a knife...(Ignore the last sentence if youre not in the habit of watchingreruns of The Shining and Psycho on TV just before fallingasleep).

Well thistale begins with a similar dream. The guests are dressed ascharacters from Lord of theRings, the scraps of earwiggedconversation include questions such as, What was the man doingwith the carrot in Bree? Who was the horse department assistantfor The Return of theKing, and Why did they leave out TomBombadil from the book? but yes, I am still in my underwear. Illforgive you if you dont wish to dwell on that image forlong.

At first Iassume it s a party for cast and crew, sonaturally I begin a search for Liv Tyler, Cate Blanchett andMiranda Otto. (Note to my wife. This is a dream. I would never,ever seek out these women at a party in real life, even if theywere in their underwear too. By the way dont you think my nose wasshorter yesterday?) Two things convince me that this assumption iswrong. Firstly, there is no Liv, no Cate and no Miranda. Nor forthat matter any other performers I recognise from the movies. Secondly the Dwarves seem to be rather tootall, the Rohirrim rather too rotund and the Elves, it has to besaid, rather too ugly to have featured in the movies.

My conclusionabout the elves may of course be coloured by the fact that one of their number, sporting a singleprosthetic ear, insists on glaring at me suspiciously as I tackle aparticularly chewy and rather misshapen mini pitta bread I havediscovered on the buffet table.

My second assumption is that it must be aconvention of some kind for fans of the movies. That is close...but still no cigar.

The truth isfinally revealed at the sound of a horn, as a man with a shinysilver bucket on his head encourages Elves, Wizards, Hobbits,Uruk-hai, Orcs, Rangers, Dwarves, Rohirrim, Gondorians andExhibitionists (glances at yours truly) to sit in a large circle.Briefly I worry that a man-flesh barbecue is planned and that Ihave been invited along to provide the man-flesh - the Uruk-hai dolook rather hungry - but then a cheery-looking tousle-hairedcharacter in shorts, tee shirt and owlish spectacles steps forward(so Im not the only one to shun designer clothes from the House ofHobbit). A badge announces the mans name is Jack Peterson. He hasthe demeanour of a bloke incharge.

Wilcum ivryone to Hubbit Butherer sAnonymous, he says in a New Zealand accent not easily reproducedon the printed page.

Immediatelyan Elf in a tight fitting blue shirt and black slacks rises fromhis seat and leaves, pausing only to mutter irritably at a posterproclaiming Star Trek Fan Club- Next Week hanging by the door.

I see we hiva new mimber prisunt. Perhups he would like to begin the miting bytilling us why he is hir.

I look around to catch a glimpse at the poorunfortunate whos been singled out and find everyone else catchinga glimpse of me. What can I possibly say of interest to a Mordor ofHobbit botherers? (Its a murder of crows, why not a Mordor ofHobbit botherers?)

Finally andtentatively I volunteer, I have seen The Return of the King fourtimes

This is the truth. The first time I wastotally captivated, enthralled by the story. The second time Iadmired the beautiful landscapes, the acting, the seamless specialeffects. The third time I began to get picky, wondering why therewas no blood and guts on the bottom of the oliphaunts feet whenthey lifted them up after trampling people to death, why Legolasnever ran out of arrows and eventually if the movie was showing ona loop which meant it would never end.

The fourth time was some months after theinitial release. A local independent cinema was showing thecomplete trilogy in one day. It made an excellent Valentines daysurprise for my wife and I was able to surreptitiously catch up onsome sleep before enjoying a well deserved reward later in theevening and on into the night.

In the dream I think four times is quiteimpressive (seeing the film!) but my fellow members of the circleclearly do not. There are mutterings of Fraud! Fraud! and Noteven double figures! A group of Uruk-hai in the shadows at theback begin to fire up a barbecue.

With just ahint of desperation I continue, ...but Iknow someone who has seen it twenty-seven times, bought all theDVDs, cinema and extended versions, and even read SeanAstin s book There and Back Again - morethan once. This is clearly moreimpressive, though there are still a few cries of, A friend, yes of course, and He s in denial. So I have to comeclean.

Okay.That someone is my wife, Annette. Shes taken to collecting DVDs ofany films with Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom or Viggo Mortenson inthem after seeing them in Lord of the Rings. She evenclaims that The Calcium Kid is a watchablemovie!

At themention of Mr. Bloom several of the younger female elves sink tothe floor in a faint, sighing OoohOrlando, and have to be revived bybringing one of the Rohirrim close by so they catch a nose-tinglingwhiff of horse manure.