Mary Lynn Rajskub - FAME-ISH: My Life at the Edge of Stardom

Copyright 2022 Mary Lynn Rajskub

Cover 2022 Abrams

The names and identifying characteristics of some individuals have been changed.

Published in 2022 by Abrams Press, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021949383

ISBN: 9781-419754791
eISBN: 9781-647002992

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Things have really changed, I thought as I drove my parents Ford Explorer down Allen Road in Trenton, Michigan, in 2014. My mother had a sweatshirt made that read, IM CHLOE OBRIANS MOM !, in reference to the character I played on the wildly popular show 24. She wanted the world to know. I had been on Late Show with David Letterman and in GQ, had visited the White House, and People listed me as One of the Worlds Most Beautiful People. I had worked with tons of famous people and been in many TV shows and movies. I had made it!

Fifteen years prior, when I first started acting on TV, I remember my sister telling the cashier at Kroger, Shes famous! I was mortified.

The cashier stared at us, like, What the fuck are you talking about?

Dont you recognize her?

No.

My sister put the cashier in her place. Shes on Veronicas Closet on NBC!

I wanted to disappear into an automatic trap door in the floor. This isnt how I was supposed to feel. I should be like James Brown or Tom Jones, diamonds on all my fingers, women throwing their underwear at me, Hi, its so nice for you to meet me. Id bow, in my cape and platform shoes, and do a superstar shimmy. Get up off that thang! Watch out, pussycat! Id say. Instead, I looked down and said nothing.

If you dont know who she is, its your loss! Then my sister Kathy cascaded out with an air of superiority as I mouthed, Im sorry to the cashier.

Veronicas Closet was Kirstie Alleys sitcom. She was coming in hot, off her star-making turn on Cheers as the will-they-or-wont-they love interest to Sam Malone. She played the owner of a lingerie shop. I was the androgynous love interest to her assistant, who was a closeted gay man. Progressive story line!

My family wanted to make sure that Trenton knew who I was. I signed a headshot that hangs in Dels Pizzeria, which I have been going to since I was a baby. Everyone was extra proud because where I grew up, people dont leave. Except my other sister who moved to Arizona, and she never heard the end of it. I got a bit of a pass because I got to be in Hollywood, baby! But still, every visit is punctuated with family members asking, When are you visiting again? Im here right now... The truth is, its not really my home anymore. When Im there, it is peaceful, but soon Im ready to go again.

When I was sixteen and new to driving, I remember passing this intersection heading toward the freeway into the great big world out there (which meant downtown Detroit). I would pass Kmart, White Castle, and the truck stop. The truck stop was a place I imagined hanging out in. What if I became a trucker? I could see the world. Id imagine myself at the counter with a coffee, grizzled and wise.

I got the courage to walk in and the actuality of it was depressing and possibly dangerous. They saw me coming from the parking lot in my long-sleeve red Coca-Cola shirt with the white collar and my permed, short hair with the Brian Setzer curl on the middle of my forehead. When I walked through the front door, two truckers, a waitress, and a short-order cook stared at me. I had breached a sacred border; I wasnt allowed in here. I turned around and walked out. Like an American in Europe, I stuck out like a sore thumb. Those midwestern middle-age male truckers couldnt be further removed from the tiny wish of my sixteen-year-old angst-ridden heart. Just like that, my dream of being a trucker was dashed.

Luckily, acting was another way to escape and dream. My theater class was the only thing I liked in high school. Pretending to be someone else was also a means of survival. Being other people in plays and scenes was a way for me to experience emotions, impulses, and desires that I wasnt allowed to indulge in in my real life. If I let my true feelings out, it was just an invitation to be dismissed or hurt. I wasnt about to take that chance. Without acting, I was invisible. I practiced keeping what I wanted and who I was a secret. I would let friends in, or sometimes try with the boys I dated. But the only time I had a sense of full expression was when I was in character. Thats when I was free to let loose and be vulnerable. Very pragmatic of me. I never imagined this coping mechanism would turn into a career. My small steps toward joy, my small wishes became dreams beyond anything I could have hoped for. I never imagined visiting California, let alone making a home and a life there.

In 2014, I was back in Trenton, wearing my dads fleece coat and my moms hat and gloves (like the queen I am) because I refused to invest in winter clothes, on my way to the new Applebees. A Target had replaced the Kmart, and there was now a Panera Bread and an LA Fitnessdevelopments at my home intersection. I settled into a crowded Applebees, by myself.

Ill have a sparkling water, please. The high schoolage server scared me.

We dont have that.

OK...

Sorry, we aint that fancy.

No, thats OK! I said a little too brightly. Ill have a tonic water.

What?

A tonic water? She made a face to show that this request disgusted her. A plain tonic water from the bar? Is that what youre talking about?

Yeah, from the gun. Just... I acted out spraying the gun and made its sound. Im really good at space work, its part of being an improviser.

We have Coke and Sprite.

Thats OK. The tonic water will be fine.

You look like this actress...

Oh really? Thats cool... I demure.

Theres this actress that looks like you, do you know who Im talking about? She couldnt believe the resemblance.

Hmm, Angelina Jolie? I get that sometimes...

The server laughs way too hard. No! Of course not. Youre funny, she said, in a way to let me know I was not funny.

Girl Interrupted Angelina Jolie, you know, drinking tonic water, wearing her dads fleece?!

She was done with me. No. Thats not it. She left me in peace.

A little later, when I was nearing the end of my southwestern grilled chicken quesadilla salad, employees began to pass my table, one by one, pretending not to stare. Some tried to be useful. Are you sure you dont want a refill on that? They back away, giggling, and run over to a busboy and another server to huddle over a phone, google me, and compare online pictures to the real thing. By the time I paid for the check, they knew they had the real deal.