Wayne Mardle - Slinging Arrows: How (not) to be a professional darts player

Wayne Mardle is a retired professional darts player for the Professional Darts Corporation and former player in the British Darts Organisation. He has been known as Hawaii 501 since 2000, a play on the title of the popular television series, Hawaii Five-O, due to the Hawaiian shirts he started wearing in 1998 for a bet, and 501 being the start score of a leg of darts. His dress sense, coupled with his crowd-pleasing onstage activity (such as dancing to the interval music), saw him become one of the most popular players on the circuit.

He now coaches and commentates for Sky.

In memory of my mum.

Miss you. Love you forever.

What a crap year 2020 was.

Picture it: Rhyl, the mid-2000s. Lovable darting bon viveur Wayne Mardle (me) has come to town to take part in a darts exhibition in one of the noted seaside resorts many excellent hostelries. Theres excitement in the air. Ticker-tape parades, an emergency bank holiday to mark the occasion, grown men openly weeping in the street, that sort of thing. Well, maybe not quite that sort of thing, but spirits are definitely high. And Mardle, by this point, has developed something of a reputation: in darting circles hes spoken of in hushed tones as the best double 18 hitter the world has ever seen.

Saturday night rolls around and the exhibition is going well, but as the evening wears on and alcohol has been flowing for some time, theres an interruption.

Go on then, one of the punters suddenly shouts. He walks over to a dartboard and slaps his hand top right, pulling his fingers apart just wide enough to reveal the double 18. If you think youre so good, lets see a double 18 right now.

Lets not do this, Mardle says.

Come on, the other fella roars. Prove how good you are.

Mardle is, understandably, concerned about how this is panning out. I do miss sometimes, our hero says. I dont want to hit you.

Im not moving until you do it.

Someone starts asking Mardle about personal liability insurance, but by this point two hundred people are gathered round, baying for the future world darts almost-champion to work his magic. Theres no way out for Mardle, who has no option but to take his shot. He settles into his stance, draws his wrist back and releases the dart, which smashes straight through the fellas index finger.

The room falls silent, save for the distinctive, elongated howl of a man whose finger is now pinned to the dartboard. He uses his other hand to pull the dart out; he then walks over to Mardle and hands back the dart. As he does so, he offers two words Thanks, Wayne! and a smile. The evening continues.

If youre planning a career in darts, thats the sort of bewildering situation you should be prepared to encounter with alarming frequency. In fact, accidentally popping a dart through a fans hand is one of the more everyday occurrences of life in the darts lane.

Over the years Ive seen things you wouldnt believe. Ive seen Phil Taylors face tattooed on the shoulder of a darts fan. I watched Bobby Georges shirts glitter in the dark at the Circus Tavern. Those moments may be lost in time, but in Slinging Arrows I hope Ill bring you closer than youve ever been, and possibly slightly closer than you might ever have wanted, to the true experience of life as an international darting specialist. In the following pages youll find:

Tips on how to compete against any opponent, from your local boozer to the world stage.

Advice on how to trash a hotel room, but politely.

An extended portion regarding underwear.

A cautionary tale regarding the impact on your performance of a forty-eight-hour Vegas bender prior to a globally televised world final.

The not strictly darts-related, but at the same time not entirely unreasonable claim that anyone who makes their tea milk first is a psychopath.

Youll laugh. Youll cry. Youll find yourself searching YouTube for a clip of me accidentally letting rip with a string of expletives on Dutch television.

But most of all I hope you feel a sense of possibility. Theres never a bad time to pick up your first dart, take part in your first tournament or join your first darts league. Darts was my first love and it remains the friendliest, warmest and most human experience Ive ever encountered. Its where Ive made friends for life and met the worlds most extraordinary people. Its a sport, its a hobby, its entertainment, but most importantly to me its a way of life, and one whose sense of camaraderie and family I simply wouldnt swap for anything.

And theres nothing to stop you getting involved right now. The darts I used for my entire professional career were a set my dad picked up for me in 1983, from a guy in the Clothworkers Arms in Islington, and they cost 3. So have a rummage down the back of your sofa and see what spare change you come up with, then join me on the oche and lets get throwing.

Im one of those sportsmen who likes to take time out from the highs and lows of one sport by getting involved in the highs and lows of another, and before I set off to The Belfry or Loch Lomond for a round of golf theres nothing I find more enjoyable than the detailed rigmarole of getting my bag ready. I lose myself in the reverie of ritual and preparation, getting everything just right: Ray-Bans in the compartment I always put them in, a dozen new Titleist Pro V1 golf balls, suncream in the side pocket, the whole lot. I can spend hours fussing over getting ready, and when Im done Ill look proudly at the bag, and the clubs that have been given a little run-over with a damp cloth, and Ill know the kit will do well for me that day. Im like the proud farmer at the end of Babe. Thatll do, bag full of golf paraphernalia. Thatll do.

When it comes to darts theres significantly less ceremony: I get them out of my pocket, check nothings bent and get on with it. Too small to admire thats the problem with darts. (Not something you can necessarily say about some of the guys who throw them, but Ill deal with fitness in another chapter.)

The point is that compared with a lot of sports people I can travel extraordinarily lightly. And much like a double thumbs-up from the titular character of an eighties TV show about a retired fireman turned motorcycling private investigator, thats a positive boon. Whether Im performing in a tournament or at a darts exhibition I can simply arrive at the venue, the arena, the pub, the club or the conference centre with my Hawaiian shirt on under my jacket and darts in my pocket, and be ready to go. Sometimes people who work at venues just cant believe it.