Howard Kaminsky - Magic Words: 101 Powerful Ways to Navigate Lifes Challenges

Magic Words

101 WAYS TO TALK YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFES CHALLENGES

Howard Kaminsky
& Alexandra Penney

BROADWAY BOOKS | NEW YORK

CONTENTS

Magic Words
YOU SAY TO YOURSELF

Magic Words
YOU SAY TO OTHERS

Magic Words
UNIVERSAL

Magic Words

UNIVERSAL

Magic Words

YOU SAY TO OTHERS

Magic Words

YOU SAY TO YOURSELF

INTRODUCTION

Magic Words are not new. We were all given some when we were kids. The first one was please. Then came thank you and excuse me. They were followed by may I? and youre welcome. We still use those and they work just fine.

Those particular Magic Words gave us the manners we needed to deal with the outside world. Others we were taught had a different purpose: they were only for the family, reminders meant to remain invisible to the rest of the world. In our families, our mothers used Family Hold Back, spoken aloud as FHB, as a warning that the food at a party was running low and family members were to pass up second helpings. That one became so common among our generation that the last time we heard it at a dinner party, half the guests at the table immediately looked guilt stricken and conscientiously refused seconds.

Of those Magic Words that provided information while keeping the situation invisible to outsiders, one of our favorites was uttered by a family matriarch at a dinner party in a harborside restaurant in Maine. The woman eyed her husband and announced firmly, Isaiah 6:5, whereupon the elderly gentleman hastily left the room. Naturally we asked what that was about, and the daughter of the clan filled us in. Her mother had noticed that her fathers fly was unzipped. In family parlance, the reference was a witty warning from the Bible: Woe is me! For I am undone.

The Magic Words in this book are as useful as the ones we learned in childhoodalthough they focus on problems we didnt face when we were kids. Some help us deal with the rest of the world. Others are for private consumption, reminders to ourselves of how we should behave or react in difficult situations. They cover a wide range of problems and, like the Magic Words of childhood, they work. You might call them 101 Magic Words for People over Twelve.

Lets start off by telling you a little about ourselves and where Magic Words came from. Weve been friends a long timeover twenty years. More than good friends. Family close. Oddly, there have been no fights, no major disagreements. Sure, weve each thought the other to be a little crazy at times, but weve always understood that everyone needs to be a little crazy once in a while. Over the years, weve counseled each other during rough times: broken hearts, splintered jobs, family health problems, major decisions about where to live or how to live. Weve made friends together, shared and embraced each others friendsin other words, weve lived through the usual ups and downs, twists and turns, some a bit hair-raising, that we all call life.

During our decades of friendship weve always been there for each other. When things have been pretty rough for either of us, or for our friends or families, weve made it a habit to meet for a drink or a Chinese dinner. Over cold vodkas one July night years ago, we were discussing a very close mutual friend who was having a tough time. The mainstays of Sues lifemarriage, career, familywere all suddenly at a critical juncture.

Alexandra, who had just spoken to Sue, said, She feels shes in a downward spiral, spinning toward disaster.

I know what thats like, said Howard, and, yeah, everything could crash, but anytime youre in a downward spiral you have to get ready to hit the ground running. She cant just freeze, thinking about the things that might happen. Shes got to get ready to cope if they do.

If youre in a downward spiral, hit the ground running, said Alexandra. You said that to me once, and it changed the way I handled things. They were Magic Words. Instead of lying awake worrying about some terrible thing happening, I sat down and worked out what Id do.

That night we both realized wed been using Magic Words with each other for as long as we could remember. And we understood that they had enormous power. They made us see things in a different light, made us able to cope with overwhelming predicaments, gave us simple, practical, useful ways of looking at ourselves and dealing with the stressful and sometimes traumatic times that all of us face as we navigate our lives.

Think of some of our other Magic Words, Alexandra prodded. She took out some scraps of paper and a pen, and we began making a list. Many of the words we remembered were learned from teachers, parents, and mentors. Others came from help and advice wed given to each other, to other friends, or to family members facing difficult situations at home or at the office. Over the years, we added to our list in a casual way. Whenever either of us repeated a phrase that had transformative potentialthat had power and punchwe would write it down. Our Magic Words became mantras for us. Time is honey was a reminder that you need sweetness in your life as well as work. The softly spoken words Are you actually yelling at me? could cut off a screamers escalating anger. Mope or cope was a call to get up off the couch and do something about a problem. Public enemy #2 was a warning about the monster Envy. We used our Magic Words all the time. Sometimes we repeated them to ourselves, sometimes to others who needed them. When the list began getting long and unwieldy, we divided the Magic Words into two categories.

Magic Words You Say to Yourself are mantras, reminders, or triggers. If you find yourself in a difficult place, surrounded by clouds of fear, anxiety, loneliness, and stress, the Magic Words can help. Theyre pungent, effective phrases that can protect you in emotional storms. They can also motivate you to communicate more clearly, to stick with a diet, to lighten upor, as we say, to tighten up. They can help you to know yourself, or assess a situation and deal with it in a rationaland successfulway. For example, KMS is about keeping your mouth shut, because there are times when silence is golden. Im not lonely when Im alone recognizes the fact that you have a fascinating companion with you at all timesyourself. These Magic Words and othersVolta mind control, a way to shut out distractions, Mirror, mirror, who the hell am I? a quiz that makes sure we are who we want to beare patient ways to increase your personal power.

Magic Words You Say to Others are best used when things get difficult with someone elsea boss, a colleague, a spouse, or just a nosy stranger. These Magic Words can avoid a prying question, end an unpleasant conversation, or defuse an argument. They also work when a friend or family member needs help coping with a divorce, an affair, a job layoff, or the infighting of office politics. Magic Words like Lets quit while were behind, I want to give you another shot, This is a pewter opportunity, and Why are you asking? can be show-stoppers, door-openers, and life-savers. They can prevent or resolve difficulties in every area of our lives.

There were some Magic Words that seemed to fit a third major category. We called them Universal Magic Words. They were words we used as philosophical cues, touchstones, and talismansEgo snacks as a reminder that self-esteem should never be put on a diet; 300-second sex to keep your love life ticking; handle with flair to add zest to the dull parts of daily life. They are like mantras we use to get through various sticky situations. So we started making lists of Universal words too.