Mitchell Symons - Dont Wipe Your Bum With A Hedgehog

Contents

To my sons Jack and Charlie: with love and thanks.

How much yucky stuff do you know?

Available now!

INTRODUCTION

I have previously published eight trivia books. This time around, Ive decided to do something a little different. The background to this book is a question I posed in Why Do Farts Smell Like Rotten Eggs?: YOURE AN OLD MAN, MITCH, SO WHATS YOUR BEST ADVICE?

And here are a few things that I wrote:

Never eat yellow snow.

Talk slowly but think quickly.

Never wipe your bum with a hedgehog.

Never laugh at your own jokes.

When youre asked how you are, say Im well, NOT Im good.

Never walk up the down escalator.

Never shop in a store that wont let you use its toilet.

Dont take chocolates from the lower layer until youve finished all the ones on the top layer.

Respect the personal space of large growling animals.

Dont be embarrassed by bodily functions.

Never say in my humble opinion.

Never visit a funfair with a full stomach.

Never wear a baseball cap back-to-front unless you want to shrink your IQ.

Never swallow the water in a public swimming pool.

Never look down on anyone unless youre helping them up.

Never forget its easier to stay out of trouble than to get out of trouble.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never have a staring match with an owl.

Never tie your shoelaces in a revolving door.

Never argue with an idiot. Bystanders cant tell the difference.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

If you and your friend are being chased by a mad dog, dont worry about out-running the mad dog, just worry about out-running your friend.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

As you can see, it was merely an excuse for me to list some of the funnier pieces of advice Id collected over the years. Having said that, there were some serious things in there, and so when I was deciding what to write next, it got me thinking: What if I did a WHOLE book of advice a mixture of funny and serious and, above all, true?

Ive had a wealth of experience good and bad and I have two sons (both now adults) who are fine, decent men, so if Im not qualified to offer advice, then who is?

Ultimately, though, YOULL be the judge of whether Ive got it right.

And that turns out to be my very first tip of the book: Make up your own mind.

Now for some important acknowledgements, because without these people, this book couldnt have been written at all:

(in alphabetical order) my editor Lauren Buckland, my wife and chief researcher Penny Chorlton, my publisher Annie Eaton, and the designers Dominica Clements and Nigel Baines.

In addition, Id also like to thank the following people for their help, contributions and/or support: Gilly Adams, Luigi Bonomi, Paul Donnelley, Jonathan Fingerhut, Jenny Garrison, Bryn Musson, Nicholas Ridge, Mari Roberts, Jerry Sawyer, Charlie Symons, Jack Symons, Louise Symons, David Thomas, Martin Townsend, Clair Woodward, Rob Woolley and Tom Woolley.

If Ive missed anyone out, then please know that as with any mistakes in the book it is, as I always say, entirely down to my own stupidity.

Mitchell Symons

LESSONS TO LIVE BY

NEVER SPIT ON a rollercoaster.

Remember: there are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who cant.

Always be sincere even if you dont mean it.

89 per cent of statistics are made up. The other 63 per cent are wrong.

If all else fails, eat chocolate.

Be naughty save Santa the trip!

Dont arm-wrestle yourself.

If you cant say it in 50 characters, then dont b

Never trust a person who says Trust me

Never pee uphill or into the wind.

GENERAL ADVICE

DONT CARE TOO much what others think of you.

The fact is, they dont think about you that much as theyre too busy worrying what other people are thinking of them!

Dont just know things any fool can do that the point is to understand them.

Knowledge in itself is useless (except in quizzes) unless you learn how to use it. However (says the quiz king), NEVER underestimate the importance of quizzes!

Step outside your comfort zone from time to time.

Itll help you see life from a different angle and make you appreciate your comfort zone all the more!

Embrace simplicity.

Simple is best! Avoid making things any harder than they need to be. Which is why Im known by my friends as Simple Symons (not that I ever met a pieman going to the fair).

Never mistake activity for action.

The two arent necessarily the same. In fact, very often activity frenzied, unstructured activity can actually get in the way of positive, meaningful action. This also gives you the excuse to sit back and do nothing while your friends are charging about all over the place!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are youll end up working for one.

At school, the rough, tough, sporty types rarely amount to much, but the quiet geeky child whom no one talks to (except to tease) might very well end up rich and successful. Worth cultivating now And if you yourself are the nerd, then I know youll be thanking me right now!

Be eccentric now.

Dont wait till youre older. Just think how much fun you could be having making people wonder what on earth youre doing!