Jay A. Parry - Best-Loved Series: Humor, Talks, and Poems

Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People

Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People

Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People

Appreciation is expressed to Edward L.Kimball for graciously granting permission to use many anecdotes from thelife of his father, President Spencer W. Kimball. We acknowledge copyrightholders whose material we may have included but with whom we were unable to make personalcontact. Other works are in public domain. If any acknowledgments havebeen overlooked, please notify the publisher and omissions will be rectified infuture editions.

Now unless you should thinkthat I am going to be really serious, I would like to have you smile becauseafter all we must keep a sense of humor whatever comes. I think of all thepeople in the world [Latter-day Saints] should be the happiest. We have thegreatest and most joyous message in the world.

Hugh B. Brown

Preface

Onemust have a sense of humor to be an optimist in times like these, Hugh B.Brown once said. And you young women will need a sense of humor if you marrythese young men and try to live with them. Golden Kimball once said in aconference, The Lord Himself must like a joke or he wouldnt have made some ofyou people. But your good humor must be real, not simulated. Let your smilescome from the heart and they will become contagious. You may see men on thestreet any day whose laugh is only a frozen grin with nothing in it but teeth.Men without humor tend to forget their source, lose sight of their goal, andwith no lubrication in their mental crankshafts, they must drop out of therace. Lincoln said, Good humor is the oxygen of the soul. And someone paraphrased,The surly bird catches the germ (The Abundant Life [Salt LakeCity: Bookcraft, 1965], 50).

Everybody loves a good joke. Whether were giving a talk insacrament meeting, teaching a Sunday School lesson, or presenting a family homeevening message, we instinctively turn to humor to bridge the gap betweenspeaker and listeners. Humor lets us see lifes bright side, gives us newperspective, and allows us to laugh at our own foibles.

Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People is an extensive collection of oft-repeated jokes,true anecdotes, and quotations that have become or may become favorites amongmembers of the Church. Because humor is so subjective, we have selected a broadvariety of materialfrom mildly to wildly humorous, from one-liners tostories. Included are true incidents from Church history, gently humorousquotations from general conference addresses, and a broad variety of jokes.

Thomas Carlyle stated: True humor springs not more from thehead than from the heart. It is not contempt. Its essence is love. Its issue isnot in laughter, but in still smiles which lie far deeper (Quoted in BYUSpeeches of the Year, 17 Mar. 1981, 47).Some humor does indeed result in quiet smiles, while some makes us laugh outloud. Whats more, when it comes to jokes, one persons chuckler is anotherpersons groaner. We have considered each item in this collection in terms ofits possible appeal to different readers, its usefulness and appropriatenessfor LDS speakers and teachers, and its overall fun value.

As in Best-Loved Poems of the LDS People and Best-Loved Stories of the LDS People, material in this volume is arranged by topic foreasy reference. Within each topic, entries are clearly identified as jokes,quotations, poems, or stories.

We gratefully acknowledge our debt to other compilers andeditors. Because jokes are frequently retold, altered, and adapted, it would beimpossible for us to identify the original authors or sources of jokes. In thecase of quotations and anecdotes, however, we have made every effort to creditthe original source where possible. We express our heartfelt appreciation toRonald A. Millett, Sheri Dew, Kent Ware, Jennifer Adams, Patricia J. Parkinson,and Ronald O. Stucki at Deseret Book Company.

Accountability

* Jokes *

If we could kick the person who is responsible for mostof our troubles, we wouldnt be able to sit down for six months.

***

A chaplain was walking through a prison and noticed anumber of prisoners sewing laundry bags. He walked up to one prisoner andasked, Sewing, are you?

No, said the prisoner sadly. Im reaping.

***

Police officer at scene of accident: Whose fault wasthis collision?

Bystander: Neither driver was at fault, sir. They hit eachother at exactly the same time.

***

The judge looked at the defendant. Young man, it isalcohol that is responsible for your present sorry state.

Im glad you said that. Everyone else says its my fault.

***

As one person explained it, no one wanted to takeresponsibility for what happened in the Garden of Eden: Adam blamed Eve, andEve blamed the snake, and the snake didnt have a leg to stand on.

***

The bishop of a struggling little ward worried that themembers were not living the gospel. So every week at the end of sacramentmeeting he took a few minutes to exhort the people to greater diligence.One old man in the congregation was especially incorrigible. He was knownto have a drink now and then, the bishop could smell cigarette smoke on hisbreath, and the fellows language was always foul. One day the bishop spokebriefly about staying away from alcoholic beverages. After the meeting, the oldman came up to him and said, Boy, Bishop! You sure told them!

Discouraged that the old man hadnt gotten the point, thebishop was even plainer the next Sunday as he spoke about drinking and smoking.Again the old man missed the point: Wow, Bishop! You really told them today!

The next Sunday there was a tremendous snowstorm, and no oneshowed up for church except the bishop and this one incorrigible old man. Sothe bishop took the whole sacrament meeting, and he spoke about drinking,smoking, and foul language. The old man could have no doubt that he was thetarget of the bishops blunt remarks.

After the service, the old man came up to the bishop andsaid, Boy oh boy, Bishop! You really told em todayif only theyd abeen here!

* Quotations *

J. Golden Kimball: I know a good deal more about thisChurch than the man did, one of those strangers that come in our midst, whowent on a hill here recently and stood in an ant bed, and when the antscommenced to bite he commenced to curse the Mormons. I suppose he thoughtthey were Mormon ants, and he held us responsible for them (ConferenceReport, Oct. 1904, 57).

Action

* Quotations*

George A. Smith: There was [a man] by the name ofHawley. He was attacked by a spirit of revelation, somewhere in the State ofNew York, while he was ploughing; and it took him in such a hurry that he hadnot time to put on his boots, but travelled barefoot to Kirtland, some sixhundred miles distant, to warn Joseph that he was a fallen Prophet; that Godhad cut Joseph off, and placed in his stead a man by the name of Noah; and thereason Joseph was cut off was, he had suffered the men to wear cushions ontheir coat sleeves, and the women to wear caps. He went through the streets ofKirtland with a dismal howl, crying, Woe, woe to the people. On one occasion,about midnight, Brigham Young went out, and took with him a cowhide, and saidto Hawley, If you dont quit annoying the people with your noise, I willcowhide you; upon which he concluded he had suffered persecution enough forhis masters sake, and shut up his noise (