Scott Baker - A Lighter Shade of Blue: Weird, Wild, and Wacky Cop Stories

INTRODUCTION

I t takes a variety of attributes to become a good copthings like courage, integrity, honor, and compassion. One of the most often overlooked attributes, though, is a sense of humor. How important is it?

I believe that if a cop doesnt have one, he might as well turn in his service weapon because without it hell go crazy within six months.

A sense of humor comes into play at the oddest times, such as during a high-speed chase, a family dispute, the foot pursuit of an ostrich, or even at a murder scene. When things are so tense that cops are ready to explode, laughter can and does diffuse the situation.

I really loved being a New York City cop. I was in the belly of the beast in the greatest city in the world. It gave me a chance to fulfill my thrill-seeking side, to help people in need, to feel like I was contributing to society by making it a better place, and to witness firsthand some of the funniest situations you could ever imagine. A few years ago I gathered some stories and published them in a book called The Funniest Cop Stories Ever . Lots of cops from all over the world read it and sent me their stories, which weve included in this book. The tales are varied. Some are warped, some are wacky, and some are weird, but all are funny!

The stories are in cops own words. Only the names have been changed to protect the insaneand by that I do mean the cops. Enjoy!

T he NYPD is not for everybody. We get this one kid named Anderson from East Cupcakethats what we call kids who come on the job from the soft suburbs and have never seen the hard streets of the inner city. Hes fresh out of the academy, and he gets assigned to my command in a tough area we call Do or Die Bed-Stuy [Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn].

I was the patrol supervisor one day and I had to give all the cops a scratchcop talk for signing their memo books to show I checked up on them. I get to Anderson, and I ask him if everything is OK. He says, Not really. I think I am going to quit.

I say, Quit? You just went through six months in the academy and youre going to quit? Why?

Well, its my first day out here, and I responded to two shootings and a knife fight. I mean, is that normal?

I say, No, its not normal. Give it a few weeks and see how you feel.

The next day I am on the desk, and Anderson comes storming in, slams his badge down, and starts to unload his gun and hand it to me. He is screaming.

I fn quit and youre an fn liar!

I ask, What are you talking about?

Yesterday I responded to two shootings and a knife fight, and you said that wasnt normal. Today it was three shootings, an assault with a bottle, a DOA [dead body] in the trunk of a car, and a fight between two guys with baseball bats!

I stand up and yell back, I didnt fn lie to you. Yesterday wasnt normalthats a slow day. Today was normal!

W e were on patrol on a late tour driving down 204th Street toward Webster Avenue in the Bronx. All of a sudden I get flagged down by a girl in her midtwenties who says she is an off-duty nurse and saw a man fall on the corner in front of Gormans Bar. We go and take a look and there is this old guy lying there with a gash on his head. We call for a bus [ambulance], and while were waiting, the nurse props the guy up so that his back is resting against her shins. She then leans over and starts asking questions loudly in his ear to see if he is coherent.

Whats your name? she asks. There is no response.

Then, a little louder: Who is the president of the United States?

No response.

She starts actually yelling more questions, and he finally looks up at me and says in a loud, slurred thick brogue, Officer, will you tell this bitch that Im drunk, not deaf!

Simple Solution

I was working a U2 concert detail in Ireland when Bono asks the audience for quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands and says, Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.

A voice from near the front of the audience yells, Well, stop your fookin clapping then!

THE RAZOR'S EDGE

M e and my partner, Raymo, were working undercover narcotics one time, and we got called down to court to go to a grand jury. Since we were undercover, we had the long hair and beards, but the ADA [assistant district attorney] handling the case wanted us to come in clean-shaven. No problem. We figure we would stop in a barbershop on our way to court and get it taken care of.

We hit this barbershop and the receptionist is this really good-looking woman. Cops can be notorious flirters. Raymo is a good-looking single guy, so he is flirting with her while he is getting his hair cut. Now my shave is done and Raymos haircut is done so the two barbers switch. Raymos new barber comes over to lather him up for his shave, and Raymo asks the receptionist, Hey, I have to head over to court after this but whaddaya say when Im done I come back and grab ya for a drink?

She says, I dont think so.

Now the barber kicks Raymos chair back and tells him not to talk as he lathers him up and sharpens his razor. But Raymo keeps talking and asks, Why not?

She responds, Because Im married.

So its just a cup of coffee. We dont have to tell your husband.

She answers back, You just did. Hes the guy about to shave you.

The Colander Always
Tells the Truth!

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it to a photocopy machine with telephone wires. The message Hes lying was placed in the copier, and the cops pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasnt telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

THE ULTIMATE SIN

W e respond to an assault in progress. One drunk is stabbed and on the floor with the knife still sticking in his upper left arm. The perp is drunk also. Theres a broad that looks like she weighs about sixty pounds, maybe sixty-five pounds. She has more track marks than Grand Central Station.