Olivia Caldwell - Dating the Kiwi Male: Mostly true tales from Kiwi women

dating the
kiwi male

dating the
kiwi male

A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand.

eISBN 978-1-990003-83-7

An Upstart Press Book

Published in 2022 by Upstart Press Ltd

26 Greenpark Road, Penrose, Auckland 1061

Text Olivia Caldwell 2022

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

Design and format Upstart Press Ltd 2022

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

The information included in this book is to be used as a guide only. The author, publisher and agents do not take responsibility for the application of this information.

Cover and text designed by Nick Turzynski, redinc. book design, www.redinc.co.nz

Printed by Printlink, Wellington

To my friends. Id have never done this without my girls backing.

To my mum, my best friend, my favourite critic and my biggest advocate. If not for your constant support, love and laughter, I wouldnt be the clown I am. Its not quite the book a mother hopes for, but be thankful I havent brought home one of this lot as son-in-law hed be a cracker!

To laugh at yourself, is to love yourself.

MICKEY MOUSE

Contents

One thing thats become apparent is how people see me, and they think they would never be good enough for me because of who I am and what I have... good to learn thats how a portion of the town look at you. My thoughts anyway

CAR SALESMAN

Preface

One of my favourite qualities in a person is being able to laugh at themselves. I think it shows a lot of confidence, humility and the ability to see life is much bigger than oneself.

Im a 33-year-old Kiwi woman. Ive had the odd relationship, but more often than not I am the girl who keeps my friends who are in solid loving relationships entertained. Its not the role I set out to accomplish. I dont wake up each day and think how I can really bugger up my own love life and get myself into the most ridiculous situation just to give my mates a good old chuckle... but it is often how it turns out.

As a writer, I cringe whenever a male flirts with the line So, will you write about me? How self-absorbed, of course I wont, I think... but they do put ideas in my head, these men, and it has come to the point where something did need to be put on paper, documented.

The dating game is a bit of a circus, and I think many of us have at least one story where weve played the part of the clown or sat across from him. And I say him, because this book covers the heterosexual females experience me, and others like me. I know of course that dating is not always boy meets girl and vice versa, but this time around I have stuck with my expertise, and who knows, perhaps the next book I will be interviewing Kiwi men on what a challenge the Kiwi woman can be.

The dating game makes me laugh often, and cry just as much. But we need to date with a good sense of humour and an open heart. My approach is to go into each date thinking about the story, or the friendship, I may find, rather than going into it set on finding love ever after.

I am the first person to laugh at myself, and it has always been the way I deal with hurt, embarrassment and those wonderfully memorable situations. Humour is at the heart of everything I do. And that is where this book idea came from. I wanted to share with my reader that while dating can be tough, a disaster and disheartening at times, if you take the good from every experience, take the humour from the off-putting moments, you are going to come out laughing, and be better for it.

So I decided to throw the idea out, see how others find dating the Kiwi male am I really just a walking dating disaster, or do others find it tough, too? Turns out there are many gorgeous Kiwi women out there with stories just like me some even more ridiculous than mine. The Kiwi male is complex, odd, silly, fun, charming and hapless; the stories are hilarious, confusing and sometimes just plain heartbreaking.

This is not a revenge book, or a book about bad men far from it. Men struggle just as much as women in the dating game. My aim here is to showcase just how hardcase it is for the boys of New Zealand, too. Likewise, these women are not scorned, sad or pining over lost love. No, the one uniting quality I found was that these women are strong, resilient, funny and still big believers in romance and love. They dont give up.

We will look at dating up and down the country, see how much the boys differ from province to province, and laugh hard at our own expense.

I hope you find at least one story that makes you snort with laughter, one that you can relate to and one that brings a tear. Behind every story here is just a woman doing her best, trying to find her match, and failing... very elegantly. Behind every jibe, gag and quip, are tears, growth, strength and, if youre lucky, love. Its a tough old game.

Alyssa , on the Dirty Dog wraparound-wearing Timaru boy racer

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of three years well, he had broken up with me. It was messy and I was heartbroken as I was head over heels in love and really didnt see it coming.

But, like any good Kiwi girl would do, I got straight back on the dating wagon. I downloaded Tinder for the first time, ready to enter the terrifying world of online dating. I am a bit old-fashioned and didnt imagine Id ever use online dating, and never thought Id have to, given my boyfriend and I were lifers. Things change; cue Tinder.

I was living in Christchurch at the time and while I was sure there would be so much potential out there, I must say, it was slim pickings. I found there to be two types of men in the Garden City. There was the bogan/boy racer who never evolved from his 1990s origin, or the rugby bloke whose pastimes include drinking beer with the lads, or, watching rugby whilst drinking beer with the lads. Perhaps I am being a little harsh on the Cantabrian, but I know what I saw and I will not take it back.

You get cocky with each match, and become erratic in your choices in this game. This one has muscles sure! This one has a puppy love it. This one has a man bun why not?

I wont lie, I dont dabble I need something more than fun, raunchy and fleeting. I was after something with meaning. (Well, in hindsight I was looking for a quick replacement. I was hurting and shouldnt have been on the app in the first place.) Out of the crowd, I thought I might have actually landed on a middle ground with one sweet-looking Tinder face, who seemed like a reasonable guy. His name was Ryan. He had a photo with a niece. (They all do this. With granny they show theyre caring, with kids theyre potential dads, with fish on a line or a pig on the back theyre neanderthals capable of feeding you.) Ryan also had one on a boat (adventurous), and one selfie with these sure-sign bogan Dirty Dog sunglasses that even materialistic me somehow overlooked. I now realise they were the red light that should have seen me throw on the brakes.

We matched. I dont think I read his profile at all, or at best I glanced over it. More likely, this Tinder novice was so nave I missed another red light, one that a guy pal later pointed out to me. There, under this Timaru tradie Dirty Dog mug shot, hed written aim to please, with two emojis. I thought,