Amber Ruffin - The World Record Book of Racist Stories

Note to Readers: In recounting the events in this book, chronologies have been compressed or altered and details have been changed to assist the narrative. Where dialogue appears, the intention was to re-create the essence of conversations rather than verbatim quotes. Names and identifying characteristics of some individuals have been changed.

This book reflects the authors lives faithfully rendered to the best of their ability. Some names and identifying details have been changed.

Copyright 2022 by Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar

Cover design by Albert Tang
Cover photo Lloyd Bishop
Cover copyright 2022 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

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First edition: November 2022

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Ruffin, Amber, author. | Lamar, Lacey, author.
Title: The world record book of racist stories / Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar.
Description: First edition. | New York : Grand Central Publishing, 2022.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022026047 | ISBN 9781538724552 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781538724576 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: RacismHumor. | United StatesRace relationsHumor.
Classification: LCC PN6231.R25 R84 2022 | DDC 818/.602dc23/eng/20220713
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022026047

ISBNs: 9781538724552 (hardcover), 9781538724576 (ebook)

E3-20221021-NF-DA-ORI

This book is dedicated to all white people everywhere Just kidding! The opposite of that! This book is dedicated to our family and friends who experienced all these stories with us
Just kidding, this book is dedicated to El DeBarge!

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O ne night, a few years ago, my white, male friend was late for a date with his wife. So, he was driving hastily and blew through a four-way stop sign. Immediately behind him he sees flashing lights. Hes getting pulled over. Hes in a car with very tinted windows in a Black neighborhood. He knew the police thought they were pulling over a Black person. The cop gets out of the car, and right away, unholsters his gun.

Just a quick aside in the storymy friend is saying unholstered his gun in a way that leads me to believe that is not what he is used to when being approached by a cop. Fun!

My friend rolled his window down and stuck both hands out as the officer approached. When the officer gazed upon my friends lily-white skin, he instantly holstered his gun. The cop asked politely why he had blown through the four-way stop sign. My friend told the officer he had just finished coaching soccer for a neighborhood school and one of the kids had left his book bag at the school and he was rushing to return it.

Just a quick reminder that this is a lie.

My bud gestured to the back seat where his own backpack was. The officer asked for his license and registration. BOTH HAD EXPIRED.

Another quick aside to Black people to say, oh my god, you know that if your shit was expired you would not be going home that night. Except to your new home, JAIL FOREVER.

The officer says it will be just a minute and goes back to his car. My friend says he was gone maybe four minutes and returns and informs him that he really should take him in for the expired license and registration but instead, I decided just to give you a ticket for both.

I am not kidding when I say, I did not know they could just give you a ticket for that. This book is educational. The person writing it is being educated. My word.

So, the officer gives him two tickets and sends him off on his merry way. He arrives at his dinner with his wife and all is well. After a short time, he receives a call. Its the damn OFFICER!!

And this is where this story enters a realm of whiteness that I have only imagined.

The officer starts off APOLOGIZING for giving him a ticket in the first place. The cop says, I can tell you were only trying to help your community, and I feel really bad for pulling you over. Hey, just rip up your ticket and Ill get rid of it on my end. Can you stand it?! Not to put too fine a point on it but, to this cop, giving a white guy tickets he deserves is considered too cruel.

Guys. I frigging love this story. Now, this isnt indicative of what you will find in this book, its just the story that shocks me the most. I mean, I know, I know, I know, but daaang. Just thought we should take a look at the unbelievable before we dive in.

This is the World Record Book of Racist Stories brought to you by the Ruffins. The Ruffins are the cutest family you have ever seen in your dang life! Mom and Dad are from Georgia and Virginia and they moved to Omaha because they were stationed there when they were in the Air Force.

Im clearing that up because I dont want you to think these two Black adults looked at a map of America and pointed to the dead center, and said, There! This is the perfect place for our kids! It was more of a Weve been living here for so long and now we are part of the community type of thing.

So, this is the second book of racist stories our family has endured. For the first book, most of the stories centered around Lacey, and they were almost impossible to believe. Hence the title, Youll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey. But this book is gonna be a little different. Instead of just me and Lacey, there are stories about the whole family, all our siblings, and even some friends. We felt how great it was to air out our own dirty racist laundry and thought it would be cool to give other people the chance to do the same thing. And I think we are right!

Okay, so, we wrote this book for several reasons.

1. People honestly thought we didnt have more stories. So, its kinda like a dare.
2. We like hanging out with each other.
3. It is good for you to write these stories down and let them go. Its pretty cool for a bunch of people to read them and shout into their books, I know THATS right or I hate this! It cant be true! But even just writing them out gives you a second to look at and process all this stuff.
4. We cant let one of us write down these stories alone.

That is true! Because Amber would write everyones real first and last names, and we would get in trouble. I know you think she has common sense but she does not.

I honestly think Im right on this one. I want everyone in this book to be put the fuck on blast! But I know thats not allowed, so we dont. So, if you feel like you recognize someone from one of these stories and their name is in this book, it is not them because I was forced to use a fake name!