Evan Mandery - First Contact: Or, Its Later Than You Think

W HEN R ALPH B AILEY, ATTACH to the President, entered the family chambers at 5:26 A.M . with the news that aliens had contacted the American government, the President was on the treadmill.

Good morning, Mr. President, he said.

Good morning, Ralph, said the President. Youre up early today.

Yes, sir. I have important news.

I have some big news too.

This is very important, sir.

Well, so is this. Yours can wait a minute, cant it?

Ralph wondered about this. It seemed a rather important item, the fact that aliens had reached Earth. The Secretary of State had told him to tell the President straightaway, to get him out of bed if he had to, but setting the agenda for conversations was an executive prerogative of which this president took full advantage.

I suppose it can, sir, Ralph said.

Good. The President stopped the treadmill, stepped off, and removed his sweaty shirt. The President liked being bare-chested.

I ran my five miles in under thirty-five minutes this morning. Thats less than seven minutes per mile.

Yes, sir.

I havent done that since I took office.

It is very impressive, sir. It is a very impressive time.

Seriously, Ralph, how many men my age do you think could run five miles in under thirty-five minutes?

Not many, sir.

I bet Im the fastest president in history.

You might very well be, sir.

W HAT R ALPH KNEW AND the President did not was that the treadmill in the family quarters was calibrated in kilometers, not miles. He had thus run five kilometers in thirty-five minutes, which comes out to a little more than ten minutes per mile. This explained the Presidents absolute preference for the treadmill to running outside. When the President ran outside, his times were, of course, in the range of ten minutes per mile. The President attributed his diminished fleetness outdoors to allergies and car exhaust and hence preferred to exercise in the controlled, allergen-free, positive-ion-charged environment of the White House, where his improved performances were, he felt, more reflective of his natural abilities. Ralph, who had overseen the installation of the exercise equipment, knew better. He had thought of explaining the error to the President but, wisely, rejected the idea. A longtime jogger, the President was quite invested in his physical fitness and the importance of physical fitness generally. He took enormous pride in the fact that since entering office, he had knocked three minutes per mile off his running times.

T HE P RESIDENT POPPED INTO the shower. He emerged glistening, took a towel from the rack, and began the process of drying himself, beginning, ceremoniously, with his hair and underarms.

Ralph felt an increasing sense of urgency to get the news out. He imagined the Secretary would be quite upset with the delay. The Secretary knew how the President could be when he got his mind on something, particularly in the morning when he brimmed with energy, but this was big.

Tell me, Ralph, the President said as he wiped his chest. Suppose we were to stage a race among all the presidents of the United States. Ten-k, flat course. Who would you pick to run against me?

Just the living presidents in their current physical condition, sir?

Ha! roared the President. Youre obviously not much of a sports fan, are you, Ralph?

No, sir.

It would be meaningless to make a comparison on the basis of two athletes current physical state. Suppose someone asks you who is better, Kobe Bryant or Oscar Robertson? Youre obviously going to pick Kobe. He is thirty-one. Oscar Robertson is seventy-one. So you have to go with Bryant. But in his prime, son, Bryant couldnt have carried the Big Os towel. Thats the interesting question, Ralph: Who was better in his prime?

The President moved the drying process down to his feet. He paid careful attention to a bunion.

Living presidents would be no competition for me. Who did you have in mind? Carter? Clinton? One of the Bushes? I dont think any of them could run a twenty-minute mile. They couldnt beat me even if you let them run as a relay team. The President laughed. No, Ralph, he said, the question is me as I am today against any president at the peak of his physical fitness. If you want to pick FDR, you can have him with his good legs. Now, whos it going to be?

Im not sure, sir. Ive never really thought about this before.

This was, of course, true. Ralph had never thought of the question before.

Well, think about it now, the President said.

As Ralph thought, he understood the question was not really who could offer the President the best race, but whom Ralph could choose without insulting his boss. It would be bad to pick someone who the President perceived as unworthy, not so much because it would make for a bad hypothetical competition, but because the President would be hurt or even outraged that Ralph would think so little of the President as to select for his adversary someone whom the President held in such low regard. It would be particularly bad if Ralph inadvertently chose a former president who was effete, or more relevantly whom the current president believed to be effete. It would be particularly bad to pick a liberal.

Teddy Roosevelt seemed like a safe choice.

I think I would go with Teddy Roosevelt, sir.

TR! the President bellowed. You have to be kidding me! TR couldnt hold my jock. Everyone thinks TR is such an athlete because he bagged a few moose and took a hill in battle. Let me tell you a little secret: the Spanish had already abandoned the hill. And, besides, TR went up on a horse. He was a fat turd. Have you even seen Mount Rushmore? They only did the faces because they would have needed another whole mountain for TRs ass. I dont think he could even walk six miles. Id kick TRs butt.

The President snapped Ralph with his towel. It was soapy and wet.

T HE P RESIDENT IS NOT without basis in diminishing Teddy Roosevelts efforts in Cuba. The Spanish had not abandoned Kettle Hill, as the President claimed, but Roosevelts deeds were widely inflated in the press. He was the only one of the Rough Riders to remain mounted during the charge, primarily because he did not think he could keep up on foot in the tropical heat. Furthermore, the Spanish incomprehensibly kept thousands of soldiers in reserve at the nearby city of Santiago de Cuba, even though the Americans outnumbered them on the battlefield by more than ten to one. Roosevelt was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor for his actions, but the victory could be attributed as much to Spanish incompetence as to American valor.

While Roosevelt may not have been as much of a hero at San Juan Heights as is popularly thought, he would have been in every other respect a worthy opponent for the President. A sickly, asthmatic child, TR embraced vigorous exercise and literally willed himself to robust health. In pictures of him as an undergraduate, he appears stout and barrel-chested. He wrestled and rowed crew while at Harvard, climbed the Matterhorn at the age of twenty-two despite a bad heart, and boxed well into his forties. At the age of fifty-five, Roosevelt led an expedition to chart the Amazon River, then known as the River of Doubt. This was toward the end of a life during which TR served as police commissioner in New York City, a colonel in the navy, governor of the state of New York, and president of the United States. Roosevelt managed in these various capacities to, among other substantial accomplishments, establish the National Park Service, mastermind the construction of the Panama Canal, and negotiate the treaty ending the Russo-Japanese War.