Kaleb Cooper - The World According to Kaleb: Worldly Wisdom From the Breakout Star of Clarkson’s Farm

First published in hardback in Great Britain in 2022 by Quercus Editions Ltd

Quercus Editions Ltd

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Copyright 2022 Kaleb Cooper

The moral right of Kaleb Cooper to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

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ISBN 978 1 52942 478 2

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For Oscar

Yeah, hi. Is this thing on? Is that how it works?

Its amazing that Ive written a book. Amazing to me, I mean. Ive never done books before reading, writing, owning. It hasnt been my thing. Id never written anything longer than an invoice to a hobby farmer for rescuing whatever he was trying to destroy that week. But Id never done any television before I was on Clarksons Farm, either, and I didnt let that stop me. Give it a go has always been my approach to anything new. Its what made a farmer of me.

So Ive done a book about everything that brought me here, all the different bits of my life, how I see the world, and how the world seems to see me. I still cant quite believe any of it is happening. Im just a young farmer, and thats all I ever wanted to be, until Im an old farmer. But when you decide to climb up on the tractor, then you take the ride all the way to the end. I hope you enjoy the ride as much as I do. Thanks for reading and thanks for everything!

Ill be the first to admit it: I dont know a lot about cities. But I do know one thing, and Im happy to share it, because its a very useful piece of information.

And that is: nobody should go to cities.

Ever.

Or live in them.

Or have anything to do with them.

Not my field of expertise.

Literally my field of expertise.

WHY? WHY???

Now, you might not think thats very practical. But I can tell you different. Before I was on the telly, Id only ever been to London once, on a school trip. I got on the bus to go there. I stayed on the bus the whole time we were there. Then the bus went home and so did I, which to be honest was the best thing for everyone. I didnt have to bother with London, and London didnt have to bother with me.

What I like is being in a field. Thats when I feel free. No one around me, and I can see for miles. In cities, sometimes you can only see as far as the next building. It freaks me out. I was back in London a little while ago for the TV show (not because I wanted to, I just had to), and I looked up, and there was a massive great big building there with a tree on top. I mean, Im used to pruning trees that are thirty foot. But now, all of a sudden, Ive got to go a thousand foot up a building, and then another twenty-five to prune a tree? On top of a building? And then Im a thousand and twenty-five feet up in the air. To. Prune. One. Tree.

Must have been a rush of blood to the head.

Then I went to West London, and I saw an upside-down house. Whats the whole purpose of that? Why would you want an upside-down house? Why not just build a normal house and live in it like a normal person?

On my first visit to London, we drove past the grounds of Buckingham Palace and I got really excited because of the wire security fence strung along the top of the brick wall, I thought we must be going to London Zoo to see the animals. I was totally disappointed when I found out the truth. Back then, I assumed the wire was to keep people out. These days, I wonder if its there to keep certain members of the Royal Family in.

Mate, Im just a pig in a zoo, I dont know what Ive got to do with any of this.

The only things worse than trying to get onto it are being on it, and trying to get off it.

Then theres the traffic. Driving in London? Oh my God. See, around where I live, I can drive anywhere and I can raise my hand to anyone. You know, we grew up together, we work together. So, you can put your hand up to say hi or thank you and theyll be as happy as ever. You do that in London and they think youre a madman, or that youre trying to start some kind of road-rage incident.

Its like, heres my car, Im in it, Ive got to get to this location ASAP and anyone who gets in my way is going to pay for it. The roundabouts are enormous, and they are terrifying. Its like some kind of high-speed revolving death match on wheels.

People in London are obsessed with their cars. If my car hit their car, thats the end of the world. But with my work truck, I couldnt care less. If I drove around London in my work truck and bashed my door against a lamppost, it wouldnt really bother me.

And this would bother me even less.